Life, Movies

Chapter 3 Preview

In 2006, I began writing a movie script titled “The Fiction of Werther Oaks.” I would have never known that those words would induce so much pain and pleasure in my life. Below is an excerpt from an early chapter in my book I am working on. In my opinion, if the book’s aim is true, it will prove to be a memoir of sorts. But also, a deep and honest personal look into not only a first time filmmaker, but anyone aspiring to do something for the first time and the emotional and psychological battles that come with the territory. Thank you guys for taking the time to read and any feedback at all would be greatly, greatly, greatly appreciated. Thanks so much.

Chapter 3: The Offer, The Decision & The Non-Believers

           Oddly enough, completion of the script was really the beginning of the work for me, I just didn’t know it at the time. The script just flowed out. Easy, like a hot knife through butter. Ideas surged and things became clearer and clearer as the story drew near an end, a very rare thing for me. When writing was over, I called my “agent.” I put that in quotations because she wasn’t really my agent. She was an agent of a client of mine. (I was a barber by day) By chance, she took a look at my earlier work and considered it deem-able to sell to low end studios. She did that twice for me. Selling my scripts, although she hardly ever picked the up the phone to talk with me, or for that matter never called me back. Anyhow, I sent her a copy of this new script. She called back immediately.

“Danny, You have a winner.” I’ll never forget those words. That’s the first time she got my name right. The winner part didn’t surprise me. I knew the script was special. I had my high school english teachers in amazement over the story. That was a clear sign, although many said I was capable of great things through my writing, as a whole they never were very positive towards me. So again, I knew this thing was good, the question was simple: was my agent going to see it? She called me Danny, thats all I needed to hear.

She talked at length about how original and fresh the story was. I realized quickly I was in a position that was foreign to me. A.) No one in the profession has ever been that impressed by my work. B.) I didn’t know what to believe and what not to believe. Until she uttered the phrase “shopping the script.” I knew that phrase. I knew it very well. I heard it on “Behind the Scenes” features on DVD’s that I loved and admired. It was all a crazy whirlwind of a phone call. Then she said in a stern voice “where are you?” I stammered: “at home.” She quickly replied with “Well get in your car and come here now.” She didn’t work far away, New York City was only an hour or so (no traffic) from my house . Not that it really mattered. She could have told me to get scuba gear and meet her in the arctic. I would have grabbed my snorkelers.

After days of seemingly driving back and forth from CT to Manhattan, it was clear she was seeing dollar signs. Now I want to be precisely clear on this. Not millions of dollars, after all who was I? Some barber who never sold anything of magnitude before. But still, in her mind it was an amount that she validated worthy by telling me, this will change your life. I was ready. Or at least I thought.

Since the script had a twist ending, it was her idea (and a great one) that we would send my script out to production companies not including the ending. I was a terrified, new kid at school, she was a confident, strong figure. She taught me selling a script had an art to it. “You are selling a story” She said, “you selling your story.” In the end, although very nervous regarding her tactics, I trusted her.

She sent the scripts (without the ending) on a late Friday afternoon. Her thought was to let people read on Saturday and have to wait a full day without talking to us. Letting them wonder about the ending a whole day. Man, looking back I was nervous. Monday came, and so did phone calls, many of them. We were getting people who wanted to meet us and people who just wanted to buy the script. It was absolutely insane. If you are not a writer, it’s hard to truly understand how completely gratifying it is for people to go from laughing at you and your work to literally throwing money at you in the blink of an eye. It was a surreal bunch of conference calls.

To my agent’s credit, she had the boldness to set a price. Another aspect I was extremely nervous about. She told me if we didn’t choose to take that route, people would see my inexperience in the industry and lowball the heck out of my script. When we discussed price I immediately thought about how much work and time I put in. I went and slept on the decision. The next day I came up with a number. I said $25,000 for the script, not a penny less. I was firm. She nodded and then agreed that was a good starting point for us to talk about. I asked curiously “for us to talk about?” She laughed. I gulped and wondered what was so entertaining. She said firmly that the price tag was going to be in the neighborhood of $120,000. I gulped more and my stomach started doing this washing machine thing, where it turns uncontrollably. I stuttered and barley got out the “ok.”

The high price tag scared some companies, but to my surprise and delight, the major players will still very much involved. We had 3 offers from 3 very major studios. She was able to get them all in the 6 figure range. That was it. She had done her job. They were all comfortable where they were at, so was she. But something started happening to me. I started to feel alone. I started to feel like I was giving my baby to parents wouldn’t be raising it in my preferred style. And when talks of “modifying” and “changing” elements of the script started to be thrown around, I got very uncomfortable.

Within the meetings, the final 3 studios all talked at length of how “small details would need to be modified.” I was sort of blinded by all this newness going on that I didn’t quite calculate what was being said. Until the contracts started coming in. I read them, handed them off to trusted people and the conclusion was in. Things would most certainly be changed. Dialogue, scenes and even one full character would be deleted! My feet were beginning to feel the ground again and my thoughts were running crazy. I was scared of losing control.

My agent assured me this was normal. She assured me this was “how things worked.” But to me it just didn’t feel right. Slowly but surely I started to doubt. I am very, very good at second guessing and looking back with a clear head, this did not work in my favor. I became so obsessive of the script staying true, that at one point my agent told me I was paranoid. Again, looking back I would tend to agree with her, but back then, all that did was turn her into one of them. I would ultimately tag them: “Non-believers.”

I told her that I needed a week to think about things. She said that wouldn’t look good to the studios. In reality, I was nervous about losing them, but I was more uncomfortable being rushed into something I wasn’t sure about (a trait I still live with). She and they granted me the week of reflection, but it was clear on her face (and voicemails she left) she knew the deal was slipping. She warned me not to make hasty decisions and think about my future. I told her thank you for the advice.

