Faith, feeling & instinct. These are divisive terms nowadays. If you’re not careful, you’ll let social network labeling and online discussions forums decide for you on their existence. Have you ever had a hunch? A sense about something? A premonition, maybe? Believing in things we can’t see, it’s tricky for sure. It takes work. It takes belief. Belief in the invisible.
Growing up I always had a sense that energy, tone or just plain emotion were invisible forces that I could feel. I can’t explain it and really just try to avoid defining it. But, theres one type of invisible force I’d like to talk about.
My wife, Lindsey made a decision a few weeks ago.
To give a little background, our youngest son, Leo, was diagnosed with ‘Failure to Thrive‘ in late November of 2018. He was greatly underweight and under developed. This hit us like a brick to the face. It’s hard to sit there and listen to medical professionals tell you facts. Facts that just can’t be changed about someone you love.
Leo had to live with an NG tube. For those unfamiliar, that’s a feeding tube that travels through his nasal cavity and extended into his stomach. It was a highway for food, basically. This was very necessary. Without getting into the hardships this brought upon us and obviously him, I’ll just summarize by saying it was extremely trying and pushed lindsey and I both to our emotional and physical limits.
Fast forward a bit, Leo wasn’t doing great with the tube in. Sure he was getting food and growing slowly. But, he wasn’t doing anything on his own. He wasn’t eating on his own, he wasn’t drinking on his own. He was turning into a boy dependent on tube feeding. This was tough to watch, but we were put in-between a rock and a hard place. He needed the calories no matter how they got there.
Somewhere in the middle of all this Lindsey started to talk a lot about the idea that he was full all the time because the tube was on auto pilot. When a kid is full on his own, he could just pull away. When a tube is shoving food down your throat, you are at the mercy of the amount given. It was a plausible idea to say the least. Maybe Leo was just full all the time? How would we ever know if the tube remained in?
We put that thought process in our back pocket and continued on with Dr’s orders.
After weeks of the same and Leo becoming more miserable by the day, something very routine happened, for the 9th or 10th time. Leo’s tube came out. I was at the fire department and Lindsey couldn’t make it to the ER until I got home which would be that next morning. We agreed to take him back to the hospital for tube placement the next morning.
When I got home, Lindsey had her mind made up. We talked and she was set on keeping his tube out for the time being. She wanted to try what we talked about early on. “Let’s let him get hungry without the tube” She said. Lindsey also said something that struck me, “I just know this is the right thing to do” She said. “It feels right.”
I respect that. Even if going against Dr’s orders scared me, there was something inside Lindsey that was inspiring to say the least.
The tube stayed out.
Leo flourished. I mean ‘flourished’ is saying it lightly. He gained the most weight he’s ever gained in a week’s time without the tube. The Dr’s literally weighed him multiple times because of plain and professional disbelief. Lindsey’s thoughts and theories proved accurate. It really was an amazing event. To make a decision based on a feeling, such a big decision at that. This got me thinking. Possibly the most important decision ever made for Leo’s well being was made on a gut feeling, on a conviction, on an instinct.
How much faith do I put in my gut feelings? Thats something I’ve never measured before. It’s a trait we all need to get in touch with more. We are who we are and we feel what we feel for a reason. I’ve always believed God plants traits and characteristics inside of us for reasons that won’t be apparent until we need them. But we need to know how to listen for them. I touched on this subject of ‘searching for silence’ a year or so ago.
Point is: something that was always in Lindsey decided to pop up and at the exact right time our 1 year old needed the most and Lindsey wasn’t scared enough to make the call that rightfully was her’s and her’s alone to make. It may have been the bravest, call to arms moment in Lindsey’s life that may never get the credit it deserves. She listened to her motherly instinct and the universe aligned. I don’t think of that as a coincidence, I think of it as prophecy fulfilled or blueprints built.
We have to listen to who we are and what we feel. Now more than ever it’s so important to understand your instincts and listen to yourself. If we’re nothing but regurgitated facts we see on Facebook or YouTube or whatever, we’re selling ourselves short. We are so much more. We have so much more inside of us.
If Lindsey didn’t listen to that small voice inside telling her to keep Leo’s tube out, I’m honestly not sure where we’d be right now. It was the biggest decision Leo has ever had made for him. Life-changing. Literally.
Imagine how many life changing decision we could make as humans, if we just listen to our instincts, our feelings and that small voice inside. God made us who we are and how we are for a reason.
Thats a simple truth you may never believe until you achieve believing in the invisible. In Lindsey’s case, believing in her Motherly Instinct.
ddileo 