March 2015 – ddileo

A Walk in the Park

My early teen years were very difficult for me. My parents divorced and many things were changing. I don’t take well to alterations in my life for some reason and back then all I knew was constant change. I was consistently was on edge. I wanted to tell this story first and foremost because it paints a very clear picture of my Nonni and her kindness. Secondly and less important, someone once told me the way to really find out who you are is to be open and transparent and above all honest in aspects of life you are not proud of. The moment these acts played out, they were meant to be told, I just haven’t told anyone until now.

High School is a tough time for anyone I think. Maybe not by Junior/Senior year, but Freshman year for certain . I was going into high school with a large focus on sports. I didn’t know many people going to my school but I knew some members of my future basketball team because we were already practicing the summer prior to freshman year.

This story begins on one of the first Fridays of the school year. Everyone I knew at that point in school were talking about meeting up with girls and hanging out at an undisclosed location. I remember feeling uncomfortable and pressured so when it came time to say if I was in, I nervously backed out. It wasn’t that I didn’t like girls, but my self confidence level at this point in my life wasn’t very high. The last thing I wanted was to be put in a situation that people could make fun of me. I played it safe and backed out.

As I look back at that point in my life, I let a lot of people use me as a punching bag. They knew I wouldn’t hurt anyone, so they always took jabs at me, verbal jabs that is. I let it pass, quite honestly because I thought it made people feel good. And coming from a broken house, I would do just about anything to make someone feel good, unfortunately even at my own expense.

I wouldn’t be going to the “gathering.” Instead a perfectly good night was going to be spent working on a short film and re-watching Alfred Hitchcock’s Vertigo. I remember being in a Vertigo funk. I had a theory that James Stewert’s character actually died in the first sequence and I needed to do some re-watching to fill some holes in that theory. Sounds riveting, doesn’t it? But that was me in early high school days, a film nerd who could tell you unhealthy amounts of film facts from decades before my birth. It wasn’t that I was unsociable, I just had my own little world that I felt comfortable in and when that space became hindered I always fell apart.

When I got home from school that Friday, my mom informed me that I wouldn’t be staying home that night. She told me my Nonni needed help moving some big furniture and asked if I could aid. As much as I loved and would do anything for my Nonni, I didn’t want my night of movie watching to be disturbed. It was one of those “I know this is wrong to not help and I just don’t care” moments. But my mom didn’t care and off I went being driven to Nonni’s house on a Friday night.

When I arrived Nonni always greeted me with a smile. To my shame this particular time, I didn’t give one back. Nonni didn’t care. Little stuff like that didn’t faze her in the least. She was just happy I was there.

I helped her move the furniture which was a small end table . I still remember thinking that she could have done all this on her own. I was upset because I felt like my time there wasn’t really needed and all the while I could have been home working on my short film and ultimately smoothing out some bumps from my Vertigo theory. I was selfish.

After the furniture got moved Nonni asked me if I wanted to go to the park for fresh air. A routine we did consistently since I was young. Reluctantly, I went. In an even worse mood that I had when I arrived.

She never took the direct route to the park. She was big on talking so Nonni didn’t mind taking a longer way to the park. When I was younger I really enjoyed this. But at this time it just added to my frustration.

The sun was just setting and the weather was exceptionally good for a walk. Nonni had a habit of picking up a flower and touching it during our walks. She did this while talking almost professionally. I couldn’t tell you what we talked about and I don’t remember much but unfortunately what came next is one of the more stark memories I can recall.

We were walking back to her car. The night was finally over. All I had to do was wait for my mom to pick me up at Nonni’s house. As we were about half way to her car a bunch of loud Honda civics and racing type cars pulled up to the park parking lot. I looked and sure enough these cars looked familiar. They were people from my High School. In some weird coincidence they picked the exact park to have make out sessions in that my Nonni and I were walking at.

It didn’t take long. They recognized me instantly and began belittling me. Making fun of the fact I was walking with my Nonni at sunset in a park. One of my most treasured memories as a kid was now being ripped apart by my new day to day life of school. I began getting nervous and anxious. The insults kept coming in and I just dropped my head and closed my eyes. It felt like I was being hunted and had a gun pointed at me. I was helpless and frozen.

Nonni sensed all this and she softly held my hand to try and comfort me. Almost immediately the laughter and insults grew. I quickly snatched my hand from her, angrily.