I remember that week really well. I made sure nothing distracted me. I went to visit the locations that were most personal to me and just thought about everything. When you grow up with divorced parents you feel a need to find calm and enjoyable activities by yourself. Or at least I did. No one can ruin those, there yours and there controllably safe. One of my favorites was hiking. I did lots of that during the week of reflection. I really thought to myself; what was most important to me? As the week went on, it was becoming clearer and clearer. I was about to make many enemies, very fast. Believers were going to become non believers in a blink of an eye. And my life was going to change, just not the way I originally thought. I knew in my head the right move for me. But I got infiltrated with people around me and their opinions. Towards the end of the week though, I started to get nervous again and scared of losing this opportunity. So I bargained in my head and the night before the meeting, I produced a deal that I thought was one of these “everyone wins” deals. I was wrong.

I was most certainly going to sell the script. I was even going to reduce the cost, with the only attachment that the story had to stay true. To me that was more than bargaining with them and in my head, they were getting a great product for an even better price (you could see I was a little warped) Even I could see it at this point looking back. But I figured if they really wanted the script, they would jump. After all, it was so refreshing and original.

My agent was livid. She told me this was an amateur move and unheard of on this level. She said she had spent weeks bringing this to a deal for me and I sabotaged her in the fourth quarter. I mean she was mad, real mad. I was messing with her money. Rightfully so, I guess. Her assistant came in and handed her a glass of water. She took a sip, then a deep sigh, then sat down staring at her desk. She then calmly said, “OK Danny, I’ll work with this.” I could see on her face she knew she was out of options and her last resort to get some money out of this was to play ball with the person who held the ball, or seemingly so.

She made the calls and left them all on speaker phone purposely. She knew what was going to happen and she wanted me to hear it first hand. She wanted me to hear rational people in the industry (besides herself) and make a rational decision. Needless to say, none of the studios played ball with my offer. They wouldn’t change their minds that the script needed revisions to make it successful for the masses.

The truth is, I already made up my mind before those calls. I wasn’t going to adjust my stance. So when she reluctantly told them we would need time to talk things over after the phone call. I knew I was about to take a huge chance she wouldn’t agree with.

She hung up the phone and just looked me at almost sympathetically. She already knew what I was going to say. For the first time she sat down in the chair next to me, not behind her desk. What she was about to say was the beginning for me. In so many words, it went something like this: “This isn’t a decision about a movie script Danny.” She said. “This is a decision about life, about the person you are. Sure they are going to change things in the story, its what they do. But nothing changes the fact that you made a great story. Take this money and build from it, write a couple more, call me and we’ll figure it out. Don’t lose this opportunity.” She was almost pleading with me. My mind was absent. As a 30 year old now, I look back at that and everything she said was right. But I wasn’t trying to be “right.” At such a young age, Without even knowing it, I was trying to define myself, what pressure for a 21 year old. I wanted to be a guy who didn’t settle. Who stood for something and would go to war for it. I left the office with an emotion I still can’t translate into words. I didn’t even tell her bye. She was a non-believer that this point.

In my mind, I just couldn’t do it. At the end of the day, I put my heart and soul into this script. Sure the money would have been great. Life changing really and if I had a family at the time, all my humming and hawing goes out the window. I take the money and progress. But I didn’t have a family to support. I was 21. And at the time, I realized something very special. I had in my hands, a product that professionals wanted. I had something of importance. Something I created. See, no one can take that from you. Unless of course you let them, which is something I just couldn’t do.

I didn’t know much, only that I wanted this story to be told and told to many people. I didn’t know how to film a movie. But the thought of this film never being made overcome the fear of making it myself. I had to. It was a calling so clear and I was ready to embark on this unknown world of filmmaking.

Truly Independent filmmaking.

Movies

Rethinking Lady in the Water

In light of M. Night Shyamalan‘s new film, The Visit being released soon.  I thought it would be right of me to share with the world (or a few faithful readers) one of the best movie analysis i’ve ever had the privilege of reading, The following was written thoughtfully and thoroughly by my cousin, Mike. All credit should be directed his way! This is a fantastic read and really gets at what Night’s “Lady” may have been scratching the surface of, enjoy:

Shyamalan warned his audience to keep an open mind while watching this movie. He released a “children’s book” to help establish the fantasy before the movie came out. But the complexities of its meaning are hidden behind its “fairy tale” facade. And like all fairy tales, the depth of this masterpiece extends well beyond the simplicity at its surface. If you have the interest, the endurance, AND YOU HAVE ALREADY SEEN THIS FILM, please read on.

This is a story of one man’s struggle to regain his faith and sense of purpose by overcoming emotional detachment and repression in the aftermath of an unfathomable tragedy.First, consider the name of the apartment complex – “The Cove”. A cove is a harbor along a body of running water, a sheltered inlet, like a driveway on a busy street. It is a place of seclusion, perhaps even a place to hide. The complex itself is U-shaped, and has a pool at its center. We can imagine that beyond the pool is the reality of the outside world, the “mainstream” of life. It is unknown, and something to be feared. Night has never made a movie that is so contained, so confined to a single location. The story takes place entirely within the Cove.Now imagine that the Cove is not a physical location at all, but a world that exists only in one man’s mind; and it is completely dependent upon and manipulated by his own psyche. People have commented on how the film’s location lacks detail, that it is too simple, nondescript, childish, and unrealistic.

