Category: Family
Just looking through some photos from Connecticut tonight. We had some great times there. It’s funny how it easy it is to forget things. Like Liam going to the YMCA to play basketball 3 times a week, photoshoots I attempted to do or going to pick a pumpkin in the fall. Anyways I like looking back and reflecting on past events, it lets them breathe again. I miss Connecticut, but am super grateful for the time we had there.
While August isn’t quite over yet, I wanted to tackle this early. A lot has happened. Lindsey, Liam, Luca and I are in our new house! It is pretty awesome and odd at the same time. I really want it to feel like “our” home, but it’s just too soon for that. Respectfully, it is still a “house” and has yet to graduate to a “home”. Also, the notion of your “home” has got me thinking a lot now. What is a home? Do people make a home? Do memories make a home? Super interesting to me.
Liam started school and although we love his teacher, he is falling into some of the same issues he had last year. This is extremely frustrating because to his teachers, it must seem like as parents, Lindsey and I do nothing to improve his condition. Nothing can be further form the truth. We lose sleep nightly trying to figure what to do and how to aid his attention span issue. I am less than confident about it being an “age” thing. I get scared now when people tell us he will grow out of it. I just want to spend as much time as possible with him and help in any way I can. I’m doing an exhausting amount of research. Surprisingly every kid is different and there is no blueprint. Who woulda known?
I started and stopped at Home Depot. The idea was to go back there and earn some extra money to help with our new pad’s expenses. Unfortunately, I didn’t take some obvious things into consideration. For one, When previously employed there, I didn’t work a job that takes me away from my family for 24 hours. Also, currently Lindsey has her hands full with the baby. My first night working, I felt awful leaving them and Lindsey with her hands full like that. In addition to Liam really needing two parents there to show him adequate attention. Like I told Lindsey when I showed up at home in the middle of my second night there, “I just couldn’t do it.” I want to be home more helping her. I’m not saying I’m good at anything, but she could use the two extra hands in a big way right now. I want to be there for her and Liam anyway I can. I felt immensely bad telling Home Depot this, but I will never apologize for something that I feel is right for my family. As a my friend and former co worker Mike at Home Depot told me, Family first man, Family First.
Having a baby around the house again is new and old. I forgot how every minute of everyday must be spent on the baby’s well being. We are continually blessed that Luca is healthy in every which way. I am still worried for his allergies considering Liam has had such a hard time. But time will tell. He is a joy to be around and Liam’s interaction with him is simply priceless.
I feel September will be a transition month for us as a family getting used to our home and commencing the memory making. I start filming our church video September 6th, with the hope of a final edit completion by the first of the year. It will be a huge project but I am up for the challenge. The church deserves it and I hope I can deliver.
Hopefully September brings some sane amount of coldness. The heat here is getting so tough. Here’s to mittens and hot cocoa! Too soon? Never!
By the way, Thank you guys so much for your feedback on the Chapter I posted. I got so much great info that I never even considered. So thank you again!
Born 7/16/2015 1:34am
Well, today Lindsey is officially a College graduate! Remembering when I first met her, she told me of her attending the University of Georgia for 3 years and majoring in pharmacy. That alone showed drive and big brains. Over the years, one of the many things I’ve learned from Lindsey is drive is much more important than intelligence. She has plenty of both. But drive is what propelled her to today.
We married and she moved to CT. Anyone could tell though, within a few months she was pondering school again. How could she not? She spent so much time and energy doing it and then all of a sudden, it was gone. She is a finisher, so naturally the current state of her schooling was unsettling. She mentioned many times of not wanting to waste her parents money and following through on what she started. Great qualities and admirable traits for anyone to strive for.
I still remember the night Lindsey told me she was seriously looking into returning and finishing her degree. I set out to be as supportive as possible and I can recollect being excited for her but honestly, I had no idea how she was going to pull this off. She was a full-time caretaker for our two year old who was growing in energy by the second. And I worked insane amount of hours. She knew better than anyone this was going to be extremely difficult. But that didn’t stop her.
She dug her heels in and did the work. When she was tired, she did it. When she had to pull all nighters with a baby, she did it. Lindsey wanted the degree so bad, nothing got in the way. She showed an amazing amount of loyalty and resilience to the cause. Characteristics of a hero in an epic film. Sure, there were times where she doubted and times that were tough. But anything worth doing is never easy.
