Deep Thoughts – ddileo

Status Crisis

I fell off a pretty high horse. At least that’s what it felt like when I left the Jacksonville Fire Department. Regardless of my reason(s) for leaving, the fact was and is I spent years (literally years) working hard to achieve employment. And after just 6 months, it was over. Like it never happened.

If I’m being honest, it still hits me hard from time to time. But, my open wounds haven’t stopped me from doing what I do best: think a lot about it. I got thinking about status and prestige. Why Jax fire was such big goal for me and why, currently, does it still leave a hole in my chest.

Then I learned of a man named Denis Diderot. Denis put a lot in perspective to me; about status, achievements and possessions.

I started thinking deeply of the reasons achieving JFRD was so important to me. I came up with a relatively simply answer: I made it a possession. And like we all do subconsciously or not, we let our possessions create our identity. Then in essence, when Jax didn’t work out, my identity was in crisis.

That took me back to Denis Diderot. He talked much about possessions. Looking for an answer and clarity from the Jacksonville Fire aftermath, I simply could connect Diderot’s idea of possessions and my goal of Jacksonville Fire.

Let’s talk about Diderot.

Despite composing several famous works, the French philosopher Denis Diderot spent the majority of his life in poverty. Like many enlightenment thinkers of his time, Diderot had little concern for material possessions. That changed when he received a new scarlet robe from his friend as a gift.

The robe was so beautiful that Diderot treasured it above all else. But Diderot also quickly realized that the robe was out of his place amongst his other common possessions. He didn’t own anything that would match the grandeur of his new robe.

And so Diderot went about replacing his old possessions. He replaced his straw chair with a leather one. A large mirror took over the mantle of his fireplace. He filled up the vacant corner of his house with a writing desk.

Before long, Diderot found himself in debt. As he remarks in his essay titled Regrets For My Old Dressing Gown,

“I was the absolute master of my old robe. I have become the slave of the new one”.

The Diderot Effect

Diderot’s story shows how the acquisition of new possessions or achieving status is never a singular event. Each new purchase or status achievements often creates a spiral of actions that leads you to mentally acquire more and more things.

It’s a social phenomenon that explains much of our modern consumption patterns. Savvy marketers often bundle complementary products together and make us offers so compelling we cannot refuse them. One seemingly innocent purchase can lead to many bad decisions.

Having heard Diderot’s warning, I now know what happens when we go about mindlessly acquiring new possessions. But that doesn’t make the suppression of this behavior any easier. To understand our true challenge, we need to scrutinize Diderot’s story more closely.

As he writes in his essay, Diderot cared little for material possessions before he acquired his new robe. He didn’t see them as representative of the inherent worth and value of a person:

“I can bear the sight of a peasant woman without disgust. That piece of simple cloth that covers her head, the hair that sparsely falls across her cheeks, those tattered rags that half cover her, that poor short petticoat that doesn’t cover half her legs, her naked feet covered with muck cannot wound me. It is the image of a state I respect; it’s the ensemble of the of the lack of grace of a necessary and unfortunate condition for which I have pity.”

But shortly after he acquired his new robe, Diderot’s views changed. He came to identify with the grandeur and beauty of his scarlet robe. Eventually, he thought the same of his other possessions as well:

“The poor man may take his ease without thinking of appearances, but the rich man is always under a strain”

How did a simple robe end up causing Diderot so much grief?

What We Really Want

As it turns out, Diderot was spot on about how material possessions become intertwined with our identity.

The wealthier we get, the more things become a form of self-expression. We no longer buy shirts and shorts for the cloth that covers our skin but also to reflect our tastes and social standing.

Ironically, the overt pursuit of status is a low-status activity. Chasing after someone’s approval demonstrates low self-worth, which is why we instead opt to chase after possessions. This explains why the biggest companies in the world spend so much on branding.

As Charles Chu notes in his essay, luxury brands like BMW make it a point to advertise to everyone regardless of their income level. It seems like a mistake until you realize that they’re not aiming to sell you a car — not directly at least.

Their goal is to get everyone to believe that their product is valuable. The money comes in when people buy their products in a bid to signal their status.

The Pursuit Of Status

It’s absurd that most of us are unhappy and yet, we have never been wealthier throughout history.

The problem lies in the nature of the game we’re playing.

Status is hierarchical by definition since there can only be one top dog at any time. That makes the pursuit of status an essentially zero-sum game, where your gain is my loss. We can never have enough if we need to have more than our neighbor. You can never really win because the game doesn’t end. All you can do is maintain your position at the top.

What do we do then?

Your first instinct may be to declare that you’re never going to chase status again. Yet, that’s unlikely to work out. Status was vital to our ancestors because it determined who got first choice of meat and mate: we were willing to give those who were more important to the group more privileges. While we don’t need the protection of a tribe today, status still serves largely the same purpose. We haven’t really changed much at all.

There are other ways to play this game though. Even if we’re biologically primed to chase status, it doesn’t mean that we need to acquire more possessions. A bigger and better house may force us to spend half of our lives working. The same goes for luxury cars, accessories and jewelry, although to varying degrees.

These items are costly — in terms of both time and money — yet have little intrinsic value. Why not pursue activities that are a form of signal, but also have inherent value as well? For instance:

Work out at the gym. A big reason why people go to the gym is so they can tell others about it. But working out also provides the inherently valuable benefit of being healthy.
Speaking or debating publicly. Speaking in front of an audience signals some form of expertise, but the prerequisite is that you must be informed. Knowledge is the main benefit.

Teaching others. It’s another demonstration of expertise, but it’s the Protégé Effect at work as well: you’re helping others learn a skill while refining your own understanding.
Jim Rohn once remarked that “The greatest reward in becoming a millionaire is not the amount of money that you earn. It is the kind of person that you have to become to become a millionaire.”

In other words, we should be aiming for the steak and not the sizzle. If we can’t give up the latter, we must make sure that it’s always accompanied by the former.

What Are We Chasing?

It’s easy to get lost chasing more without considering what we really want.