This is not a flaw – this is by design. Cleveland Heep is its superintendent – its caretaker – its “healer”. And if the Cove is a product of one man’s imagination, then its tenants must be as well. Cleveland has a casual familiarity with all of them. And they depend solely upon him for the mundane daily maintenance of their home – we never see his boss or any other employees. Moreover, the name “Heep” itself might reflect not only the great burden he carries, but also the great number of different “tenants” that comprise his psyche. *It is interesting to note that the British use the word “cove” as slang to mean “fellow” or “man”. Similarly, the word “Cleveland” has its roots in Old English, meaning “cliff land”, and the Clevelands were known as people from the cliffs. It is perhaps an allusion to both Cleveland’s isolation and an image of instability, danger, and urgency – “bearing a great burden, teetering on the edge of a cliff”.

In this sense, “The Lady in the Water” is arguably the most unique, imaginative, and ambitious tale of inner conflict and perseverance ever filmed. The struggle takes place within the secluded confines of an apartment complex, the tenants of which are, in this metaphorical sense, the separate, unique aspects of one man’s damaged psyche. And each of them has a singular purpose in this fairy tale of faith, hope, and self-awakening. It is “a bedtime story”, one of a particular type that we tell each other and ourselves before we sleep. These stories give us hope, comfort, and peace. We call them prayers.

The Cove is a close-knit community, and its tenants all seem to have lived there for some time. In fact, only two characters arrive during the movie’s timeline – Story, the mythical narf, and Harry Farber, the movie critic (presumably named after legendary film critic, Manny Farber). And it is no coincidence that they show up at the same time – they are the dueling personifications of Cleveland’s consuming inner conflict.

Story represents Cleveland’s fractured and fragile faith in himself, in mankind, and in God. She is the hope for, and promise of, the belief in the unknown. Farber, by contrast, is the skeptic in Cleveland. His character is not simply a dig at Night’s movie critics. He is the oppressive influence which closes Cleveland’s mind and forces him to see within “the rules”, to accept that there is no originality left in the world, and nothing left to hope for. He defines the rules of Cleveland’s perception. Farber’s simultaneous arrival represents the saboteur in Cleveland’s mind. He is the embodiment of Cleveland’s debilitating doubt, generated to counter the arrival of Story – his savior, the inspiration for his burgeoning faith and redemption of purpose, presumably sent by God. While Story is the image of childlike purity and endless possibility, Farber is the closed, tamed mind of the adult, limited in imagination, and numbed by the sicknesses of society. These are the main figures in the conflict between doubt-skepticism and hope-faith. Note that Farber “must be very good” at his job in order to have been sent to this place from so far away. He is an appropriate counterpart to Story, who turns out to be of the highest and presumably most powerful status of her kind – a “Madam Narf”. He is no ordinary critic, she is no ordinary narf. And it is fitting, as both Cleveland’s tragedy and his purpose are extraordinary.

The Cove’s pool is a metaphor for a man’s heart, once again incorporating Night’s connection of purity and innocence with water. Cleveland initially senses Story’s presence in flashes – fleeting glimpses and the occasional sounds of splashing from the pool at night. Perhaps he has just enough faith left to recognize it when it is revealed. And he finds it in the pool, as one might find faith in the heart. She arrives naked, not only a reflection of the vulnerability of the fragile faith she represents, but a vision of the freedom and innocence that accompanies the purity of childlike inhibition. Far from able to embrace his faith, Cleveland is discomforted by her nakedness and gives her a shirt. His journal reveals to her the deep sorrow that presumably has led him to this place, and kept him lost from a life of fulfillment as a medical doctor. She reminds him that everyone has a purpose (a profound statement in the context of this story and its location). But watching Cleveland plead with Story to keep his secret from the tenants of the Cove, we witness the active repression of his pain and his debilitating inability to cope with the loss of his family. He cannot allow the separate aspects of his personality (the tenants) to experience the tragedy. Moreover, his crippling stutter (absent in her presence) is symptomatic of what appears to be Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Unable to experience the inspiration, the “awakening” of her presence, he decides to help her complete her task and protect her from the “scrunt” sent to kill her.

Cleveland is guided throughout by the character of Young-Soon, whose mother knows the ancient story behind this narf. Young-Soon is the child aspect of Cleveland’s mind that is willing to believe in fairy tales. Consider that as she translates the story to Cleveland from her mother, the two characters hear the story together for the first time. At one point, she even expresses a hope that the story is true. Her immaturity, her recurring childish exit line “bye, Mr. Heep”, and even her name suggest that she is a child (despite her noteworthy height), and thus more amenable to the tales of magic and fantasy that are normally dismissed by adults. Her mother is uncomfortable translating the story in its entirety until Cleveland presents himself to her as a child. But if she is part of the Cove, then so must be the story itself – perhaps heard long ago and buried in the subconscious, perhaps a complete fabrication, or possibly parts of both. It’s not surprising if you can accept that the Cove exists in the mind of a writer. Mrs. Choi is the elderly Korean woman from within the Cove (or invented by it) who becomes the source of this fairy tale. The adult psyche finds it easier to impede the conveyance of the unbelievable story by creating it in a foreign language and from the representation of a respected but unfamiliar source – the perception of a wise and holistic people unbound by Western convention.

The “scrunt” is the manifestation of the ills and evils of society, and the horrors of which man is capable, within Cleveland’s psyche. It is a monstrous form of the fear and anxiety that has denied Cleveland his ability to right his life since his crisis. It preys upon Story. It comes from outside the Cove, from the unknown reality beyond the pool, and it only fears the Tartutic. The Tartutic are the “justice” for which Cleveland cries out when the scrunt attacks Story on the night she should be allowed to leave freely. They might more accurately be thought of as “fate”, or as that which protects the course of predestination. They are the “should”.