I don’t exactly remember how it all finished but, we ended up in her car. It was quiet and I was a combination of humiliated and ashamed. Nonni gathered and very gently asked:

“Whats wrong Danny? Are you ok?” And I said “No, I’m not ok!” almost shouting. And she’s like “whats wrong?” And I said “Don’t you understand Nonni? Im not who you think I am.” And Nonni innocently says “Well, what do you mean Danny?” I say “Nonni I’m a loser.” She says ” oh no your not, why do you think that?” I snap. And I say “I’m here with you on a Friday night, look at me, I’m a loser.” She just stared at me with a confusing look on her face.

We drive away in silence, I had never rose my voice before to anyone in my lifetime and that moment sort of cemented I would try my best to never again. Honestly speaking, I learned I’m the type of person who gets hurt more than the receiving end of me yelling at someone. This situation was all different for me and I remember crystal clear shaking as we drove home in silence.

We get back to her house and she quietly puts sauce on the stove and slowly but surely I start to smell it. Im just sitting there watching her do this. She’s not saying anything to me and this thick blanket of shame pours over me because I feel immensely bad for lashing out at her. I remember feeling I disappointed her. More devastating, I remember the familiar feeling of doing something to someone you love who didn’t deserve it. It hearkened to my parents divorce days, and this time I was the one on the ugly end.

A little time passes and things are still very silent. By the time the pasta has finished and Nonni makes me my bowl and places it in front of me. Her usual ritual would be to sit across and make small talk while she watched her “shows” out of the corner of her eye. She didn’t do that though. She just stayed behind me, standing. It seems odd and all I remembered thinking about at that point was she was going to yell at me at any second. The silence was so much. I had to break it. So I broke the air with “the pasta really is good, Nonni.” Nonni nodded her head and gently puts her hand through my hair and she says effortlessly “you got such a nice haircut, you look so handsome.” She paused and said: “I hope you know your the best boy Danny, I hope you know.”

The next Monday at school was bad to say the least. I heard it from everyone, asking if I was taking Nonni to the prom or if she was picking me up to walk home and hold hands. All stuff I expected I guess. But I was surprised it didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. I just let it go. It went away after a while and basketball season started. And in an odd turn of events, I became uncomfortably popular throughout my High School career.

Nonni has been gone for years now and when I used to live in Connecticut I would make it a habit to revisit that route. I would drive to Nonni’s, wait there a bit. Then take her specialized directions to the park and walk around for a while in the same way we did. Drive back to her house and just sit in the parking lot and think of her. Think of how calm she handled that situation. A shameful young boy as insecure as the anyone who lashed out at a person who loved him with all her heart, yet she was loving. It was still important for her to make me feel good. To be supportive. She had an unwavering positive image of me that I don’t quite understand or know how to place.

In the time that Nonni has passed, I try to do everything I can to be the person Nonni saw me as. The truth is i’m not that person. I’m mostly selfish and always considering myself before others. I don’t have an inch of Nonni’s genuineness in me. I may try and trick myself from time to time, but its fails compared to Nonni’s meekness. She has set the bar so high for me that sometimes I stand amazed by her and she provides a good reminder for myself to always try and improve, if not for me, for others around me.

If she were here today I would do anything to take her to that park for a walk on a Friday evening. I wouldn’t care who saw me. Because she didn’t. All she cared about was being there with me. As look back, I wish I could have said the same.

Movies

Cinderella 8/10

The release of Cinderella marks a triumphant return for Disney in the non-animated world. Cinderella is not only a throwback of great tradition, it proves to be a refreshment of sorts in the movie world. Equipped with magic, fairy-god mothers and evil stepmothers, Cinderella brings all it should while adding an updated, positive spin on our current world.

Disney’s synopsis of Cinderella: “Kenneth Branagh directs Disney’s 2015, live-action take on the classic fairy tale Cinderella, which stars Lily James as the put-upon young women forced to endure a life of labor at the hands of her stepmother (Cate Blanchett) after her father dies unexpectedly. Forced to do every menial chore imaginable, Ella maintains her good spirits and eventually strikes up a friendship with a stranger in the woods who turns out to be the prince. When the royal court holds a gala ball, Cinderella wants nothing more to attend, and although her stepmother won’t allow it, she gets help from a surprising source.”

I like to applaud films that whole families can feel comfortable watching together. The joy of going to the movies was never meant to be experienced alone and all too often now, this is the case. Cinderella not only is a great movie, but excels as a family film tremendously. The theater I attended was mostly families and moms and daughters which was heartwarming to witness. Also, it speaks a lot about Disney that they didn’t try and mess with Cinderella’s original recipe. It is exactly the same as you expect it to be. Although there are “updates”; the Cinderella you know and love is alive and well.