Therein lies the danger of mindless consumption and competition. Most of the time, all we really get are substitutes or replicas of what we truly desire in life. It takes reflection and honesty with ourselves to figure that out.

Take the time to figure that out before you embark on your chase. As you may have realized from Diderot’s example, it can be very costly when you chase the wrong things.

So to bring us back home, I’m not saying chasing Jacksonville Fire Department was the wrong thing. But it clearly didn’t work. I may not be feeling any better about my Jacksonville outcome, but at least Denis Diderot’s essay sheds some light on why it meant so much and why it still hurts.

You can’t identify yourself with a possession or a job. You’re bigger than that. I think that’s what Diderot was really trying to tell us. Sure, possessions, jobs and status are just things in this world. Let’s not miss the fact they they are complimentary things and not identity defining things.

I’m still Danny with or without the Jacksonville Fire Department. And shame on me for letting myself define my success with a person, place or thing.

As I wrote about a few years back; ‘Being you is good enough.’

That’s not breaking news, but sometimes a reminder is timely medicine to stitch your identity back together.

Deep Thoughts, Life, Technology

Project ScreenTime: Dethrone the Phone

It’s no secret that our phones shape, effect and control each of us. I don’t say that lightly. Infinitely scrolling, infinitely discontent. That’s us. We live in an unfortunate reality.

Picture this: a life in which an individual wakes up, maybe checks the newspaper. Goes to work, converses and interacts with humans in a concentrated way. Eats meals without a glowing screen nearby. Drives home and admires nature. Arrives, spends time with family. Listens to them talk, their concerns and words are priority number 1. Eats dinner, maybe goes for a walk, feels and appreciates the cool breeze. Gazes at the night time sky in amazement of God’s unmatched handiwork. Finally, goes to bed. No glowing screen ruling and dictating actions.

If the scenario above seems hard to imagine, it’s mainly because it’s non existent in our current world. In an early draft of this post, I had a second scenario of our lives with phones. I just couldn’t keep it in though, it was all too miserable.

TOO MUCH FOR TOO LONG

Addiction and conviction, that’s what triggered all this.

Truth is “Project Screentime” was in the works for a long time. It just materialized itself in a way I didn’t see coming. For the longest i’ve had this feeling of too much screen time in my life. I’ve never had the numbers to prove it, though. You know… the “my head hurts after looking at a 5 inch screen for too long” feeling. I think we all have had that once or twice. Truthfully, I was sick of it. I was sick of not being in the moment. I was sick of being dependent on some device. I was sick of not feeling human. I wanted to be someone who cherishes people’s words and wants to listen and be there 100%.

My phone was disallowing that. It was an enabler of friction. My phone had slowly become a buffer to me and the real world.

I found that disgusting. I lived the majority of life without this device, and now this? This is the end? This phone is my final resting place of consciousness? The reality of that scenario was just unacceptable to me. I knew I wanted to change, but had no idea how.

HELLO iOS 12 and SCREENTIME

To say the least, I was elated when Apple announced ‘Screentime’. My grudges with the phone seemingly became other people’s and the stories were becoming mainstream. People were addicted to their phones. Or maybe more accurately, to the content on their phones. Behind the scenes, Apple was working on health features for an upcoming software release. Whether Apple timed it right or just played catch up, the release was happily welcomed by many.

ios-12-digital-wellbeing-100760087-orig — Apple introducing iOS12 and Screentime.

Essentially, “Project Screentime” started with Apple’s most recent software, iOS 12. iOS 12 has a feature I’ve long waited for and long have been afraid of; a health feature called ‘Screentime.’ Basically ‘Screentime’ was pitched as a report of such that anyone could access to view their phone usage.

Apple was touting many useful features inside ‘Screentime.’ Sure there were apps that already kind of did this sort of thing, Moment for one. But the way Apple could seamlessly tie in all these features was going to be an unrivaled effort. ‘Screentime’ released in the fall of 2018.

So upon release of iOS 12 I started tracking my time.. Scary stuff. To say it kindly, my phone was eating away at my life. This wasn’t about me wanting to feel better than others and compare. This was genuinely about improving myself and my health. Like I mentioned, I was sick to my stomach and ready for my usage truth.

THE UGLY TRUTH

At a glance, my screen time averaged 3 hours and about 30 minutes per day. That was tough to swallow. The number that really did me in though, was my weekly number. It was up around 25 hours per week. 25 hours! Thats more than an entire day out of my week. 1 out of 7 days, me looking at this glowing screen of nonsense. My assumptions were accurate and scary. My phone was an unwanted, constant thief of attention.

Like I mentioned, no one likes to find out stuff like this. When you start a diet, it’s hard to step on that scale. But you must. You NEED that number. It’s important. It’s a starting point. And it’s a number you could immediately improve on. Well, that’s how I looked at my screentime number. Scary? Yes. Depressing? Certainly. Improvable? Unsure at the moment.

Looking at your most used apps is the next biggest aspect of screen time. Really, there was no surprise there. Tweetbot and Reddit owned this space. Both social networks, both adding exactly zero value to me. Other high seeders including Messages, YouTube and Safari.

If I’m being honest I have to admit the simple truth; it was really hard in the beginning. My first thought was to limit certain apps. ‘Screentime’ has this useful feature to set app time limits. So I figured i’ll take those high tier apps and set some 20 min limits. Unfortunately this proved extremely hard and not practical in the least bit. My time did dip though, about a half hour a day. But my endgame, ultimate goal was to range in around 60 minutes per day. I was no where close.

I struggled for weeks.

Honestly, the goal seemed almost unobtainable. Then I had an epiphany. A click moment of sorts.

PHONE AS A TOOL

I was listening to “The Minimalists” podcast and they mentioned the idea of commissioning your belongings for exact uses in your specific life. This keeps items useful and necessary. I thought about my phone. What do I NEED it for? Well, I need to stay connected with people. Most importantly, my family.

So I started looking at my phone as a tool. A specific tool for specific tasks. Forget about what it can do. What do I need it to do. Just because you have something that can do a lot doesn’t mean you need it to do a lot.

