Deep Thoughts – Page 3

Deep Thoughts, Family, Life, Memories of Nonni

Mickey & Mike

Mickey and Mike are my two cousins. Both are very special to me and both are without question great people. How I came to be close with them are two very different stories. But when we were close, (the span of 4 years) it was a bond that was very special and unique on all levels. You may recognize their names. I’ve mentioned them before. They are indeed my cousins who went and spent time at Nonni’s on sundays. But thats not where this story began. The story began with a book cover. It ends with content.

It was at my cousin Victoria’s (Mickey’s sister) birthday party which me and Mike first got close. Mickey and I always had a closeness because of our age. But Mike and I never really connected because of the 10 year gap. The party was a great time. It occurred at a more innocent time in my families timeline. Currently that side of my family tragically avoids each other and celebrates family milestones in an isolated fashion, but at this time everyone was just playing their usual role in the family. Everyone got along enough to be in the same room. It was great. I overheard Mike talking about film. I never knew Mike was into movies and such. We talked a little at that party and we had sort of an unsaid, natural closeness. I also overheard Mike talking about how he needed a haircut. I told him without question I would do his hair as one night after work. He came and again the conversation flourished, from the barber chair to the parking lot something was happening. Something new, yet something genuine.

It was a click moment in my life. Here was someone who I knew my entire life, who was always around but suddenly was turned into everything I admired in a blink of an eye. I couldn’t believe that A.) he talked and thought about films the way I did and B.) he actually cared about what I had to say. Mike has a calm, comfort to him. He listens to you talk and very, very rarely talks about himself. A trait I wish I had. After that talk in the parking lot things were different for me. I had a new friend. More astonishingly, it seemed he had one too.

After a little while of phone convos, Mike proposed the idea of heading to Nonni’s to fix a light for her, that was actually the first Nonni’s visit, but we started to make it a weekly thing. After a little bit Mickey caught wind and starting showing up and we sort of just formed a unit, a strong one. Mickey and Mike had got along cordially, kind of like Mike and I. But they shared similarities. They were both very interested and involved with music and the creation of it. They had a strong connection with arts and past experiences. The unit was forming with energy leading us. I don’t think any of us forced anything. It all happened so naturally.

Mickey is different from Mike in many ways though. Whereas Mike has “strong” image in my opinion, Mickey had a gentleness about him that came off as a very innocent energy. You got the feeling being around him that he was never going to be controversial and always would support your feelings on matters. Mickey had/has a big heart and in my opinion displays it in a soothing yet comfortable way. Mickey and I grew up together, we basically stayed at Nonni’s all our early summer days until we were in High School. We played Mortal Kombat (physically, not video games) We imagined our own companies, we went to the park with Nonni and played baseball. We did all sorts of fun stuff but most importantly, we connected on a deep level at young age. It solidified us a friends, not just cousins. Connections happened with Mickey and Mike in my life, just at different times. It was hard to see all of our little connections until the 3 of us combined to make a friendship. It seemed like fragments of rivers winding aimlessly until spilling into a vast ocean.

In the beginning of our hanging out, much weighed on Nonni’s. We met there every Sunday and things were cool. I found myself looking forward to seeing them and catching up on the week. Sunday after sunday we would meet and every time we would learn and feel out a little bit more about each other. We would start to have little running jokes and familiarities in conversations that were never there. It was so interesting to me. These people were around my entire life yet now, just now I am letting them into mine and learning so much more than the cover of a book. Soon, just meeting at Nonni’s wouldn’t be enough. We started to go to the movies every Sunday night after Nonni’s house. Sure the movies were great, but the magic happened after. Long conversations in the parking lot ensued while we learned more and more about one another. Like newly realized strangers, we were shocked at what we thought about each other and we were enthralled to learn new elements of each other’s life for the first time. Every sunday for me, was a new chapter to the most excited book I ever read. It was a page turner.