At times heavy handed but well meant, the words “Love” and “Courage” show up a bunch in the film. 2015’s Cinderella is really pushing that in a world of darkness, all you need is to have these characteristics. In my estimation thats a great message to deliver to everyone, not only youth. At it’s core, Cinderella is a film of a young woman who unquestionably gets the rawest end of any deal ever. But through her persistence, confidence and convictions of her loving parents, she endures. This Cinderella isn’t afraid to be straightforward with this, a trait I admired greatly.

Another appreciative factor of Disney’s reboot of Cinderella is it doesn’t rest on it’s laurels one bit. Sure this is an easy money-maker for Disney, but they spare no expense in cast or production. The acting is completely top notch also. From Lily James playing as soft and kind Cinderella as can be to the marvelous Cate Blanchett portraying the evil stepmother like an cold, dark fashion aficionado. Across the board, the acting in Cinderella is believable and more importantly, true to form.

Handsomely done and uncommonly good-natured, Cinderella is well worth the price of admission and sustains Disney’s classic. Whether a family outing or just curiosity brings you to the theater, be reassured your trip will not be taken in vain. Cinderella is plain, old fashion Disney fairytale tailored with glitter from head to toe. Gorgeous to look at and refreshing to experience once again.

8/10

Links

Writing w/ Purpose

Mike Alford on writing:

So here I am, writing about the things that are interesting to me and neglecting the things that aren’t. If because of this, I never make it ‘big’ whatever that means, I have decided I’m ok with it.

I echo what Mike is saying. When you have a blog and (some) audience, I personally have felt a tug to start posting things that may be more relevant to the reader then to myself. But the truth, that was hindering me to write.

Check out Mike’s post here. I think he expressed many thoughts and concerns writer’s have. It’s very straight forward and honest. Like a great writer needs to be.

Links

From Cancer to iPhone

Great post by Federico Viticci from Mac Stories, on how the iPhone is helping him recover from stage 4 cancer and live a healthier life:

“It’s strange to think that three years ago I was stuck in a hospital bed and now part of my plan is to track the food I eat with an app. But such is life and I immensely appreciate the fact that I’m having fun getting back in shape and doing what I haven’t done in a long time. I find it profound that we can improve our lives using technology, and, no matter how much time I’ll end up having, I’ll try to make my journey about enjoying life.”

Well worth your time to read

Movies

Focus 6.5/10

After a few recent missteps, Will Smith reemerges as charismatic and slick as his former years defined him in ‘Focus’. A film written and directed elegantly by Glenn Ficarra and John Requa.

Warner Bros states ‘Focus’ as: A veteran con man (Will Smith) is thrown off his game when his former lover and protege (Margot Robbie) unexpectedly appears and interferes with his latest — and very dangerous scheme.

Although frustrating at times, ‘Focus’ is uncommonly good for a February release. Filled with suspense and turns, ‘Focus’ certainly keeps you on the edge of your seat and will keep audiences continually guessing, unfortunately in this case, that isn’t always a great thing.

The first half of ‘Focus’ is close to flawless as it slickly delivers laughs and tense set pieces that more than pay off. You become invested in the world and the characters. The issue that plagues ‘Focus’ though, is the follow-through. The second half of the film feels genuinely forced in many areas. While undeniably fun, Focus is a bit frustrating when you get the sense of what “could have been.”

In many ways, ‘Focus’ is a double edge sword. The qualities that makes it great are also the qualities that hurt in the end. Focus depends on it’s twists and turns and for the most part, they are extremely impressive as well as effective. But at some point in the film you start to realize that ‘Focus’ is too deceptive for its own good. The film never lets the audience actually trust the movie itself and usually that’s a great element but for some reason in ‘Focus’, it felt forced.

Truth is, ‘Focus’ is the con man version of Will Smith’s 2005 hit “Hitch” except with less fulfillment. It’s slick, sly and altogether a very stylish experience. The issue is Focus lacks the depth of meaning that ‘Hitch’ brought. As the movie prolonges, its clear we’re not really “learning” anything, we just are along for the ride which isn’t a bad thing, but we never get a chance to actually care about many of these characters. Smith and Robbie perform admirably with what they are given, but it’s clear the ‘Focus’ lacks some polishing on basic third act story elements. Which is a wonder considering its gets the hard stuff so right. And that’s what makes the movie watching experience so disheartening.

By the end of viewing ‘Focus’ it was clear to me there is a fantastic movie here somewhere. The problem is it’s not on the screen. Maybe somewhere on the editing room floor. I wouldn’t not recommend ‘Focus’ though. Although too deceptive for its own good, it gives cinema-goers an enjoyable 2 hours to say the least. A smart, witty con movie that gets a good grade for its memorable moments and genuine effort.

6.5/10