Trust me, I’m all for being productive, but Reddit, Twitter, Youtube, Safari and Messages are hardly productive.

Also, I reorganized my phone’s layout. I put only the most needed apps on my front home screen. On the second page I grouped everything into folders. I deleted about half my apps…..apps I never used.

New Home Screen set up

2nd page of folders

After my reorganization, I conducted a week long trial run.

My time again declined. After about a week I was down to 1 hour and 45 min (give or take) per day. Looking from day one at 3 hours 30 min plus, cutting my time in half was certainly an achievement. But my goal was and is the 60 min range. If anything else could be done, I wanted to try.

Here’s a shocker that really isn’t a shocker: I felt good. Believe it or not; I was listening to people more, I wasn’t always wondering what was happening on my phone in my pocket, I didn’t feel the need to check anything. I felt completely in the moment all the time. Peoples words started to carry weight. People started to matter more, and the priorities of my phone slowly waded away. Truly, this was a refreshing feeling.

Improvement from 3:30

Getting better with discipline.

DO NOT DISTURB

There is one more feature Screentime offers: Notifications. Screentime lets you look at how many notifications per day, per hour you receive, who they are from and what apps are triggering the most. I was shocked at some of these numbers. According to Screentime, I was averaging around 20 notifications an hour. Mostly from Messages, Sports apps, News apps and Mail.

This made me think deeply about the philosophy of my interaction relationship with my phone. Am I a slave to this device? Am I at the beck and call of every single little beep and vibration this phone makes. My ego wanted to say no. My brain told me yes, of course you are.

And thats when my final click moment occurred.

‘Do Not Disturb’ is a feature Apple added a few years ago. Basically DND turns your phone to silent. Your device won’t vibrate, beep or do anything. There is no way to even know you have an alert until you pick up your phone and check. To me, this flipped the script. Now, my phone is working for me. I tried my phone on DND for a 48 hour period. My time reports were drastically lower.

I was averaging around 70 min per day.

Amount of pick ups after ‘Do Not Disturb’

Notifications after ‘Do Not Disturb’

Only allowing calls in ‘Do Not Disturb’

Enable DND with a simple swipe and tap

I could totally see why. How many times do you get a notification, finish whatever and then venture off into some other app and before you know it 15 minutes go by. Happened to me all the time, multiple times a day. “Do Not Disturb” vanished that threat for me. I only pick up the phone when I want. That is a remarkable feat! Using your phone solely as a tool.

Also, in these past few months of using the phone less, I’ve noticed I’ve gone back to doing things I truly love doing. Whether that be watching more films or writing more consistently. It’s honestly like I’ve gained a part of me back that was gone for a while. I can’t quite figure out why yet. Maybe it’s knowing I’m not dependent or have an always attached feeling to my phone, I don’t know. It’s a great feeling, though.

The combination of all these tools has helped me tremendously. And I have to give credit where credits due, Apple is the only reason this was possible. I wish they would make these features a little more findable for normal users and a little more user friendly. But, I was in dire need and am so thankful I took the time to learn and understand all these features Apple included with ‘Screentime.’

WHY?

You may ask yourself, what’s the big deal? Why take such drastic measures?

I can’t speak for anyone but me. But, allow me to explain where my head is at:

Why do we sit in chairs the way we do? I know thats an odd question. But honestly, think about it. If you’re sitting down right now, why are you sitting that way?

The answer is shockingly simple. You’re sitting that way because your chair is shaped that way. The older I get I’ve chosen to try and implement a few guidelines in my life:

I want to understand, to the best of my knowledge, why I do what I do.
I want to be kinder and more open with people and live in the moment better.
And lastly and most importantly, I want to rule my actions and not have devices, people or situations dictate how I act.

I don’t mind sitting in a chair if its the way I want to sit. But I don’t want to be oblivious to why I’m sitting a certain way. I don’t want possessions and situations dictating how I’m acting towards others, ever. The simple truth is my Phone was totally effecting how I treated people. It was essentially pushing people lower and lower on the priority list.

My phone was an issue and will always be a threat. I understand that now. It crept it’s way to that status with me being passive about it’s usage and place in my personal life. But, I wanted to be accountable. I wanted to try and take control.

I want to live an intentional life and be mentally present for any and everything loved ones bring to my attention.

My phone does still have a use. Very vital uses that promote personal productivity. My Calendar, Reminders, To do’s, Maps and Phone calls are now my phone’s primary functions. All of these are very important to keep me organized. I don’t just pick up my phone and ‘play’ around on it. I spend very limited time, doing very specific things on my phone now.

So Yes, I still have an iPhone X. It’s still with me all the time, in my pocket when I’m not home. But here are some of its upgraded features after Project Screentime: it’s more quiet, less obtrusive, has a simpler more minimal lay out, and extremely effective at what I need it to do.

It’s a well oiled machine tailored specifically for Danny’s life and needs.

Or I guess you could look at it this way, now its a tool I control and not the other way around.

Deep Thoughts, Family

2018 & Beyond

A new year is upon us.

For the past few months I’ve been pondering some thoughts regarding my energy, my time and ultimately, what I would like to exercise my concentration on. I want to announce some long needed changes to this site.

Most people hear the word “introvert” and equate it with shyness. If you’ve actually done any reading about it, you know that’s not the case. True introversion is a primary focus on one’s inner self, deriving value and meaning from that activity, as opposed to from the external world. Introverts can interact socially; they’re not afraid of social situations or interpersonal activities–rather they simply thrive more on solitary activities or with fewer people.

To the surprise of exactly no one who knows me, I’ve long understood myself to be this way. I’m totally capable of being social and thriving in those situations, but I prefer quiet environments, and more focused interactions with people. I also spend a non-trivial amount of time analyzing myself, my thinking, and my actions and trying to use this activity to learn more about myself, how I engage with the world around me, and how my actions affect other people.

I’ve always been a thoughtful person, even from a young age. But as I got older, different dimensions took shape and as my worldview continues to expand, the position where I place myself in the narrative of my life will often change.