The 3 of us also conversed about so much more than we could ever imagine. Relationship issues. Past experiences, what we’d learned. What we wouldn’t be doing again. What we wanted to do again. It was truly a cathartic experience for myself. I could honestly say I learned how to “comfortably” just be myself around them. I didn’t need to put up a front. They enjoyed my company for who I was and I appreciated that. It made me feel “OK” to be me. I hope they would say I gave off that same energy to them. It was such pleasurable experience to be in their presence.

Sometimes writing characteristics of people just doesn’t quite get the job done, so i’ve thought very hard of memories I have of us to really portray these amazing people and hopefully add some vibrancy and life to their portrayal displayed here. There are three memories that I believe are very telling and an accurate picture about us and our relationships. 1 of Mike, 1 Mickey and 1 of all of us:

MEMORY 1 – Unselfishness of Mickey
I filmed my movie in mid 2008. Mickey’s home was the main set piece for the filming and even I didn’t realize how obtrusive filming would be. It was encompassing on us, never mind Mickey’s family who basically traded their house for a film set for 40 early mornings and 40 very late nights. Mickey wasn’t hired to do anything besides be patient (which he was). Early in the filming, it was clear I didn’t have the right man power for the crew. Mickey somewhat picked up on this and quietly, in a humbling manner just began to help. He wasn’t looking for rewards, he wasn’t doing anything to get noticed. He plainly witnessed someone he loved in need, and he delivered. I figured it was a one day thing and I was thankful. But day after day, he made my movie a priority in his life. In other words, he made something I cared about mean a great deal to him. He didn’t have too, and that was the point. That was Mickey in a nutshell. Quietly helping behind the scenes when no one asks. He’s got huge heart and the remarkable aspect of it is; he’s unaware of just how unselfish he is.

MEMORY 2 – Kindness & Thoughtfulness of Mike
Mickey unfortunately had the inevitable happen to him. His girlfriend of multiple years broke things off after she entered college. It took a month longer than Mike and I predicted (october). Well, Mickey has a kind heart and really had super strong feeling for this girl. It wasn’t hard to see what was going to happen. It was unfortunate but a ticking clock, nonetheless. Sure enough Mike called me on a Saturday and said simply “Mickey’s a mess.” “Say no more” I responded. It was like our trio bat light in the sky was shining. Mike came to the salon and Mickey followed. I will be hard pressed to forget such a night. Mike sat for hours and hours at the salon literally until early morning giving Mickey advice on how to handle things. It was an act of amazing trust on one side and unparalleled kindness on the other. I sat back and watched in complete awe. 2 people completely in the moment. Mickey called, Mike responded. I had the extreme pleasure to observe such thoughtfulness from Mike. He cared immensely for Mickey and you could clearly see, it hurt Mike to see Mickey hurt.

MEMORY 3 – Something Real
When our Nonni ultimately ended up in the hospital for the final time, it was unfortunately in the midst of our families internal warfare. People who avoided each other (and Nonni) purposely were sort of forced to come and be around one another. They felt a need of some sort I guess. I’ll never forget that feeling that everyone was there to make up for lost time with Nonni. It felt so fake to me. So manufactured. I bad situation I admit. But in the middle of all that I beheld a sight I will never forget. My big, loud Italian family conversing with one another barely being able to look each other in the eye and across the room I see Mike and Mickey just talking, even laughing. Doing what we did. Enjoying each other’s company. We left nothing on the table. Especially with Nonni, but even more so with ourselves. We were all genuine in our feelings for one another. What more can someone ask for? In a time were everyone was playing the role of life, we weren’t “playing” anything. We had something real. We had a bond that didn’t require a death in the family to mend.

Mickey and Mike weren’t obligated to be anything but cousins to me. There was no script for us to follow. Events didn’t have to happen. But they did. Not a day goes by I’m not genuinely thankful for friends like them and the experiences we shared together. I realize many people go their entire lives without such relationships. I take nothing for granted. Every Sunday at Nonni’s, I knew something special was happening. Every time Mickey, Mike and I were planning something, I knew it would be for the ages. I knew these memories were what mattered and I had a feeling they did too.