Personally, I couldn’t be more proud of her. She is an amazing “graduate” and even better mom and wife.
Here’s to Lindsey, someone who persevered through the exhausting times, mentally and physically. The times when online teachers were difficult to read. The times when your project partners took advantage of you and you were left with all the work. The times of configuring Microsoft Word at 2am just to enable a stupid feature your project needed.
Congratulations Linds,it was all worth it and no one can take away what your hard work and resiliency has brought you.
Love you
“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
― Oscar Wilde
When I was young and people used the word “strong” I would always think of armor, or something that had a lot of strength. Something that was solid, tough or even powerful, maybe. But as time has passed and experiences have taught me, that thought has actually proven to be false. Now, when I think of the word “strong” I picture a human who’s open and vulnerable, completely transparent and unapologetically honest. It’s odd how life and experiences change us. If we’re not open and true to ourselves we will inevitably chase our own tail in the dark with a forever dizziness. I headache that I can assure you is not pleasant.
I have long thought about the subject of the “real you.” Personally, I was confronted with the notion of not being true and honest with myself (and others) a couple years ago. I only got to that place because I knew I was horribly wrong in something I was doing. It’s a personal issue and I’m not quite ready to talk about that publicly yet. But I am most certainly ready to talk about what I learned/learning from it.
First and foremost, how does one know or come to the realization that you’re living a life of inauthenticity and what does that even mean? Well, honestly I can only speak for myself and my experiences. Looking back, the process started really slow. Actually in my case I wasn’t aware the process even began. I slowly morphed into someone i’m not. It’s frightening to think we could become something so distant from who we are without acknowledging its in progress.
I always wanted to please people and for the most part still do. But, when I was younger I would go unto great, great lengths to do this. I would stretch myself thin, I would go way above and beyond for anyone. To a stranger or someone judging from the outside, I assume that sounds fine. I’m sure it sounds like I was a nice person. But just like any other internal issue, when you just let something go and go, it spirals and spirals to the point of beyond recognition. That’s what I was turning into: beyond recognition.
Another element working against me was my parents were divorced. And by any means, if you are reading this and have divorced parents, in no way is that a death sentence, quite the opposite actually. But for me, it was not trivial. I learned to play the system. To play both sides. To again, agree with everyone. I learned to deceive, plot and scheme. But all of this was happening under the surface, you see. I didn’t have a daily planner of deception. But by the end of a period of time, I made a collection of bad habits.
The last thing that I think really hurt myself was making good amounts of money from age 16 – 22. It was legal. Most people by any accounts would say I was very successful and had a bright future (financially). Money is an interesting thing. Being young with so much of it made me turn my head to things. It made me not come face to face with bigger personal issues that were pending. I had the luxurious option to just throw money at issues to make them “go away.” And if I didn’t do that, I would just self define myself as someone better than others because of my financial status, furthering my deception of the real me. I’m not saying money is bad, but letting it define you certainly is unhealthy. I was burying myself with a shovel full of lies, images and things.
Nearly all of the resulting products of living a false life is lying. Or at least in my case it was. Wanting to please people really weighed much on my mind. A really easy way to do this was just lie. Tell people what they wanted to hear. It was simple, it didn’t hurt me (seemingly) and all was happy.
The problem that I started to encounter was not only was that turning me into a different person of no defined values, more importantly it made me think I wasn’t good enough. If I always needed to just say what people wanted to hear, subconsciously I was thinking, the truth wasn’t good enough and likewise, I wasn’t good enough.
Thinking you are not good enough is a really dangerous feeling if harbored uncontrollably and in my case, unknowingly. I promise, you will one day wake up in a world of fake that you created, maybe not on purpose and it will most certainly reach not only to you, but unfortunately to your loved ones as well.
It effects you:
How can it not effect you? You’re publishing a magazine that is supposed to be you but has an unknown, unaware writer, but you still want everyone to think its you. All of your wants and desires, your image you want to be perceived as; all lies. That’s an awful feeling. Trust me. I know from experience. And the deeper you go into the whirlwind of anonymity, the harder it is to claw your back.
It effects them:
In the beginning of our marriage, my wife often spoke of the 2 me’s. She mentioned how sometimes I’m here, and sometimes I’m not. All of course being physically present. She talks about when we first got married and all I did was “fit” her in my life. I made no sacrifices, no changes and expected her to do much of the heavy lifting. All of this while I was “perceiving everything was great.” You see, my lying and self deception even reached to my most loved people without me even knowing. That alone, was paramount enough for me to face this head on.