Somewhere along the way I became interested in being someone on the internet. I started a blog, began using social media, and through those actions created an identity online, as so many of us have. It was great fun, I met a ton of terrific people, and explored new things with them. For about 10 years, it was a big part of my life, and somewhat how I defined myself as a person in the world.

But something changed in the past few years. I’ve found myself doing less online. Leaving social networks. Not publishing as many posts, and not beating myself up about it. All but disappearing from the public spaces I once inhabited, and reducing my voice to an occasional whisper in the dim of the dying night.

At the same time, I began focusing on other things. The balance of my life shifted. I began journaling even more, and making it a bigger part of my life than it had been. Actively reflecting more, and putting more effort into capturing my thoughts for myself. Talking about this with people, encouraging them to do the same. Always writing—because I do still love to write—but only for me, and not any other audience. Keeping those muscles in shape, but with a very specific purpose in mind. I use the app Day One on iOS and my Mac. I’ve talked about Day One to exhaustion but for good reason I believe. The app makes documenting your life so simple. The learning curve is close to nothing, and I truly believe the average person could use it and gain immense value in their life. So for the last time, go buy Day One right now… its like 2 bucks and fantastic.

I’ve tried to keep blogging, because I’ve had lots of people tell me they enjoy it when I do write, which is an amazing compliment and more than I could hope for. I mean, what better outcome could you have for writing something than for someone to say “I like that thing you wrote, thank you for doing that”?

But the fact of the matter is that I’ve lost whatever thing inside me made me want to write and put it somewhere on a steady basis, and I’m not sure why. I’ve lost the desire to do pretty much anything on the internet in any public capacity, and part of it is just who I am at the moment, and part of it is my ever-growing disenchantment with the rest of the world at the current time. So I’ve decided to just become an element of background scenery.

I wasn’t even going to write this post, but I figured I should. Because this isn’t me just being lazy and not blogging anymore, it’s a premeditated reflection on how I feel and why, what the effect of that feeling is, and how it manifests in my actions. Which exactly is the point. This is what I do. I’m just sharing this one with everyone, in case anyone gives a crap. (Presumably not, which is absolutely fine too.)

The internet is not the place it was when I started being really excited about it, and rather than stay here and complain about it like an old, cranky dude, I’m just going to leave it to other people for whom it’s still interesting.

I’m not disappearing off the face of the earth, I’ll still be around, and still work on deep, reflective blog posts that I enjoy sharing and hearing feedback on. I just don’t expect myself to churn in small post after small post. Week after week.

Like I mentioned in the beginning, the real life of less has already started for me. The discovery of minimalism and beauty of simpleness has already affected me greatly. It was only natural to reach my blog.

Deep Thoughts, Life

The Search for Silence

Our minds are poisoned. I hate being so pessimistic but it’s true.

What’s even more heartbreaking? I’m not totally sure we’re at fault. A combination of the times we live in and the attractiveness of things. If you take a step back and look at your life, you’ll very clearly see a picture of static surrounding you. What is that static you ask? One word I came to find: Noise.

Noise could come in many variations: sounds, screens, opinions, jobs, motives, goals, etc. Really, you name it, it could turn into noise. Believe it or not a bunch of our time is spent in noise. Noise controls, surrounds and for the most part, dictates us. Whether we agree with that notion or not, noise is a constant companion to our lives.

In our homes, we turn on our televisions. In our cars, we turn on the radio. When we exercise, we put on our headphones. Even when waiting in elevators or on hold with customer service, sound fills the void. I challenge you to find an area in your everyday life where you achieve peace and quiet. Report back, please. I promise you the task is sadly difficult.

That’s where the search for silence started for me: the realization that tranquil, calming moments were strangled by a stronger force. I started to see how routine noises had become, how it seeped into my life. And unfortunately, how it didn’t seem to bother me much.

You know, sometimes life has a way of swooping you up and turning the volume on so loud that we forget what no volume is like. Truth is, I can’t say I really miss the silence because as much as I think I’ve experienced it, I haven’t. Neither have you. Think about it. There is so much noise surrounding us. So much clutter, and so much distraction. Maybe it’s because I’m a minimalist at heart but all of this noise was an overwhelming force I had little control over. That bothered me.

A lightbulb then sparked: my quiet was gone, my God given rite to tranquility stolen. Like stillness was something I used to hear about. Like a distant relative that you don’t see any more, that doesn’t come to any family parties. I started thinking very intently about the sense of silence and about what benefits moments of quiet brings. Here’s a crazy thought exercise: What would the world be like if we all had a designated time of quiet? What changes would spark? What realizations as a people would we come to?

One of the biggest realization for me was taking control of my time. I don’t have to live a life of distractions and unnecessary detours. Although it doesn’t always feel like this: I am empowered to choose. The problem is, choosing is hard. Because habits are hard to break, especially bad habits. I started to focus on my bad habits. Social media…noise. Radio……noise. Podcasts……noise. Sports…….noise. I’m not saying all these had to go. But balance had to be achieved. My scale was way out of whack.

Like I mentioned earlier, all of our quiet to noise ratio is overwhelmed by the latter. We just don’t realize it. We’re overpowered and unaware of the noise. That really got me thinking. If I’m so out of balance, it’s impossible to see what I’m missing.

So, what am I missing? Are there benefits? Benefits to having quiet in our lives? Or did silence go by the wayside for a reason. Was it unconsciously chalked up as unnecessary?

Is silence worth saving?

Well, I deemed yes and i’ve started searching for ways to achieve silence. It meant breaking habits and routines. It meant odd, long spaces of nothing. It meant unnatural long pauses of quiet. It meant many bonfires by myself and long quiet walks. It honestly meant going out of my comfort zone and all I’m used to.

What I’ve found thus far has been startling, though.

I want to talk about focus and reflection a little bit. When I started quieting down elements I sensed something creeping back into my life. Something that was there, but much harder to achieve. I’m talking about focusing. I’m unsure if I’ve been a clearly focused, but knocking down the distraction of noise has helped tremendously.