The reason the Mickey and Mike time in my life was so profound, so special and most of all, so inspiring is something I have pondered for a very long time. I recently came up with an answer. A simple answer. I guess the only way to put this may be in an example: Picture someone in your life that you see everyday but don’t talk to. Now, think of what your thoughts are on that person. No doubt, you have an opinion. Sure you do, we’re pro’s at that. Then finally, one day go talk to them. Let them filled your skewed, perceived book covers with pages of freshness and breath life into it. The simple truth is actually really simple with Mickey and Mike. If Nonni’s never happened I fear to say they would still be book covers to me. Sure we would see each other at family parties and such. And sure, maybe their content grew clearer as time ticks along, after all they are family. But that directly strikes my point. I was “supposed” to be close to these two special people. But I wasn’t and I never knew I wasn’t till I got close enough to see who they really were and are. Two special people who hold a permanent spot in my life and heart. Our time we grew close was magical to me. No other word comes close. I love them very much.

Deep Thoughts, Life

Talking in the Rain

Talking in the rain makes no sense. No sense at all. Logically, if you or I were in the middle of conversing with someone and it began raining, we would simply seek shelter. Its like life, we want things our way, as comfy as we can achieve. But I earnestly and honestly ask you, what advances in your life have come from being comfortable? I can speak for myself. None. If you look closer you’ll see, the state of contentment is a violently dangerous thing. I’m afraid all too often, being comfortable hinders us from living life and living a fulfilled one at that.

The idea of this post was created by my best friend Jeremy. We were having one of our “solving the world’s problems” conversations when, yep you guessed it, it starting raining. But the conversation was so accurate, so true, so completely hitting the target of what we were trying to work out that a little rain couldn’t and for that matter wouldn’t hinder something so much more important. Connecting.

We live in world that caters to us. Were spoiled to the core. We all have cell phones that do everything for us. Our cars basically drive themselves. We have a digital screen that follows us everywhere and displays peoples lives in a continuous, exhausting flow. We have the news media chomping at the bit for our attention. We have unqualified role models setting unobtainable expectations which is a disgusting product of marketing in America. But my point is: whatever you need, It’s here and available. Its comfortable and at an arm’s length to obtain. And in a crazy twist of our now scary reality, we are all content, dare I say numb to our surroundings. We are absent when questioning why. We just do and assume the best. We all need something to wake us up, out of this heavy, heavy haze.

That’s why we need to feel the rain. Or more importantly, *we* need to *feel* something. Anything. Anything to knock us out of that exhausting line of blindly walking to nowhere. There’s that popular Hilary Cooper quote: “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.” Think about that for a second. Now the scary part, apply it to your life. Where I ask, where have our breathless moments gone? The option of having them hasn’t left. It’s sitting idle twiddling it’s thumbs while we use ours to flick the screens of our phones. A sad affair, unfortunately. Yet a reality.

What to do? Maybe your content with living life in this fashion. I’m not, and pray I never will be. So heres some thoughts I have on my brain to maybe change some things. Change your work flow so to speak. Maybe they’ll be beneficial to you, maybe not. But it doesn’t hurt trying.

First and foremost, Get out of your comfort zone. I mean we exist in a world of comfort. Comfort, in my opinion is not a measure of what you should be doing. So in that logic, just because your comfortable doesn’t mean what you’re doing is right. Probably, it means the opposite. Do something fresh, something new. Something you’re not an “expert” on. Learn something worth learning. Get out of routine. Don’t let your schedule run you. Theres something so simple and beautiful about a spontaneous moment. I fear when I look back at my life too many things will have been done because they were expected or part of an itinerary. That makes me sad. Sad for me sure, but more importantly sad for those I love.