The one man who can control the scrunt is the “Guardian”. Cleveland’s search for the guardian is the search for that part of himself that is able to face his fear, to “look it in the eye”. When he misidentifies this figure as himself and confronts the scrunt, it attacks him. But only the two new arrivals, Story and Farber, appear vulnerable to physical harm by the scrunt. It’s danger to Cleveland’s own character is not actual “death”, but the threat of the reinforcement of his fear and, consequently, his psychological dysfunction. Consider that when Cleveland is about to be attacked by the scrunt, he suddenly awakens (physically unharmed) with Farber standing above him, expressing his displeasure with some movie he has just seen, and arguing against the symbolic purity of water. Also consider that he is standing between Cleveland and the pool at the time, actualizing a metaphor of a man being denied the purity of his heart by his own skepticism and doubt. Cleveland actually credits Farber for having saved him from the scrunt. But Farber was not the savior – he was the trauma, the damage itself – the stifling of Cleveland’s belief, and the reinforcement of his doubt and inability to face his fear once again. It is a powerful crystallization of how Cleveland’s mind works against him.

Vick Ran (Shyamalan, himself), is “the writer inspired by the Story”. His first words to Cleveland – “The light over my desk is still broken.” You can’t write without light, and it’s something Cleveland has been putting off. But a light is not a difficult fix, and Vick does not seem to be in a rush to finish his book. Cleveland sees the book by chance while repairing the light, and initially dismisses its content after observing its title, “The Cookbook”. But he is soon reminded to never judge a book by its cover (how very appropriate).

Vick’s character is at least as important as Cleveland’s. The prediction of his future describes how his book will have a profound philosophical influence on the world, and how this socio-ideological impact would result in his own death. Vick draws an indirect comparison to Martin Luther King within the story itself; and we are reminded of other figures such as Christ, and of other doctrines, or “cookbooks”, such as the Bible. Vick represents the “purpose” that Story assures Cleveland he has not lost. He is the part of Cleveland’s psyche that is capable of accomplishing great things. Such endeavors, however, expose the psyche to harsh and potentially stifling criticism – the “murder” of the creative mind – something of which Night himself has faced, and continues to face, far too much.

Whether writing “The Cookbook” is the literal greatness, or purpose, of which Cleveland is capable, and whether the death of Vick Ran is the literal death of Cleveland Heep, is for the viewer to determine. But it is a reasonable conclusion, if you extend Cleveland’s role as the “healer” to meaning the “healer of mankind”. In this scenario, perhaps the pain of the tragedy he experienced would be the catalyst and inspiration for this doctor to attempt to change the world by writing a book. Conversely, it is conceivable that Vick Ran – the “writer”, the “purpose” – is the true subject of this story. He is the “vessel” of Story’s inspiration, and the only part of himself that Cleveland can correctly identify before being influenced by the skeptical, closed-minded Farber. He shares Cleveland’s sad and quiet demeanor, his self-effacement – “I’m nothing special”. He is single (as are just about all of the main players as far as we are aware), but cannot easily care for himself, to cook or clean, and relies on his sister in this domestic capacity. Of course, he would be unaware that he has ever had a wife or children, as would all but two of the other tenants in the Cove, since that information has been repressed, hidden within Cleveland’s “journal”. Cleveland Heep, the “healer”, may not actually be the man behind the psyche represented by the Cove, but only that part of the whole that is responsible for its healing. In this case, Cleveland’s task is to heal himself, Vick Ran – the healer of mankind. Therefore, Cleveland’s inability to satisfy this obligation until he, himself – “the healer”, is healed is the true meaning behind this story.

In his search for the remaining cast that is necessary for Story to return to the “Blue World” Cleveland seeks the advice of Farber, the man he erroneously identifies as “the person whose opinion he respects”. This path ultimately culminates in a party (a celebration of Farber’s arrival, no doubt!). And it is during what is, in essence, this celebration of skepticism and closed-mindedness that Story (Cleveland’s faith) is dragged off and nearly killed. The series of misidentifications illustrates not only Cleveland’s detachment – his inability to know himself, but also the destructive process of another symptom of Cleveland’s disturbed psyche – self-sabotage. So it is no coincidence that Cleveland cannot complete this task and accept that he is the “healer” (of Story, his faith) until Farber (his skepticism) is killed by the scrunt.

“The Guardian” turns out to be Reggie, who wears the dog tags of a soldier. He is a normal man that is not consumed with, but only partially occupied by, a need for physical strength. After all, Reggie’s true power is ultimately not physical. Reggie is a representation of both Cleveland’s strength and lack of strength. His intentionally one-sided muscular development not only suggests Cleveland’s inability to utilize (or even identify) his inner strength, but also indicates a systematic, “scientific” maintenance of an emotional imbalance and instability.

“The Interpreter” is originally thought to be Mr. Dury because of his proficiency with crossword puzzles. In actuality, the interpreter is his son, Joey. The selection emphasizes the ability of children to see things with a clarity and simplicity that becomes lost for adults as they become limited by social paradigms and restrictions. In fact, Mr. Dury at one point admits that his ability with puzzles and symbolism is limited to his crosswords. The loss of this childhood ability is poignantly illustrated by this father-son disparity – it is Mr. Dury that realizes that his son (presumably the child version of himself – “I’m gonna be just like my dad”) is the real interpreter. The idea denotes the endurance of important childlike notions in Cleveland’s psyche. It also refers to a psychological healing process that addresses the significance of childhood perceptions, and the subsequent development of emotions and coping strategies during childhood.

