#2

It’s funny how things play out. When Lindsey and I first found out she was pregnant with Liam I had really mixed emotions. Sure I was happy and extremely grateful. But speaking honestly, I was scared and felt supremely unprepared. In my mind who wouldn’t be? How can anyone honestly say they are completely at ease with realizing they will be inevitably responsible for a human being? I just felt a mixed bag of emotions for 9 months. And honestly I didn’t understand how nobody else felt this way.

When Liam finally came I was blown away. The mixed emotions suddenly vanished and I felt completely at ease. In a way that I couldn’t have imagined he accepted me as his father. Sure, he didn’t have a choice you could say. But honestly, I found and still find that inspiring. When he started to talk, he called me “dad”. He wasn’t ashamed to. He loved me regardless of my faults. Oblivious or not, he loved me for me. As he grew older, he entrusted in me to play catch with him. To teach him how to shoot a basketball. He wasn’t watching closely if I was teaching right. Liam just smiled and took my word for it. Thats a big deal to me and I appreciate him for it.

Say what you will about me. An unsure, too aware, too sensitive person who thinks way too much for his own good. Liam doesn’t say anything like that about me. He calls me his “hero.” He’s proud to call me his “daddy.” He looks forward to seeing me when I feel I cant bring anything to the table, which is always. The truth is Liam brings out the best in me whether I can identify it or not. He enables me to be a good dad because on my own I am unequipped. His observations of me are not my obligations, they just exist and succeed in Liam’s head. I don’t have to work at being anything to Liam, I just am. That’s good enough for him and fortunate for me.

I am blessed to say Lindsey is pregnant again. I don’t deserve such a privilege twice in my life. Things are different this time for me. I know what to expect. I know the challenges, I fully understand what the potential of what the future may hold. In many ways Lindsey’s pregnancy proves to be a great reminder to not be so full of myself. To once again realize that life isn’t about me. I now have 3 people in my life who’s lives I will earnestly attempt put before mine.

I have been thinking a lot about how I want #2 to be different. And I don’t know the right answers. But I know 2 things for sure. This time around I want to be a better husband for Lindsey in her pregnancy. I want her to know that when she is feeling weak i’m going to be there to pick up the pieces. I want her to know that this time I will be there mentally as well as physically. I never want a day to go by where she isn’t praised for A. being a great mom and B. for being an even better wife. She deserves someone better than me and i’ll try and be that person throughout her pregnancy,

Secondly, I want our new child to know more than ever that he/she will be loved not by a model parent who does everything right and crosses his T’s and dots his I’s. Not by a perfect parent who will have expectations and self realized goals for his child to meet before they arrive at k-3. No, thats just not me. I want my future child to know he/she will be raised by a non-perfect, loving parent who although he will make many, many, many mistakes. He will always get up, dust himself off and try again.

I don’t claim to be many things. But I am proud to proclaim I try my very best to by my very best for the people I love in my life. I make a conscious effort to improve daily. I’ve never said I am succeeding and certainly will never “arrive.” But baby #2 I just wanted to tell you, no matter how you look or what your like. No matter how many fingers you have or how smart you turn out, if I achieve nothing else as a parent I pray you will learn one thing from me. The quest of being perfect is wrong and unobtainable. Being honest and humble is of utmost important. Realizing all you can do is your personal best (no matter how that is gauged) and put the rest in God’s hand.

Our relationship is brand new. A clean slate you can say. I hope when the colors start to emerge on this blank piece of paper, they create something beautiful. I hope you realize later in life that my failures will be unachieved, honest attempts. I hope you realize that no matter what anyone calls you or says to you, the only thing that matters is you finding your happiness. I found mine. My family. I cant provide for them like I wish or would have predicted earlier in my life and certainly have proven to not have the mental strength they deserve or need. But I try my best. And that’s all you can do.

Baby #2, No matter how God chooses to craft you, I already love you the way you are. Because my expectations don’t matter . Not now, not ever. I will try my very best to be the very best me I can be for you.

I don’t care if your a boy or a girl, I don’t care if you are athletic or smart. I will never care if you are popular or not. I do supremely care that you know I love you no matter how God chooses to make you.

I cant wait to meet you.