The second thing is something I mentioned in a previous post “tech>you?” But I’ll hit it again here because it ties in nicely here. Trying connecting with people instead of screens. I know, I know, we love our phones and tablets and everything else. But what if connecting with people is the only thing that really matters in life? What if you find out too late that you should have spent more time with someone or gave someone more attention. Could it be that screens hinder us in ways we can’t control? I would bid to say yes. More so, I would submit that the recipient who deserves your attention feels unappreciated. I would hate to think someone (especially someone who I care for infinitely) felt second to a device or an inanimate object. It feels demoralizing and lonely. How do I know? Because to my shame I was on both ends. And if those are the vibes you want to throw to people. Well, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

I’m not sure if those will help. But if you don’t believe these are serious affairs. Consider your kids (if you have them). Here’s a frightening question I submit to you. Would you be happy if your kids turned out exactly like you are at this moment? Scary stuff huh? Maybe it’s just me, but I would rather my son get a little wet in the rain having the best conversation or playtime of his life then be squeaky clean and dry staring at screen just because everyone else was. Its time to take back our lives from whatever hinders us from being us. The devices and schedules have won for far too long. Put them down and look around. Its worth it I promise. If not for you, for those who want to do that long lost thing: Connect with those they love.

I still completely agree with the first line of this post. Talking in the rain still makes no sense. No sense at all. I mean think about it. There you are standings with someone, both soaked with water dripping down your face. And sure maybe your uncomfortable, maybe you look silly. But maybe, just maybe your comfort doesn’t measure whats really important. Your outward appearance doesn’t judge who you are truly on the inside. But what if talking in the rain is all that really matters? An moment of pure connection.

Heres the thing, talking in the rain doesn’t need to make sense. Not everything we do needs to be logically correct or fit a certain order. It’s ok to do things that don’t make sense. It’s ok to not follow the mold. Its you being you and not a fabricated version of you with hints of genuine traits. It’s OK to feel the rain time and time again. It’s productive to get wet. To feel the result of a non comfortable life. You see, the rain is a test. A test of how you choose to live your life, and getting wet is the reward. The rain you can always dry off, remove if you will. Connecting with someone you love, you can’t.

We all need to get wet once in our lives, and live such a life that all that really matters is talking in the rain.

Pro Tip: Leave your umbrella at home.

Deep Thoughts, Family, Life, Memories of Nonni

Thankfulness

One day I’ll truly understand what being thankful means. As I grow older and dare I say, more mature, I’m beginning to question more and more what I honestly think about things and the place they have in my life. We all have that time in our lives where things are just accepted. Usually at a young age, shaped by our parents. So obviously what we are thankful for ties hand in hand with the values which we are taught. I speak for myself when I say. Just recently, those values have shifted from another’s to my own.

I guess being thankful starts with comfort. You are naturally thankful for things you “like” or “enjoy.” But as I have grown older, I begin to realize being thankful is tied directly to what you truly hold dear. For some it may be possessions, others achievements. Nothing wrong with those. Both are reputable in the world and mostly cherished.

In my life to this point, the most honest answer I can give, would be relationships. Past and present. Big and small. Relationships are unique. They are not given but earned. They take time develop and mature. Occurrences and past experiences shape the final result. No 2 could be alike. No 2 should be alike. They are tailor made for the participants and fill emotions in the gaps of those peoples lives. Very special are they and treasuring them is simple yet steadied art to achieve.

Firstly my wife Lindsey, She is an unselfish, honest woman who is pure at heart. Those traits are all too often looked upon lightly (mostly by myself.) And in my opinion, qualities that aren’t easy to abide by, she effortlessly performs them daily. I’m thankful for her and her presence in my life and by zero means do I deserve what she brings to it. I still haven’t figured out a way to demonstrate the emotion of thankfulness to her in a acceptable way in my opinion, yet she stays. That means everything to me.

Another relationship I am immensely thankful for is my cousin Mike. We live in different states now. But in my younger years he took time to show me I mattered. He spent real time with me talking about my interest and helping me with my problems. Things I now hold very highly for my wish list on how to treat others. He told me without telling me that he cared about me. Even though we are miles away, the bond we made remains strong. Something to cherish and not something easily obtained.

My best friend Jeremy also is someone to cherish. I look up to him in many areas, professionally and personally. He has done many things for me in the past and recently. Things that some family members wouldn’t do for each other. He is someone who is truly a friend with no motive behind his actions. In my opinion that is a rarity. I only wish I could return what he is to me unto him. To this date, I’ve never met a more selfless person in my travels.