“Someone whose opinion Cleveland values” turns out to be the shut-in, Mr. Leeds. He is the only tenant who knows of Cleveland’s tragedy (the only other part of his psyche from which it has not been completely repressed). Mr. Leeds “has been here forever”. He sits in a dark room, surrounded by books, staring at images of war on television. His role is somewhat paternal – he refers to Cleveland as “son” (“don’t become what I have”), and encourages him to “not give up”. He somehow sees everything that’s going on around him in the Cove. He is Cleveland’s conscience, his conviction – what some would consider to be functions of “the Soul”. He is the inner voice, the moral compass that guides him. Even his name is significant. But he is the part of the Cove that has been most affected by the sins of mankind and the toxicity of society – “I wanted to believe more than anyone”. In what is essentially inner dialogue, he questions aloud whether man should be saved – and Cleveland answers that he should be. In this moment, Cleveland expresses a desire to live – to be healed, and to rebuild the trust to reattach himself with society.

The “someone with no secrets” is Mr. Bubchik, the man who is unaware that his wife reveals his secrets. He represents the undeniable reality of Cleveland’s weakness, his shortcomings, and his mortality. This candidness promotes a sense of honesty and comfort, a willingness to accept oneself despite one’s flaws. Mr. Bubchik represents that which Cleveland has no choice but to accept. And he provides Cleveland the opportunity to relieve himself of the guilt that has accompanied the burden of his secret. He cannot forgive himself for that over which he had no control – the inability to save his family – unless he is able to openly share it with himself.

“The Guild” consists of seven women, a group formed to protect a common interest. The number seven is prominent in religion and mythology – “The Seven Divine Women” (in Khasi mythology), “The Seven Sleeping Men” (in Christian mythology), “The Seven Mothers” (in Hindu mythology), “The Seven Virtues”, “The Seven Sacraments”, and so forth. And a group of women is a representation of Cleveland’s burgeoning sense of self worth – the empowerment of that which is generally perceived to be weak and undervalued (this is particularly true in many traditional Hispanic cultures which are known to be excessively misogynistic). The first scene of the movie (a clever foreshadowing) shows Cleveland trying to kill a “big, hairy” bug under the sink of a Hispanic family’s apartment. In the background, we see the family’s daughters brandishing makeshift weapons and squealing in fear of the bug. They make up five of the Guild’s sisters. The others include Anna Ran, Vick’s sister (who acts more as a wife or mother to him at times), and Young-Soon, who makes an early reference to her sister who married a dentist, and who is invaluable in guiding Cleveland along his journey of self-awakening. The Guild assists Cleveland through their “laying on of hands” in the climactic scene involving Story’s healing and his own catharsis. The image illustrates Cleveland’s need for emotional attachment (more typically associated with women and prohibited for men in Western culture) in order to connect with what he has repressed. Conversely, these women who provide emotional aid in this scene are armed and readily patrolling the pool’s perimeter in the next. It’s a testament to the power of women to both heal and protect.

The group gathers together to “bring strength to the moment” of Story’s (and Cleveland’s) healing and liberation. It is only then that he is able to reach catharsis. He reveals his tragedy to all aspects of himself, and releases the repressed pain and guilt that have kept him isolated in the Cove. It is at this moment that he is able to heal and embrace his hope and faith once again, leaving it safe and appropriate for the angelic Story to return to the Blue World on the wings of the Great Eatlon. Presumably, God’s angel has fulfilled her task to save a man – indeed, all of mankind (she is the Madam Narf) – and returned to heaven.

Shyamalan has called this his most personal film – an especially significant statement, considering how personal all of his stories have been. In fact, he has referred to them as his “children”. Criticism of “The Village” stripped him of his credibility for his prior three great and well-received productions. So he cast himself as the writer whose inspiration by the Story helps him escape his doubt and heal his faith. Is “The Lady in the Water”, then, the “story” of his healing? Or is it the story that healed him? Or is it both?This man is portrayed by many as an egomaniac. Yet he has done perhaps the most humble thing imaginable – he’s created a story of amazing depth and value, but he has left it for the viewer to tie together. In this sense, he has created an incredible scenario in which the story is actually critical of the viewer. He writes stories that he would appreciate, and that a select group of the audience (however small) will appreciate. And he allows himself to be bashed for its simplicity and banality by those who can’t appreciate his effort, content that this inability is criticism enough of his critics. Think of this scenario in the context of this movie! It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen in entertainment, and I only hope I’ve done it some justice.

Life, Movies

The Fiction, finally.

Many people know I made a film. 2008 to be exact. I haven’t talked much about it on here because honestly, I have mixed feelings. It was the most exhausting yet exhilarating time in my life. When I decided to finally write about my experiences it was clear, this wasn’t going to fit in a blog post. Since, I have been actually writing a book documenting my journey of making my first film (best my memory serves me.)

So finally next week I am going to post a snippet of the book. It’s far from finished (50% maybe) but many have been asking and I really want to get some feedback.

Thanks everyone for being patient!

Links

Letter to my younger self

Awesome stuff written by tennis great, Pete Sampras:

Talk about it. I know, you’re introverted and reserved. But this one’s too big for you to take on alone. If you don’t talk about it, it’ll build up inside and come boiling over in one big rush of emotion during the quarterfinals against Jim Courier, and you’ll break down and cry right there on the court.

Technology

Today, Apple reinvents the phone

I understand technology is not for everyone. It hinders and enables. In many ways, a double edged sword. I respect everyone’s own opinion on the subject. But whether your opinion is positive or negative, 8 years ago today (6/29/2007) something revolutionary happened. From time to time I’ll take a moment and rewatch the keynote, just to see the pure excitement on Job’s face during this. It hasn’t happened since. Not while Jobs was alive and not at Apple.

iPhone was announced and Steve Jobs solidified Apple’s dominance up until today. Who knows what the future holds, but no one can deny the impact that day had, 8 years ago today.