Looking deeper though, it seemed most of my noise came from my wanting of content. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, but I really wanted to know what I was missing in those time blocks of noise. I found that when left to just silence, I was reflecting on my past a whole lot more. Not in a depressing manner, but in a pro active learning objective. This was super interesting to me.

The focus and reflection I achieved that resulted from times of quiet where astounding and equally priceless to me. That’s an amazing notion, huh? That we could possibly produce something priceless with no worldly amount tagged on. In this case, my priceless product of silence was focus and reflection. I was able to think more clearly because I felt so much more in tune with myself. That made sense to me. Connecting with myself was an inability before, now it seems more reasonable based on reflection time in silence.

Of course, It goes without saying that I’m still in the very beginnings of this exercise, but what I’m finding is eye opening and demands personal documentation, in my opinion.

At the end of the day, what are we as a people if we don’t think, focus and reflect? I think piling on so much noise that prohibits silence is an extremely hazardous habit that equates to us being a whole lot less human as a society.

I fear the value of true, unobtrusive, calming, personal quiet time is fading softly into a dark sea. What I fear even more is that no one even flinches. Like throwing a life jacket is too much of a hassle. Personally, if I lose my quiet time, I lose myself and thoughts with it. Over the past few months, I’ve become aware of how valuable quiet time can be. It can be an escape in times of crisis. It can be as comforting as a warm blanket or as soothing as a hot cup of tea.

The truth is, silence is what you make it. But you can’t make anything out of what you can’t find.

Deep Thoughts, Life, Movies

Rewatching My Movie 10 Years Later

I don’t talk or write about my movie much and I often ask myself why. Writing, filming, post-production, etc. Honestly, it’s difficult to list everything I was responsible for before my mind gets exhausted. Making ‘The Fiction‘ was one of the highlights of my life and If I die tomorrow, to have been able to make a movie from start to finish would be one of my favorite, most cherished experiences of my existence.

Truth be told, the finished product just didn’t end up the way I envisioned it. What I didn’t realize before filming was how immensely hard making a feature film is. Especially when you have extremely little experience. I think anyone who read the script before shooting knew there was something special, but most people politely instructed me to not film it. To sell the script and move on. The ever repeating phrase of first time filmmakers hardly ever work, just never faded from consciousness.

I look back now and of course see mistakes I made. From inexperience, to just being entirely exhausted by the time we got to filming. I had that odd combination of being completely driven where no one, and I mean no one, could have stopped me from making that movie and combine that with not really knowing how to execute on a level this script deserved. In hindsight, I should have sold the script and starting work on something else. But that’s a lot easier said then done, especially now.

I often forget that when you believe in something so much, it takes a lot more than sense to sway you. Honestly though, I’m proud of that. I’m proud I had that characteristic in me at such a young age. I had a no tolerance, take no prisoners approach to getting the film done. I was stubborn, but in a good way. In a way you would want your kid to put his head down and dig hard for a goal. Show some mental toughness. Unable to be swayed by the world. I had that for sure back then. I don’t so much now. I’ve lost a lot of that energy as of late.

A few nights ago I did something I was dreading for a long time. Almost 10 years after wrapping on The Fiction, I watched it. I was nervous about this for so many reasons. I mean, I was nervous about being nervous. But I went to Amazon, rented a copy of my own film and watched.

Magic doesn’t work through time, the film still has many shortcomings as I remembered. Like I mentioned earlier, there were many technical issues as well as experience issues that plagued me throughout production. So watching through the other night couldn’t hide any of that. Those emotions rushed through me. I remember those feelings well. Being in our dark editing room months after shooting only to realize there is no way this scene is going to work as planned. Thats a scary feeling. At one point I remember driving home from an editing session and looking at the script sitting on my passenger seat, almost like it was staring back at me in disappointment.

The rewatch didn’t spawn all bad feelings, though. Actually, most of the viewing really comforted me. It comforted me to know that that was me. I know that sounds stupid. But its been 10 years now. It feels like another life ago. But it wasn’t, it was me. Still in the same skin just 10 years removed.

I loved seeing the cast. Eric, Andrus and all the heavy lifting they had to do to make up for my inexperience. They were sweet and gracious at every point of the production. I admired seeing Jeff play his multiple roles. I loved seeing young Allie play a role she was so committed to. Watching also made me recollect on the crew. Mike and Spike immediately come to mind. I have never and certainly now don’t mind saying this; The Fiction would have been half the quality it was without those guys. They did an amazing job with cinematography and Mike with editing. I am forever indebted to them. Of course I remembered Chris, my sound guy and long time school friend, who dropped everything so he could help me. He wasn’t completely comfortable with all the responsibility of a full sound team squeezed into one person, but he did it because he cared. I will always be appreciative of that.

Speaking honestly, watching The Fiction felt like a breath of fresh air. I know its a movie and to strangers, thats all it will ever be. But, to me it’s a time capsule for my life. Good or bad, I achieved this. Success or failure, no one could take it away from me. It was a tremendous learning experience about filmmaking, team work and most importantly, friendship. I would like to think everyone else on set felt this way, but I felt an extreme closeness to them while filming and anytime I saw them afterwords. Even when I rewatched, that feeling came back. The memories of jokes in-between takes and script revisions, prop placements and plot discussions. To me now, all that stuff feels so special.

After the rewatch I really wish I could hit the rewind button and go back. Not to fix little sound problems or acting quirks. Not to rewrite a scene to make it work a little better. Not to make different choices on set or off. I know it sounds crazy but I wouldn’t change a thing. I want to hit that rewind button so I could feel the warmth and camaraderie that the filming experience induced. I know I’ve tried to explain in words what I mean, but its just impossible.

Everyone involved in ‘The Fiction’ holds a very dear, special place in my heart. Who would have known the most important result of filming my own movie wouldn’t have been a completed film, but friendships and experiences that I never deserved and could have never achieved on my own.

Without a doubt, creating The Fiction was the biggest challenge of my life. But undisputedly, without question the most rewarding.