My Nonni is someone who I daily gain more respect and appreciation for. The longer she is gone the more I look back upon her and what she held important. I miss her a bunch. I miss the way she would tell a story. She would make you feel special and she wouldn’t shy away from true feelings. She loved telling you how she felt. Sometimes it was harsh, but it taught me a lot. Being a true friend and loving a person doesn’t mean you yes them to death or tell them what they wish to hear. To Nonni, loving you meant to give it to you straight, a noble trait in that is seemingly lost in most people nowadays.

Last (in this post) but certainly not least would be my mom and Dad. Maybe we always didn’t see eye to eye and still probably don’t on topics and life decisions. But that fact alone has only makes me appreciated them more. They still care for me regardless of decisions I have made in my life. There is a bond there that can never be broken, for better or worse and I appreciate that. They truly care for me and I’m not so naive to take that for granted anymore. A constant love is what they offer, to me thats the best gift parent can display.

Those are just examples and Lord knows if I mentioned everyone this post would be intolerable even by my standards. But I guess what I am trying to get across is that being thankful changes in one’s life over a period of time. Right now for me, I’m most thankful for people and the connection I make with them. I’m one of those “I don’t expect anything” people. It’s one of my few traits I actually very much appreciate. So when someone takes in interest in me, I really, truly appreciate it.

I dare you to take time to search what you are truly thankful for. Not some monotone, prefabricated answer that is expected of you. Something that truly matters. It doesn’t matter if people don’t agree. That’s the beauty of opinion. Take careful notes of what you choose. Save them. And after a couple of years put them together and see how you’ve grown. I promise you’ll learn something about yourself. If for no other reason, you’ll understand that you are not as important as you think, and the objects of your thankfulness are the things that are.

And that is something truly to be thankful for.

Deep Thoughts, Family

My Brother Mike

Why do I love my brother? He is genuine, smart and soft hearted. His dynamic has effected my whole life in a positive manner. More so than anyone else, he has emulsive control of his actions. Something I feel I fail at. He is there when you wouldn’t think he would be. He is a true friend.

When I was young, my brother Mike and I were not very close. We have 10 years in between us, so naturally we led 2 separate lifestyles. I would see his life as vignettes. Him getting ready to go. Him coming home. Him having friends over, etc. I very much took the role as a younger sibling who watched, sometimes in awe, sometimes in confusion but always with intrigue. He was a charismatic, fun person to be around.

He moved out at a young age and “real” life engulfed him. There he was, one day living as my older brother, the next gone into the working world, living with friends and being a grown up. It’s funny how people come in and out of your life. But the beauty of family is, he was gone but not far. His visits would range from getting laundry done to coming to dinner and of course family parties. The old ball and chain for some. For me, I cherished these times. Call them bookmarks if you will. But each return of his marked a new chapter, a new development. A story being written. I was so interested in as a young boy.

As I grew older, it seemed our relationship starting becoming more relevant. Our conversations began spawning hours of talk. Talk that mattered. We even started hanging out. More so then just him baby sitting. But going to movies, playing video games. Going back and forth to countless Mets games. We graduated from brothers and enrolled in friends.

Many times I put myself in his shoes. Would I be a “good” older brother? Would I have the effect on someone my brother had on me? My personally opinion would be no. I hardly am good at anything I do. But yes, someone could be named a brother just by having a younger sibling. In my opinion though, the “brother” tag needs to earned. It isn’t something someone just is because. The merits for that badge includes: Faithfulness, strong, caring, trusting, reliable, role model. Mike DiLeo has all these plus more.

Today, I love my brother very much. He is very important to me for selfish reasons and unselfish alike, but nonetheless important. I appreciate all he has done for me in my life whether I know it all or not. And I’m sure I don’t. We now live across the country from each other and I could earnestly say we have never been closer. Thanks Mike, for being the best big brother anyone could have.