Movies

Inside Jaws

If your a fan of cinema in any capacity, you will love this. Basically it plays back the entire length of Jaws with the most in-depth commentary I have ever personally experienced including Steven Spielberg, Roy Scheider, Richard Dreyfess and Robert Shaw. Along with all sorts of interesting input from crew members and locals. It’s truly fantastic and plays like a righteous commentary to Jaws that seemingly we will never get. Enjoy!

Deep Thoughts, Life, Technology

Me & Apple Watch

At the beginning of all this, I confessed my history of Apple products and my pending “issue.” In the past I have had some problems with keeping devices for a variety of my own reasons, but mainly caused by my personal indecisiveness. To be sure this wouldn’t happen again, I documented and held myself accountable for the research that went into my decision to purchase an Apple Watch. Well, I said all that to say I returned my Apple Watch after the 14 day grace period. Largely in part of another project I am committed to that needed some expensive software from Apple and that situation very quickly became a need vs. want thing. Need being the software and want being an Apple Watch. Although I enjoyed my time with Apple Watch, there were some bumps in the road. All in all, Apple Watch and I didn’t sail into the sunset together, but made a few lasting memories that certainly weren’t all bad. Below is my ramblings of what the 14 day experience for ME was like.

This is I guess you can say, my review. But really the word “review” would be setting this up for failure. I’ve tried really hard to not be biased (because I am huge Apple fan) and give a fair account of my opinions on Apple Watch. It is important to keep in mind that all these words are indeed opinions. Meaning no one can have a “right” opinion or a “wrong” opinion. It is also equally important to note that I only used the Watch for 14 days. So in no way is this meant to be an in depth review or even really a valid one. Just one guy’s thoughts, that’s all.

THE PREORDER

I guess its fair to start with my situation since we last spoke. I was on the fence regarding Apple Watch. So, update time: I did indeed preorder a 42mm Space Grey Sport, but not at 3am like my usual practice. I actually showed some resilience and waited until I was dead set on the size. I’ve never worn a watch before and was completely unfamiliar with the sizing. I didn’t know what a 38mm or 42mm watch felt like. Once I went to the Apple store to try on the Watch, I settled on 42mm and was ready to preorder. The issue was, by this time (4 days after preordering started) the watch was pushed back till June. That didn’t matter to me. And the preorder was executed.

I received the watch on June 3. I was excited! There was so much possibility of fresh and new ways to interact with people. I reminisced of the iPhone’s release and how I could never have known the impact that device would inevitably have. I looked at the watch similarly which maybe was my first problem. I thought the watch could be a revolutionary thing that changed the way I personally communicated.

So the Watch arrived! I was psyched, like a kid on Christmas morning. I strapped it on. Immediately it felt odd. Not anything of Apple’s doing, but because the realization hit me that i’ve never worn a watch before. Funny, I was looking forward to the Watch, even convinced myself it had a place in my life, but I forgot it was indeed a watch. It was like being really excited for cheese and then when you eat it you realize you’ve never ate cheese before. Anyways….

HARDWARE

First things first, I don’t mind saying without hesitation this is bar none the best physical product Apple has ever made. I purchased the “cheap” model and it still was “take your breath away” stunning. Apple never ceases to amaze me. I can spend months staring at promotional pictures of a product and when I finally see it in person, it’s still amazing.

Jony Ive and team completely outdid themselves. I mean I can’t say enough on the quality of the device. My best friend has the stainless steel model and a fancier band, and they are well worth the steeper price point. The craftsmanship shown on the device is breathtaking. The digital crown moves as smoothly as you would imagine, with a slight bit of resistance but enough slide to achieve a luxurious feel.

Personally I loved the feel of my sport band. It was supple, yet strong. It fit like a good glove. The actual Watch I decided on was the Space Grey model. From the get-go I really clung to the look and I stayed with it. Even seeing all in person I ended up happy. Again, it was awesome. There is so much positive I can say with absolute zero negative comments, that I’ll just end on it’s a flawless design!

To me this is even more impressive considering hey, Apple has never made a Watch before! Or any wearable for that matter! They make screens and keyboards! Amazing they were able to nail and I mean nail this on their first try.

SOFTWARE

OK, here is where things get a little hairy (for me). So let me speak on the good first. The Watch faces are fantastic. Simply put, I loved, LOVED the watch faces and the “complications” (little widgets in the corners displaying info) Some days I would sit there and just play with the faces. They were polished, well done and purposeful. Bravo Apple!

The BEST, BEST, BEST feature of the watch in my opinion was the fitness tracking. I absolutely loved it. Apple really cares about Health and it shows in how much attention they put into fitness. I constantly was checking my 3 rings and was obsessing over filling all of them. The one feature I will miss the most no question. I really think the mark of something great, whether it be film or anything is learning or discovering something new about yourself. Apple’s take on fitness really made me more aware of my situation and was a delightful feature that made my experience really special.

So the bad, (again these are opinions) if you swipe up from the Watch face you will find “Glances.” These are supposed to be quick references you can flick through to get some fast, but needed info. The idea sounds great and reciprocates the philosophy of Apple Watch. But when I started to use them problems became very apparent. Besides the little dots on the bottom of the screen, you have no navigation whatsoever. It was odd. Glances were meant to be fast and efficient , but overtime I tried to use them I would lose my place and have to swipe around to find where I was at in my list. Also, they needed to be refreshed every time you accessed them.

I will give Apple a bunch of room for error here because I’m aware it’s a first gen product. But my sports app “glance” was stuck on the Mets game from 6 days ago and just wouldn’t update. I’m unsure if this is Apple’s issue or my App. Either way it made for a bad experience for me personally.

Lastly is the App grid. Press in the digital crown and you will be introduced to an array of tiny app circles that move impressively as a grid. This also turned into an overwhelmingly frustrating. I completely understand why Apple has included this, and why Apps will be a very big deal. But it just seems it was handled somewhat clumsy. I found myself actively trying to avoid going to the screen which i’ve never done on an Apple product before.