This is in no way a shameless plug, I promise. That was never my intention. But, if you read this post and are genuinely interested in seeing the film here are some links:

‘The Fiction’ Trailer
Rent or buy ‘The Fiction’ on Amazon
If you cannot afford to rent or buy, please get in touch via my contact page and I will gladly find a way to get you a copy.

Deep Thoughts, Life, One Day at a Time

Attention as a Resource

The other night I had a dream. It was vivid, inspiring and downright admirable. Sometimes my dreams are so far in fantasy that I know I’m dreaming. That has to sound weird but it’s the honest to God truth. This particular dream was so soaked in reality, confusion wouldn’t begin to describe my emotions. I woke up realizing the unfortunate truth. This was only a dream.

I had a dream of a world where people can sit through long, dull conversations, without feeling the need to douse themselves with instant-gratification delivered through glowing plastic screens.

I had a dream of a world where people were aware of not only their own limited attention, but the precious attention of others and wouldn’t start texting in a movie theatre, totally killing the mood of a dramatic scene.

I had a dream where our devices would be comfortably allotted as the occasional supplement to our lives, and not used as a poor replacement for them. Where people would recognize that the constant and instantaneous delivery of information has subtle costs associated with it, as well as its more obvious benefits.

I had a dream of a world where people would become aware of their own attention as an important resource, something to be cultivated and renewed, to be built and cherished, the same way they take care of their bodies or their education. And this new cultivation of their own attention would have oddly set them free. Not just free from the screens, but free from their own unconscious impulses.

I had a dream where respect for attention would extend to the world around them, to their friends and family and the acknowledgment that the inability to focus is not only harmful to oneself, but harmful to one’s relationships and ability to hold and maintain intimacy with someone.

If all this really happened, if all this was real, we would let freedom ring, from every village and every county, from every state and every city, we would have been able to speed up that day when all of God’s children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, would have been able to join hands and sing “Free at last! Free at last! Thank God almighty, we’re free at last!”

Maybe somewhere in the world, humans act like this. Hey – a guy can dream, right?

Yes, this was my dream. But i’m awake now. Its very clear smartphones have just about taken our full attention. Myself included. You could call this a dark outlook. I unfortunately call it reality.

Truth is every human has an ongoing war with their attention. Whether they know it or not, their attention is in high, high demand. Until we can start thinking about and treating our attention as a resource – a limited resource at that – we are all in very big trouble.

Deep Thoughts, One Day at a Time

The Conversation Triangle

This is kind of a follow-up post from my previous. I was informed that Lindsey and 2 close friends embarked in an in-depth conversation last night. Not that anyone needs my permission or anything, but I strongly approve of moments like this. This isn’t the first time and probably won’t be the last I harp on a such a subject as important as conversation.

I have told Lindsey many times I feel like the art of conversation is slowly dwindling away. Especially, meaningful conversations where one can grow and learn. I mean think about it, when was the last time you had a significant exchange of words with someone who was 100% invested in what you were saying?

With the rise of social media and the style of “connecting” it spawns, all the little nuances of actually sitting down, looking someone in the eyes and listening to them are lost. Social media disables you to “feel.” You can’t read heartbreak on someone’s voice when you’re reading text on a computer screen. You can’t sympathize through pixels. What social media unfortunatley does enable is quick judgements, silent spectating and empty assurance. It really is a poor excuse of connecting and if thats all the next generation of humans have; they will be sharply cheated out of real, genuine companionship.

In-depth conversations are not only profitable, they are needed. As living, breathing people, we long for connection and bonding, at least I do. And it’s a rare feat when it happens. But when it does, you can bet you’ll know. You feel the presence of something special. Something foreign that only happens when you invite it. From my experience, it takes honesty, patience and listening. The conversation triangle.

Regardless of what subjects were talked about during Lindsey and their conversation, if one yearned for understanding and achieved some sort of answer, thats all that matters. To be able to sit down and reason is a God given right and a necessity. Sometimes we lose sight of the simple things. Like just listening and learning from other people. Even if you don’t agree; switch your brain to learn, its unpopularly profitable.

In conclusion, I’m super thankful we have good friends and family where this is possible; good conversation. Sure, it’s a rarity in todays life. But almost all the battle is having the other half to talk to. We do. When Lindsey told me about their conversation, it served as a great reminder that we have friends who are there to talk when there is a need. And to me, thats priceless.

I had this client in Connecticut named Fred Russel. Fred was a warm, insightful man. He is one of my favorite people i’ve ever met. He was one of those individuals that you just wanted around. When he walked in the room, the atmosphere lit up with positivity.

I’m left thinking of something Fred always said at the end of his haircut. He would never fail to say: “Dan, another long conversation that seemed too short.”

I’ve always thought to myself: “ya, thats the mark of a good connection.” A long conversation that seemed too short.

Sprinkle some honesty, patience and listening on top, and you have something extremely rare and uniquely special.

BIBLE, Deep Thoughts, Life

The Bible, Completed

About a year ago I challenged myself to actually read the bible all the way through. Front cover to back. Today I can report I’ve finished. If your new to this personal venture of mine, you could read the midway update post. I wanted to check in with everyone to state what I learned in the past year. The act of consistently reading everyday has taught me about myself, God and the bible itself.

To play quick catch up: Everyday I read my bible according to a set plan. Some days I was required to read 2 chapters. Some days 10. After a while things got more and more difficult. But I stuck with the task. It was worth it. I was explaining to Lindsey yesterday although I’ve read all the way through, I don’t feel I am some bible scholar now. And if early readers recall, that was never the point. The original objective was simple, just read!

You see, I was having issues with the “just read” part. I think a bunch of people do, but we’re all ashamed to say anything. We’re ashamed we *really* don’t care. I have no shame in saying that. That’s definitely how I felt a year ago. I just didn’t care. To be incredibly honest, I couldn’t care less. That realization was overwhelming frightening to me. Thats why I pushed so hard to make this a priority. I wanted to read for my own sake and my families sake. I was introduced to the King James Bible a little over 8 years ago. So in that sense, I’ve always felt a little behind the eight ball compared to life-longers . But when I was finally honest with myself and realized I just didn’t care about reading, I felt like a scared hypocrite.