Deep Thoughts, Family, Life, Memories of Nonni

Picking Pasta

My nonni had a way of making people feel important. In many ways, a special gift she possessed. As a young boy, I remember thinking she was the sole person who actually listened to me. When your young that means a bunch, especially if your looking for a lending ear. When you grow and begin maturing, it means substantially more. She taught me and in many ways still is, that listening is vastly more important than talking. While my famous sunday evening memories are engulfed with very talkative conversation, the most fluid and influential are unsurprisingly calm and quiet vignettes that stand the test of time.

7PM was the appointed meeting time at nonni’s home. Every Sunday, all year. Two other very special people came, and we formed in many ways a bond that will never be broken. A past memory we were fortunate enough to be around for. If we were ignorant in the beginning to just how special this time would be, it became more apparent as sundays went. The event gave me something to look forward to you. It gave me hope that in a rough week, nonni’s was around the corner. Once in a while I would “accidentally” arrive early. Not too early, but a mere 20 or so minutes prior to the next. Those 20 minutes were simply me talking and nonni listening. She taught and told me without uttering a single syllable, listening is what matters.

It never failed, once the clock hit 7 and the three of us were assembled around the table, she would inevitably give the command. In a seemingly random order, one of us would be summoned to pick the pasta. Surely, a mundane action to anyone especially us, considering it happened every single Sunday. But to her, an important reminder for us that we were important. The command signified a pause in life. As soon as the order was given, it was ok to settle in. In many ways, it was her saying sit down and relax. It was a subtle phrase that suddenly meant the world to me. Much like nonni’s, the emotion changed from mundane to admiration.

Conversations were picked and plucked from many different worlds at nonni’s table. Her participation varied and nearing the end of her life, she was reserved to just listening for the most part. I wouldn’t be so ignorant to think this wasn’t purposeful though. She was as much of the conversation quiet as she was vocal. She loved to just sit there and let us talk, mostly about subjects she had admittedly, absolute zero interest in. But even in the moment I assumed something deeper was happening.

It occurred to me after the fact that Nonni in many ways was an enabler. An enabler of this event for starts. It was in fact her who first invited us over, only to let us talk and converse about things she didn’t care about, yet endured the conversations. You see she didn’t care about the subjects of topic, or type of pasta we picked or anything for that matter. All she truly cared about was that we were there. And she did everything in her humble ways to make us feel welcome and significant. From varying bowl sizes according to appropriately sized eaters, to simply just listening about things she didn’t necessarily care about but knew we did. She was all about us, all of time.

I think nonni’s impact was so influential on me simply because she never flaunted her motives. She never needed credit for doing anything and she certainly wasn’t looking for it. She was more invested in spending time with us, then projecting life lessons. But the beautiful revelation of Sundays at nonni’s, came to me after the fact. Like a great painting, being too close to something blurs the intended meaning. Nonni’s was always about life lessons and they were so effective because they were genuinely distributed.

You see Nonni always wanted to make one of us feel special, she always gave us all the time we needed. To talk amongst each other or simply listen to us individually, unconditionally. Not impending judgement, just lending an ear with input if we so desired. She taught me, there’s a place for that in life. There’s a place called meekness that lives only when you realize a direct way to someones life is through their heart, not their head. Something Nonni did so well, just listen and invest in those you love. A great life lesson she distributed to me. Something I am forever grateful for and an area I continually try to improve in.

Towards the end of nonni’s life I came to find out something very interesting. It turned out, nonni always knew who’s turn it was to pick the pasta. As weeks went by, she kept a record of it. It wasn’t a guess on her part. It was important to her; remembering the little details about loved ones in her life. But I cant help but wonder that she knew, one day we would understand and comprehend. Understand her quietness around the table. Comprehend that listening is the best gift you can give someone. I cant help but think she knew as we grew older, that the purpose for coming to Nonni’s wasn’t at all to keep her company as we all thought. But for us to learn. Learn how to one day, let someone else pick the pasta.