REAL LIFE USAGE

Like I said, I loved using the Watch faces. I found myself checking them all the time just to see what time it was, which was cool. I never wore a watch before so this could have been just the new effect of having time on my wrist but either way, I enjoyed it.

Also its important to note I am a firefighter 1 day out of 3 and I learned very quickly the Watch was a no go there. The job is just too physical and wearing it just one day produced a scratch on my screen. This wasn’t a deal breaker for me, but it bummed me out seeing those activity rings being blank 1 day out of 3!

Real life usage is where I had a love-hate relationship with the Watch. I can break these down into 2 simple groups:

LOVE = The way the Watch makes me aware of my surroundings.
HATE = The way the Watch enabled me to interact with people.

Lets talk about LOVE first :) There were some aspects of the Watch that really spoke to me. It sounds silly, but knowing the moon phase and current temp was super fulfilling to myself. I don’t know why but I loved being informed of my surroundings. And I admired how they updated. Apple Watch made me feel connected to the Earth in a way no other tech product has. I really enjoyed this, and will miss it severely.

OK now hate, I had high hopes for notifications. I thought the process of feeling a non invasive tap would be great. Would put my mind at ease knowing OK, when I have time I will check that. But, it never worked that way for me. Instead, just like I would check my phone when a notification came in, I would immediately lift my wrist when I felt something. To the point where I couldn’t control it and would display open rudeness to my loved ones and strangers alike. I do understand this could be a “me” problem and not a “watch” problem, but these were my experiences.

That was my biggest issue. I really felt like I was making people feel unimportant. I would check out of a conversation and try to do heavy tasking with a watch the minute I was tapped. Whether that be reply to a simple text message or try and expand some notification into an action. It felt morally wrong and more so, like complete overkill with a small device. The last thing I wanted this to do was give myself another screen to manage, and at the end of 14 days, instead of being an efficient person with more free time for loved ones, I was an overly rude conversationalist with too many devices.

Honestly, I got to the point where I even asked myself: “Do I wanna be a guy who needs to know every alert as fast as possible?” And for me, that answer is no. I have a good system on my iPhone where my phone is always on silent besides phone calls. Meaning, my phone works for me, I’m not a slave to its noises. I understand everyone’s needs are different, so the idea of getting up to the second alerts on wrists may be amazingly enticing for some, for me it turned exhausting.

CONCLUSION (yes, there is one)

Looking back I should have stuck to my mind’s first thought when the keynote took place. I was puzzled. Personally I thought the Watch did too many things and it was a “confused” product. I never really got a clear message of what the watch wanted to be. Over the months of researching and podcast listening it seemed either I forgot about that or I just was really hoping I would find a use for it. After using the Watch for 14 days, I must admit I am still a tiny bit confused. But I also want to be clear, I’m sure there are thousands of people for which the Watch is great and fits perfectly into their lives. For me it was just more of jamming a puzzle piece in the wrong spot. I’m still unsure as to who’s fault that was, me or Apple Watch.

I am more than willing to admit 14 days is way too short of a timespan to make a valid opinion on any device. But like I said, this was my attempt. It’s not at all that Apple Watch is bad. It’s very, very far from that. And maybe theres a day in the future where Apple Watch and I reunite? I wouldn’t say no if history has taught me anything. I’m also extremely aware I am not great at change in general. So maybe the 14 day period was enough for me to roll Apple Watch into my life comfortably?

At some point I think we all have to realize that EVERY device is not for everyone all the time. The Watch and I clashed on many levels and were in perfect unison on many other levels. It was a tough decision to return it, but like I mentioned earlier, other factors played heavily and I had to make choice based on priorities. I feel I made that right one. I am at peace with my decision, Who knows what the future holds, but my present day status is the Apple Watch is a Phenomenal, 1st-gen device. Just not for me, just not right now.

Family, Life

The Graduate

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Well, today Lindsey is officially a College graduate! Remembering when I first met her, she told me of her attending the University of Georgia for 3 years and majoring in pharmacy. That alone showed drive and big brains. Over the years, one of the many things I’ve learned from Lindsey is drive is much more important than intelligence. She has plenty of both. But drive is what propelled her to today.

We married and she moved to CT. Anyone could tell though, within a few months she was pondering school again. How could she not? She spent so much time and energy doing it and then all of a sudden, it was gone. She is a finisher, so naturally the current state of her schooling was unsettling. She mentioned many times of not wanting to waste her parents money and following through on what she started. Great qualities and admirable traits for anyone to strive for.

I still remember the night Lindsey told me she was seriously looking into returning and finishing her degree. I set out to be as supportive as possible and I can recollect being excited for her but honestly, I had no idea how she was going to pull this off. She was a full-time caretaker for our two year old who was growing in energy by the second. And I worked insane amount of hours. She knew better than anyone this was going to be extremely difficult. But that didn’t stop her.

She dug her heels in and did the work. When she was tired, she did it. When she had to pull all nighters with a baby, she did it. Lindsey wanted the degree so bad, nothing got in the way. She showed an amazing amount of loyalty and resilience to the cause. Characteristics of a hero in an epic film. Sure, there were times where she doubted and times that were tough. But anything worth doing is never easy.

Personally, I couldn’t be more proud of her. She is an amazing “graduate” and even better mom and wife.

Here’s to Lindsey, someone who persevered through the exhausting times, mentally and physically. The times when online teachers were difficult to read. The times when your project partners took advantage of you and you were left with all the work. The times of configuring Microsoft Word at 2am just to enable a stupid feature your project needed.

Congratulations Linds,it was all worth it and no one can take away what your hard work and resiliency has brought you.