Maybe Christians nowadays don’t want reading the bible to be a priority, or more accurately, maybe they don’t think the “act” of reading it should be hard. Maybe they think because reading in a consistent manner is so time consuming and difficult, something is wrong with them and they look the other way. Nothing can be further from the truth, though. Reading is hard. Dedication is hard. Discipline is hard. Anything you do that is worthwhile in life is going to be a hard, upstream swim. Why should reading the bible be any different?

After 1 year of day in and out reading. I could tell everyone this. If I can do it, any of you can. The gains were worth it. To become familiar with the bible is worth your time and effort. Im not saying that in a “from the pulpit, talking down to you” sort of way. Im saying it in a human to human way. This book is worth the praise. The accolades were right. The praise is accurate. The King James bible holds up like no other piece of art form I’ve ever experienced before.

Like I mentioned earlier, I’m not all of a sudden a bible scholar. Very, very, very far from it. But I now have a good “feel” for the bible like I’ve never had in the past. I could really sense the broad strokes of the New Testament very clearly now. Thats something you get with personal, concentrated, quiet time. Thats how you build. Constructing relationships take time and effort. Why did I assume Bible reading and my relationship with God would be different?

Church is fantastic. It’s a great place to go and fill up and be around like minded people. It’s not the whole thing though. Very far from it. Reading the bible through for a year has taught me to turn my Christian life inside out. To refocus my aim and effort. My focus is now more on the days in between church and attempting to reach people. Thats what the Bible has taught me the most this past year. People. Reaching out. Helping. Having compassion.

You could certainly say I should have known this from just going to church. And I did. But by reading my bible for 365 days straight. Now I believe it.

Looking forward I am going to continue my reading. But I’ve made some changes. Some of the cons of last years plan was the amount of reading they required a day. For me, some content went by the wayside. I never liked that. In 2017 I am just focusing on the New Testament and 1 chapter a day. Im going to accompany that one chapter a day with studying on that chapter after.

If 2016 was about completing the bible for the first time. 2017 will be about digging through the NT. I think thats a natural progression. Reading through the bible has given me a decent to good foundation on everything I thought I was familiar with. Now concentrating on just the NT will allow a clear focus.

Im really excited about what 2017 brings and what I will learn from God and His word. I also want to thank some of you who emailed me after my initial post and either encouraged me or gave me some guidance. That was very cool and unexpected.

It’s a funny feeling to finish a year long plan of reading. About a month before I completed I started thinking of what direction I wanted to go in next. In the back of my mind was the not read option lingering. Immediately, I squashed it. After a reading the same book for a year. Leaving it at this point would be leaving a part of me. I don’t want me and the Bible to ever be strangers again. I understand I need to it way more then it needs me, but our relationship is just growing, I pray. So, after reading for year, I can honestly say I don’t have any intention of stopping. Usually when you embark on a reading plan your always eyeing that finish line. I feel at this point in my life this is just the beginning, though. And with God’s help, I pray I never reach a finish line.

If you are reading this today without a starting point, I hope this post didn’t hit you with a punch of condemnation. If I meant to do anything by writing this, it was maybe inspire someone who is in the same place I was a year ago. I implore you to try and read. Just a little.

Many have asked what tools I used to read. I picked the YOUVERSE BIBLE app for iPhone and under plans I selected “CHRONOLOGICAL” . Like I mentioned, some days it got tough, but hopefully your desire outweighs the difficulty. I particularly liked YOUVERSION’s layout and simplicity. The app organized my daily reading in a very simple way. You could even configure it to push you reminders for your reading.

Again, Thanks everyone for following this journey with me. Here to hoping I can continue through this year and to your and my reading in 2017!

Deep Thoughts, Life

2017: The Year of Less

2016 was an extremely long, busy, excruciating year for me. This wasn’t by accident. This was very much by design. I made personal career goals and if all went well by the end of 2016, those goals would be completed. Well, 2016 came and went. I worked hard, had many sleepless nights. But thank God, each goals I set out to achieve was realized.

Although I learned a lot last year, this was hardly the first time I pushed myself to do something hard and out of my comfort zone. I’ve filmed my own movies, I’ve competed in worldwide competitions just to name a few past events. But I learned last year I’m still capable of doing more than I think I can. We all are. We all sell ourselves short much of the time. I don’t know why. We just do. We’re all really good at putting a ceiling over our heads and claiming that’s the spot we stop at.

Somewhere in the craziness of 2016 I came up with an exile idea. Around August, when in combination of driving all over Florida for classes, and doing my EMT practicals, ride alongs and studying for my advanced firefighter Cert. for Florida and Georgia, I found myself thinking about the upcoming year, 2017. Seemingly so far away at that moment, 2017 was going to be a chill year. A year where I spaced out and did nothing. This sounded fantastic. It was a perfect follow up to the hectic, whirlwind 2016 was. I named it 2017: The Year of Less.

Although the “Year of Less” was going to be about the obvious: less. The more I considered the idea, the more the word “less” wasn’t hitting the mark. I thought a lot about what I wanted to spend my time on in 2017. What was important to me.

First, family. Whether realized or not, family takes a huge hit when your pursuing something. Be art, working overtime or taking a bunch of classes, etc. Family time is the first to go. In many ways its our most expendable time. Which is sad. So I figured in 2017, I was going to spend much more personal time with my family.

Not just all of them at once though. I want to spend time with each individually. This may sound silly, But I just want to let them talk. Me, listen. Try and identify what I missed last year in their growth and thoughts.

Going to the movies has always been a very personal, extremely special thing for me. In 2016, this kind of fell by the wayside. I would like turn up the dial a bit on the movie going experiences. Maybe not once a week like when I was a little guy. But certainly more often then 2016.

Movies have a way of enforcing reflection. I missed that in 2016. I’m hoping a return to normalcy in the film category will help me learn new things about myself and others. Help me identify emotions better and learn new subjects, people and stories.