Why?
OK, so why the idea to write this. Im happy to report I am slowly on my way out of this but continue to grow and learn. I am nowhere near “fixed” but I’m present for the daily fight and that alone is a huge step for me. But talking to someone very close to my life recently made me realize that others suffer from the same condition as I was prisoner to. So, somewhere in my head I felt if I read something like this along the way, maybe that would have helped? I’m not sure? But this blog was established to be self therapeutic, so if nobody receives an inch of help from this, thats fine also. Because telling the truth never became easier for me, but the freedom the truth gives is an unwavering, liberating emotion that I continue to strive for.
How it gets better:
What I learned and am learning everyday is being honest starts with yourself. It’s OK to not be perfect. Looks or actions. Perfection is boring. Expectations (yours or others) are damaging, false pretenses that cause good, genuine people serious hurt and anxiety. Come to terms with whatever you are. That’s OK. However you look, be content. Your flaws don’t define you. Be accepting of them and know it’s OK.
Personally, I think Wreck it Ralph has the right idea:
http:/https://youtu.be/QlNHcP2g8Zs?t=18s
From what I’ve experienced, there is little to be gained in living a life of inauthenticity. Not only is it unfair to those around us, it is also unfair to you. Those who live honestly, recognizing and admitting their weaknesses and faults inspire others to do the same. And in the end, all that is gained is true and honest and strangely, surprisingly satisfying.
If you consider yourself molded by your surroundings, or a feel a huge weight of anxiety to “fit in.” Please take a step back and breathe. I’ve been there and sometimes, I’m still there. But you can do this, just like I can do this. Because being honest with yourself and others is being who God created you as, and it took a very long time for me realize that’s OK. Actually its better than OK, it’s perfectly fine.
I met Lindsey in an odd way. I was asked to show my best friend’s wife’s sister and her friends Manhattan for a night. It’s not that I didn’t want to, I just had so much going on in my life that I felt really bogged down on time. But Jeremy was a close friend, I said “sure thing”.
It seems like basically overnight there they were, their accents and all and me showing them around NYC. It was fun, seeing how exciting they were. But Lindsey stood out to me. I immediately was drawn to her humbleness and up for anything attitude. Ive been around girls my whole life, then I worked at a salon. But speaking honestly, Lindsey didn’t seem like a girl. She seemed like a person who was content with who she was. I found that striking and personally, something I have always longed for in myself.
It wasn’t long before we were texting, texting turned into phone calls and phone calls turned into “dates” and dates ultimately turned into babies (kidding). We got married in less than a year after we first met. Odd if you are from CT, seemingly normal if you are from GA. Anyways, my family was skeptical until they all met her. That was that. They loved her.
Me and Lindsey were only married a few months before we found out she was pregnant with Mr. Liam. People generally react negatively when I tell them this. “Well, you didn’t have much freedom” etc. etc. I get that, I see where they’re coming from and their spot on. We didn’t. But I wouldn’t change it for anything. Watching Lindsey be a “mom” or more so a “caretaker” is her in her element. She has a huge heart. It’s always on display. She cares for Liam like no one else matters. And I’m ok with that, that’s validation for me.
Today I count my blessing. More specifically, the blessing that I see everyday. The blessing that I have become numb to from time to time. The blessing that continually grows in love for me. Today I can honestly say Lindsey is my best friend. She has helped me grow greatly as a person by being understanding to my downfalls. Through scary times, Lindsey is the one who rubs my back and tells me all will be ok.
I don’t know who or where I would be today without her. Sure we have struggles and sure things are hard sometimes. But is anything worthwhile easy? I doubt it. When things get hard it’s a reminder for me. I reminder to get up, work and try harder because her happiness is worth it, our life together is worth it, our future is worth it, our family is worth it. Because she is worth it.
Happy Valentine’s Day Linds, thanks for being everything you are, all the time.
It’s funny how things play out. When Lindsey and I first found out she was pregnant with Liam I had really mixed emotions. Sure I was happy and extremely grateful. But speaking honestly, I was scared and felt supremely unprepared. In my mind who wouldn’t be? How can anyone honestly say they are completely at ease with realizing they will be inevitably responsible for a human being? I just felt a mixed bag of emotions for 9 months. And honestly I didn’t understand how nobody else felt this way.