Deep Thoughts, Life, Movies

Movies & My Childhood

When i decided that starting a blog made sense in my life, i had to configure what was worth writing about. After an almost endless internal thought process, my passions started to become clear. It’s funny how aspects of your life stay with you. Friends certainly don’t, relationships for the most part fall by the wayside. Few things have been with me my entire life. The love of movies is one of them.

Being a young boy i remember the impact of movies and how the “larger than life” feel was a powerful one. My parents got divorced when i was a weird age. Not quite old enough to drive myself to and from at my will and certainly not young enough to be oblivious to what was happening around me. To the best of my knowledge, i coped with their divorce in many ways, one of the largest being film.

There i was, a 12 year old going from house to house with my backpack full of movies. While i had many friends at this period in my life, none of them were making the to’s and fro’s to my parent’s separate worlds. The love of film entered my life because a void needed to be filled. Picture a train going its normal speed but with no stops. Just a continuous ride. Thats how i felt. For whatever reason, movies gave me my stop. My train station if you will.

The films in that backpack started to become essential to me. No matter what my ever-changing life could throw, those films always were consistent in being present. Always there, always the same and to a 12 year old who’s life was always being altered, that was a big deal.

(While the titles changed sometimes randomly) the staples were always accounted for. Rear Window, Rope. Close Encounters of the Third kind, Vertigo among others. The characters in these films became my closest friends. No matter what i was going through, no matter what changed, no matter who entered and exited; these characters remained. There is something to be said about people in your life. Your “real friends” people say, are the ones that stick close through thick and thin. By definition then, mine were people i never met. Although they obviously will never know the role they played in my life, thankfully they were there when i needed them most.

Thinking back on those days, the emotions and results alike, i honestly can’t picture that time without film. One of my favorite aspects of movies is how they can be so, so personal to someone and nothing more than a mere 2 hours wasted in another’s life. The point is they reach. In that time in my life, i needed some reaching and was eager to reach back.

Film has impacting me to the extent of making my own. The words “The Fiction” will always be very special to me. I remember writing The Fiction and just the pure act of really writing a movie felt so close to home for me. I felt comfortable and familiar. When the decision to film came about, surprisingly i was even more comfortable. I won’t prolong this post on The Fiction as i suppose future posts will call “The Fiction” home, but to not mention it in this body of words would have been a serious crime Sam Spade certainly wouldn’t have allowed.

Done right or not, movies speak. We are all so different that movies align properly with whom they choose. They do all of us justice or a disservice. They point something out in your life or simply remind you of a past memory. They make you appreciate or repress. While the final verdict of a film differs between us all, we can all agree on one thing; movies touch us in our own unique ways. I know they did for me. Much like the characters i befriended long ago, film will never know my love for it. But that doesn’t mean i’ll stop reaching. More importantly it means movies will never stop reaching back for me. And ill be there.

Deep Thoughts, Life, Technology

Tech > You?

If there was ever a time of having the most control over my life, I would say it’s now. The stars have aligned perfectly with our existence and the gadget industry to not only control our lives more efficiently, but in a whole, force them into submission. Yet why is it I personally don’t feel that way. Moreover, why does it seem reversed? Why do I pull to refresh for the next status update or tweet more often than I do things of substance? A more than worthy question in my humble opinion.

I have been dreaming up this article since I started using an iPhone in 2007. The interesting and maybe very telling thing is, I couldn’t bring myself to write it. I’m not sure if my hesitance was because of uncertainty on what I was feeling or me simply suppressing the truth. Either way, after years of ponder, only one thing could be said. The only fact I’ve learned is a simple one: My tech had altered my life. Some would argue in a good way. Sure, that makes sense to me on the surface, and there’s certainly enough productivity apps to support such an argument. Unfortunately all the dropboxes in the world couldn’t fix my problem. The only workflow that seamlessly fixed my problem was me.

One in my position would probably start this journey of “fixing” their tech ruled world by rewinding to the beginning. So I did. I figured laptops and desktops have been around for a bit, and I certainly owned them. So why all of sudden am I feeling like a slave to my tech? A humble conclusion on my part: Mobile.