I also would like more thinking time. Being busy 24/7 really makes you long for quiet time. Really, it makes you appreciate your personal time more. I love walks and bonfires. They have always been a form escapism for me. More so, I love what they produce. They evoke a calming atmosphere, where I am allowed to unplug this world.

As I’ve gotten older, realizing the value of thinking has really hit me. I turned into someone who loves to think. Think about upcoming events, possible outcomes of things and my stance and opinion on everything. Thinking on things allows me to identify myself in a authentic, non-influenced way. This has helped me learn more about me in a honest fashion.

Those are just 3 topics I could think of that fit into a nice, neat box. But there are many more no doubt. Many tiny spread out fragments floating that I need to connect together to make sense out of. All in all, I would just like 2017 to be a year of personal growth and improvement.

The “Year of Less” in many ways will be more. More of the aspects of life I would like to focus on. More intention to grow as a person, Father and Husband. More ways to execute balancing in a productive manner. More ways to self discover without outside influences.

If 2016 was overflowed with “career” goals, 2017 will be filled with “personal and internal” goals. I like those goals, no one can judge them or fail me.

Deep Thoughts, Life

What If I Don’t Matter?

It’s an interesting concept, isn’t it? The idea that we matter so much. So prevalent because honestly, we all fully believe it. We all believe we matter. We all believe we count. We all believe our words mean something and we all believe we are right in the majority of issues. Whether that be the latest opinion on Facebook, or how you judge someone without getting to know them. Of course were right, because were always right. Right?

This thought came about during the most recent election. I’m not a republican, nor a democrat. So to me, election time is always a spectator sport. This year was different though. The divide between the two major parties was the widest gap I’ve ever witnessed. I started thinking; how can two large groups of people have such different views? Such different opinions on the same issues. It was a striking realization. All these people, everyone, felt like they were right. That they mattered. It was something I could relate to. Because quite honestly, I felt I mattered.

A short time after this I really started pondering why everyone (including me) felt we needed to be right. Why it means so much for us to be stamped with approval (others or our own). This led me down a long, dark hallway of self realization.

Some of the big characteristics I try to improve daily are open mindedness and better comprehending others. This election was many things, unfortunately not any of those traits, though. So with all that noise going on through the election I started to ask what is an effective way to understand people? As grown up humans, we sometimes think we come out of the box ready to go. This was one of those moments for me. I’m OK in this area because I’ve always done it (place your way here).

Now I want to be clear, I don’t mean “figure people out” and place them in a box. I mean truly understand where they are coming from. I also don’t mean accepting their views or changing to their stances. I mean just simply understanding them. By all means after the fact, if you resonate with something you should listen to that feeling very closely. But the idea wasn’t to go fishing for change, it was to just simply try and understand someone else.

After a while and a lot of thinking of past interactions and situations in my life, almost all of my answers came back to this one idea. The reason I feel so strongly about anything is because I think MY view matters. I perceive my view to be the ultimate. To be end game.

Speaking for myself, when my view takes up so much space, there is very little room for anything else. That kind of scared me, but mostly didn’t shock me. How could it be surprising? We live in a time when the only thing that matters is us. What we want, how we want it, when we want it. If anything, I would have been shocked if I came out thinking not enough of me was in my views. Of course I inhibit all my head space. The world we live in is a “me” world. Im not pushing back on that, it just is what it is. A good realization to keep in mind.

So, where from here? I’ve established my views are selfishly mine without room to breathe any fresh air. Is that it? We have our views, or opinions and we die? Sounds boring yes, but also horrific in a sense. Somewhere down the line I was speaking to a man at the fire department and in mid conversation it hit me like a ton of bricks. What if I don’t matter? Is it a scary thought? Sure! But is fear a righteous foe for self improvement? You decide.

What if I don’t matter? A big question. A scary question. But the more I kept pounding in my head when others were talking, the more things felt right. I would actually listen to people because frankly, I wasn’t thinking of some witty comeback to prove my point. It was enlightening. Refreshing even. If nothing else, the idea that I didn’t matter really assembled a healthy way to interact with people. I started to care for people more. Simply because, when you remove yourself, all thats left is everyone but you.

This practice was really, really effective. It made me an excellent listener and an even better solver for my own problems. Surprisingly, when you take yourself out of your own problems or scenarios, your next move or decision becomes a lot easier to navigate. You see, we inhibit so much thought and care about ourselves, we muddy up any clear water in the defense of us and our well being.

Living a life of me not mattering wouldn’t be easy, but certainly rewarding. There was a problem though…

I do matter. Maybe not to me in the sense of this practice, but to my family in CT I do. To my wife, and my 2 kids I matter and I’m thankful. You may read that and think it sounds idiotic or simple. But it’s the truth. They care what I have to say. They care how I feel. They care what happens in the my life. I also know, to be the best husband/dad for them, I need to feel self worth.

So like many other discoveries made, I find balancing has been the answer. Discern when to not matter. When someone is hurting because of a recent event, that exact moment is not the time to preach on how you would have done this or that. When you are driving home and see someone on the side of the road who needs some help, that exact time would not the best to judge that person. You’re not him or her, you don’t know what brought them there.

Do you see what I’m getting at? If you can accurately execute when to not matter, you can be a powerful force for good in this world.

I can understand how some would have a problem with this. Some would say you must stand for what you believe in. You must not waver to others opinions. But you see, you are the people I view every election fighting the other side with closed minds and clenched fists. I also see your finish line. If your party wins, you are happy for 4 or 8 years boasting the best option won. If your party loses you spend the next 4 or 8 years saying and thinking toxic, mind crippling thoughts about a person you’ve never met, but can only paint with broad strokes.

Like I’ve said in the past, I’m not saying throw away everything you believe in. I’m a firm supporter for standing for what you deem important. What I am saying is know when you could get real, real small. So small that you could convince yourself you don’t matter. It’s not easy, but when you can get there you can start seeing some beautiful things. Like people other than yourself.