When Liam finally came I was blown away. The mixed emotions suddenly vanished and I felt completely at ease. In a way that I couldn’t have imagined he accepted me as his father. Sure, he didn’t have a choice you could say. But honestly, I found and still find that inspiring. When he started to talk, he called me “dad”. He wasn’t ashamed to. He loved me regardless of my faults. Oblivious or not, he loved me for me. As he grew older, he entrusted in me to play catch with him. To teach him how to shoot a basketball. He wasn’t watching closely if I was teaching right. Liam just smiled and took my word for it. Thats a big deal to me and I appreciate him for it.
Say what you will about me. An unsure, too aware, too sensitive person who thinks way too much for his own good. Liam doesn’t say anything like that about me. He calls me his “hero.” He’s proud to call me his “daddy.” He looks forward to seeing me when I feel I cant bring anything to the table, which is always. The truth is Liam brings out the best in me whether I can identify it or not. He enables me to be a good dad because on my own I am unequipped. His observations of me are not my obligations, they just exist and succeed in Liam’s head. I don’t have to work at being anything to Liam, I just am. That’s good enough for him and fortunate for me.
I am blessed to say Lindsey is pregnant again. I don’t deserve such a privilege twice in my life. Things are different this time for me. I know what to expect. I know the challenges, I fully understand what the potential of what the future may hold. In many ways Lindsey’s pregnancy proves to be a great reminder to not be so full of myself. To once again realize that life isn’t about me. I now have 3 people in my life who’s lives I will earnestly attempt put before mine.
I have been thinking a lot about how I want #2 to be different. And I don’t know the right answers. But I know 2 things for sure. This time around I want to be a better husband for Lindsey in her pregnancy. I want her to know that when she is feeling weak i’m going to be there to pick up the pieces. I want her to know that this time I will be there mentally as well as physically. I never want a day to go by where she isn’t praised for A. being a great mom and B. for being an even better wife. She deserves someone better than me and i’ll try and be that person throughout her pregnancy,
Secondly, I want our new child to know more than ever that he/she will be loved not by a model parent who does everything right and crosses his T’s and dots his I’s. Not by a perfect parent who will have expectations and self realized goals for his child to meet before they arrive at k-3. No, thats just not me. I want my future child to know he/she will be raised by a non-perfect, loving parent who although he will make many, many, many mistakes. He will always get up, dust himself off and try again.
I don’t claim to be many things. But I am proud to proclaim I try my very best to by my very best for the people I love in my life. I make a conscious effort to improve daily. I’ve never said I am succeeding and certainly will never “arrive.” But baby #2 I just wanted to tell you, no matter how you look or what your like. No matter how many fingers you have or how smart you turn out, if I achieve nothing else as a parent I pray you will learn one thing from me. The quest of being perfect is wrong and unobtainable. Being honest and humble is of utmost important. Realizing all you can do is your personal best (no matter how that is gauged) and put the rest in God’s hand.
Our relationship is brand new. A clean slate you can say. I hope when the colors start to emerge on this blank piece of paper, they create something beautiful. I hope you realize later in life that my failures will be unachieved, honest attempts. I hope you realize that no matter what anyone calls you or says to you, the only thing that matters is you finding your happiness. I found mine. My family. I cant provide for them like I wish or would have predicted earlier in my life and certainly have proven to not have the mental strength they deserve or need. But I try my best. And that’s all you can do.
Baby #2, No matter how God chooses to craft you, I already love you the way you are. Because my expectations don’t matter . Not now, not ever. I will try my very best to be the very best me I can be for you.
I don’t care if your a boy or a girl, I don’t care if you are athletic or smart. I will never care if you are popular or not. I do supremely care that you know I love you no matter how God chooses to make you.
I cant wait to meet you.
5 years went by fast. We have both grown into better people than we were 5 years ago. Better for each other. But most importantly, we have grown together. We we’re there for the ups and even stronger for the downs. You impress me daily and consistently, you make me feel out matched and unfulfilling in comparison to the love you show me.
I know wherever this life takes us, we have each other’s back. There isn’t a day goes by that I thank God for a wonderful wife and a compassionate mother to our son. Our life isn’t always flashy and most of the time, constrained by finances and time. But it’s “ours.” And together we make the best of it.
Here’s to another 5 years of growing together. I couldn’t think of anyone else I would want to spend it with.
Love you
*ddileo 