Mobile is different. Mobile is with you. Mobile is an extension of you. Mobile slowly claims ownership of you, at least in my case. How could this happen? A cell phone certainly doesn’t aim to control you. What was I doing to let this happen? I simply wanted a phone to call,text and use an app here and there. A simple beginning to a complicated, self recognized middle.

Like any interested researcher, I had to look into the content of my subject. If my subject was my phone, then that content only pointed to one direction, Apps. And on a more personal level, I had to look into myself and how I use apps.

Apps are an amazing new technology that apple invented in 2008. Wait. Wait a second, no they aren’t. Apps have simply went on a diet and slimmed down their figure and look a whole lot more attractive. They used to be called Applications and their existence goes back as far as their elderly host hardware. So why now? Why is the glue stickier than ever between these “apps” and me.

The following two factors are mainly my personal belief and not fact supported, only privately applied and thought through. By no means do intend on solving these issues. Individually, I believe we all have the tools to solve these potential issue personally. My objective is to only shine a light on them.

Intrusion

There it is. In your pocket. You know, your device. All the time. Yes all the time. Isn’t it scary to think the only time you were more than 20 feet away from your current device was when you were tracking it’s shipping status on your previous? Intrusion speaks volumes to me. The attachment I felt, or connection if you will. Any where I go there it is. When does iMovie go from being a revolutionary app to an anxiety filled event because I know what it’s capable of and just don’t have the time. When does siri become more of a trust worthy companion than your long life buddy? Intrusion never allows you to rest. Simply because the security of your “safe wall” if you will, has been permanently lowered. Of course we love the technology that brings us information but something else is happening in the background. Our brains are being programmed to not search, to not inquire and most importantly, to not feel content. Laugh if you will, but don’t laugh too long to miss the writing on the wall.

Instant

It’s safe for me to say these elements were bogging me down and bogging me down in a big way. How do I fight against instant gratification? How do I control instant gratification without limiting the device I adore? We buy these phones for their features. Case in point: Push Notifications. What a great technology. Convenient, up to date, yet unknowingly training us to expect things at the very second. Push is great, it helps and it hurts, but for me personally, the hurt outweighed the help.

Instant gratification allowed my mind to become numb and possibly lazy. We all admire that information gets pushed to us almost immediately as it happens and we love the convenience of such a tool, but something should be said for receiving content in a timely, dear I say old fashioned manner. The digestion of information is something I completely lost. I used to enjoy taking time, reading a story initially, then revisiting time and time again, like a great film. Somewhere along the line, I rapidly moved from comfort reading at my own pace to falling behind in my instapaper queue. Now I’m certainly not saying instant information is a bad thing whatsoever, but its a powerful tool. To quote one of my more enjoyable films: “with great power comes great responsibility.” As I honestly look back, initially I lacked responsibility, or maybe more accurately, I didn’t know I needed it.

My solution: Don’t let those 2 I’s overcome the two on your face. Look around, see the world. Experience a great conversation once and awhile. Talk about something that you aren’t an expert on for a change. I lost that, I lost the wonder I had because I simply wikipediaed what I needed to know instead of actually experiencing it.

A more beneficial ingredient would be to listen and not google. Sure tech is great and smartphones are a great achievement in the history of man. But don’t let it define you. It was defining me to a point that I lost the things I was interested in.

Of course there are settings that I could have manipulated to simply terminate any of my issues. That’s not really the point though is it? My goal was to live with this technology, not show it the back door. The goal was to find a happy medium, there almost always is one. And seemingly, your happy medium is probably different then your friends in your contacts.app.

Although the fight is a daily battle, it’s worth it. If indeed you are a soldier in this fight, keep going. Don’t eliminate try and mediate. Take a look at your life and see what is really needed and most importantly, see what isn’t. Now, if your not in this battle and your pixels don’t hinder your life in the least bit, take this opinionated article as caution, not as confirmation. To forget or ignore something simply allows it to be born again in another form.

Stop pulling down to refresh your life. Look around. It’s liberating. I promise.