What If I Don’t Matter?

It’s an interesting concept, isn’t it? The idea that we matter so much. So prevalent because honestly, we all fully believe it. We all believe we matter. We all believe we count. We all believe our words mean something and we all believe we are right in the majority of issues. Whether that be the latest opinion on Facebook, or how you judge someone without getting to know them. Of course were right, because were always right. Right?

This thought came about during the most recent election. I’m not a republican, nor a democrat. So to me, election time is always a spectator sport. This year was different though. The divide between the two major parties was the widest gap I’ve ever witnessed. I started thinking; how can two large groups of people have such different views? Such different opinions on the same issues. It was a striking realization. All these people, everyone, felt like they were right. That they mattered. It was something I could relate to. Because quite honestly, I felt I mattered.

A short time after this I really started pondering why everyone (including me) felt we needed to be right. Why it means so much for us to be stamped with approval (others or our own). This led me down a long, dark hallway of self realization.

Some of the big characteristics I try to improve daily are open mindedness and better comprehending others. This election was many things, unfortunately not any of those traits, though. So with all that noise going on through the election I started to ask what is an effective way to understand people? As grown up humans, we sometimes think we come out of the box ready to go. This was one of those moments for me. I’m OK in this area because I’ve always done it (place your way here).

Now I want to be clear, I don’t mean “figure people out” and place them in a box. I mean truly understand where they are coming from. I also don’t mean accepting their views or changing to their stances. I mean just simply understanding them. By all means after the fact, if you resonate with something you should listen to that feeling very closely. But the idea wasn’t to go fishing for change, it was to just simply try and understand someone else.

After a while and a lot of thinking of past interactions and situations in my life, almost all of my answers came back to this one idea. The reason I feel so strongly about anything is because I think MY view matters. I perceive my view to be the ultimate. To be end game.

Speaking for myself, when my view takes up so much space, there is very little room for anything else. That kind of scared me, but mostly didn’t shock me. How could it be surprising? We live in a time when the only thing that matters is us. What we want, how we want it, when we want it. If anything, I would have been shocked if I came out thinking not enough of me was in my views. Of course I inhibit all my head space. The world we live in is a “me” world. Im not pushing back on that, it just is what it is. A good realization to keep in mind.

So, where from here? I’ve established my views are selfishly mine without room to breathe any fresh air. Is that it? We have our views, or opinions and we die? Sounds boring yes, but also horrific in a sense. Somewhere down the line I was speaking to a man at the fire department and in mid conversation it hit me like a ton of bricks. What if I don’t matter? Is it a scary thought? Sure! But is fear a righteous foe for self improvement? You decide.

What if I don’t matter? A big question. A scary question. But the more I kept pounding in my head when others were talking, the more things felt right. I would actually listen to people because frankly, I wasn’t thinking of some witty comeback to prove my point. It was enlightening. Refreshing even. If nothing else, the idea that I didn’t matter really assembled a healthy way to interact with people. I started to care for people more. Simply because, when you remove yourself, all thats left is everyone but you.

This practice was really, really effective. It made me an excellent listener and an even better solver for my own problems. Surprisingly, when you take yourself out of your own problems or scenarios, your next move or decision becomes a lot easier to navigate. You see, we inhibit so much thought and care about ourselves, we muddy up any clear water in the defense of us and our well being.

Living a life of me not mattering wouldn’t be easy, but certainly rewarding. There was a problem though…

I do matter. Maybe not to me in the sense of this practice, but to my family in CT I do. To my wife, and my 2 kids I matter and I’m thankful. You may read that and think it sounds idiotic or simple. But it’s the truth. They care what I have to say. They care how I feel. They care what happens in the my life. I also know, to be the best husband/dad for them, I need to feel self worth.

So like many other discoveries made, I find balancing has been the answer. Discern when to not matter. When someone is hurting because of a recent event, that exact moment is not the time to preach on how you would have done this or that. When you are driving home and see someone on the side of the road who needs some help, that exact time would not the best to judge that person. You’re not him or her, you don’t know what brought them there.

Do you see what I’m getting at? If you can accurately execute when to not matter, you can be a powerful force for good in this world.

I can understand how some would have a problem with this. Some would say you must stand for what you believe in. You must not waver to others opinions. But you see, you are the people I view every election fighting the other side with closed minds and clenched fists. I also see your finish line. If your party wins, you are happy for 4 or 8 years boasting the best option won. If your party loses you spend the next 4 or 8 years saying and thinking toxic, mind crippling thoughts about a person you’ve never met, but can only paint with broad strokes.

Like I’ve said in the past, I’m not saying throw away everything you believe in. I’m a firm supporter for standing for what you deem important. What I am saying is know when you could get real, real small. So small that you could convince yourself you don’t matter. It’s not easy, but when you can get there you can start seeing some beautiful things. Like people other than yourself.