Love you

Family, Life

Transparency

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
― Oscar Wilde

When I was young and people used the word “strong” I would always think of armor, or something that had a lot of strength. Something that was solid, tough or even powerful, maybe. But as time has passed and experiences have taught me, that thought has actually proven to be false. Now, when I think of the word “strong” I picture a human who’s open and vulnerable, completely transparent and unapologetically honest. It’s odd how life and experiences change us. If we’re not open and true to ourselves we will inevitably chase our own tail in the dark with a forever dizziness. I headache that I can assure you is not pleasant.

I have long thought about the subject of the “real you.” Personally, I was confronted with the notion of not being true and honest with myself (and others) a couple years ago. I only got to that place because I knew I was horribly wrong in something I was doing. It’s a personal issue and I’m not quite ready to talk about that publicly yet. But I am most certainly ready to talk about what I learned/learning from it.

First and foremost, how does one know or come to the realization that you’re living a life of inauthenticity and what does that even mean? Well, honestly I can only speak for myself and my experiences. Looking back, the process started really slow. Actually in my case I wasn’t aware the process even began. I slowly morphed into someone i’m not. It’s frightening to think we could become something so distant from who we are without acknowledging its in progress.

I always wanted to please people and for the most part still do. But, when I was younger I would go unto great, great lengths to do this. I would stretch myself thin, I would go way above and beyond for anyone. To a stranger or someone judging from the outside, I assume that sounds fine. I’m sure it sounds like I was a nice person. But just like any other internal issue, when you just let something go and go, it spirals and spirals to the point of beyond recognition. That’s what I was turning into: beyond recognition.

Another element working against me was my parents were divorced. And by any means, if you are reading this and have divorced parents, in no way is that a death sentence, quite the opposite actually. But for me, it was not trivial. I learned to play the system. To play both sides. To again, agree with everyone. I learned to deceive, plot and scheme. But all of this was happening under the surface, you see. I didn’t have a daily planner of deception. But by the end of a period of time, I made a collection of bad habits.

The last thing that I think really hurt myself was making good amounts of money from age 16 – 22. It was legal. Most people by any accounts would say I was very successful and had a bright future (financially). Money is an interesting thing. Being young with so much of it made me turn my head to things. It made me not come face to face with bigger personal issues that were pending. I had the luxurious option to just throw money at issues to make them “go away.” And if I didn’t do that, I would just self define myself as someone better than others because of my financial status, furthering my deception of the real me. I’m not saying money is bad, but letting it define you certainly is unhealthy. I was burying myself with a shovel full of lies, images and things.

Nearly all of the resulting products of living a false life is lying. Or at least in my case it was. Wanting to please people really weighed much on my mind. A really easy way to do this was just lie. Tell people what they wanted to hear. It was simple, it didn’t hurt me (seemingly) and all was happy.

The problem that I started to encounter was not only was that turning me into a different person of no defined values, more importantly it made me think I wasn’t good enough. If I always needed to just say what people wanted to hear, subconsciously I was thinking, the truth wasn’t good enough and likewise, I wasn’t good enough.

Thinking you are not good enough is a really dangerous feeling if harbored uncontrollably and in my case, unknowingly. I promise, you will one day wake up in a world of fake that you created, maybe not on purpose and it will most certainly reach not only to you, but unfortunately to your loved ones as well.

It effects you:
How can it not effect you? You’re publishing a magazine that is supposed to be you but has an unknown, unaware writer, but you still want everyone to think its you. All of your wants and desires, your image you want to be perceived as; all lies. That’s an awful feeling. Trust me. I know from experience. And the deeper you go into the whirlwind of anonymity, the harder it is to claw your back.

It effects them:
In the beginning of our marriage, my wife often spoke of the 2 me’s. She mentioned how sometimes I’m here, and sometimes I’m not. All of course being physically present. She talks about when we first got married and all I did was “fit” her in my life. I made no sacrifices, no changes and expected her to do much of the heavy lifting. All of this while I was “perceiving everything was great.” You see, my lying and self deception even reached to my most loved people without me even knowing. That alone, was paramount enough for me to face this head on.

Why?
OK, so why the idea to write this. Im happy to report I am slowly on my way out of this but continue to grow and learn. I am nowhere near “fixed” but I’m present for the daily fight and that alone is a huge step for me. But talking to someone very close to my life recently made me realize that others suffer from the same condition as I was prisoner to. So, somewhere in my head I felt if I read something like this along the way, maybe that would have helped? I’m not sure? But this blog was established to be self therapeutic, so if nobody receives an inch of help from this, thats fine also. Because telling the truth never became easier for me, but the freedom the truth gives is an unwavering, liberating emotion that I continue to strive for.

How it gets better:
What I learned and am learning everyday is being honest starts with yourself. It’s OK to not be perfect. Looks or actions. Perfection is boring. Expectations (yours or others) are damaging, false pretenses that cause good, genuine people serious hurt and anxiety. Come to terms with whatever you are. That’s OK. However you look, be content. Your flaws don’t define you. Be accepting of them and know it’s OK.

Personally, I think Wreck it Ralph has the right idea:

From what I’ve experienced, there is little to be gained in living a life of inauthenticity. Not only is it unfair to those around us, it is also unfair to you. Those who live honestly, recognizing and admitting their weaknesses and faults inspire others to do the same. And in the end, all that is gained is true and honest and strangely, surprisingly satisfying.

If you consider yourself molded by your surroundings, or a feel a huge weight of anxiety to “fit in.” Please take a step back and breathe. I’ve been there and sometimes, I’m still there. But you can do this, just like I can do this. Because being honest with yourself and others is being who God created you as, and it took a very long time for me realize that’s OK. Actually its better than OK, it’s perfectly fine.