After delays, setbacks and reschedules…. We went to Paris! It’s crazy to think we actually went and came back already. Lindsey and I had such an amazing time.
I Always knew I wanted to somehow document this amazing experience. I was torn to what medium though. Initially I thought writing would be ideal mainly because I didn’t want to take myself out of the moments by filming. Also, I have a ton of video projects this year and I really didn’t want to add one more.
The closer we got to the trip though, video was really the only option. A trip of this magnitude deserved a proper video. Lindsey deserved a well documented account of what we did, where we went and our emotions and observations in real time.
The video ended up being the longest I’ve ever made. My previous longest; ‘A Fall Day in Connecticut‘ was a bit long but very chronological to edit. This was a different type of beast. I had over 200 hundred video clips to splice and dice and editing pretty much started the minute we got home so I could make the deadline of a surprise Bday present for Lindsey!
All in all, I am very proud of the finished product. It was a thrill to work on and to re-experience such an amazing trip with such an amazing person.
I hope this will prove as a worthy gift and an accurate retelling of such a magical experience.
What a year 2020 has been. Leo is 3 now which is crazy to think. I remember Lindsey and I eating at longhorn when she told me she was pregnant. Time flies for sure.
Leo has grown so much this year. He is talking a bunch and is truly turning into his own little man.
Sometimes the worst situations bring out the best in people. Traveling across the country for my Grandfather’s funeral has shed light on some things; people are good and having a close family unit is priceless. In the hardest times, a loving, supporting family sticks together.
My recent trip back home wasn’t ideal. I saw loving faces and made memories but a sad occasion brought all of my family together. I first received news my Grandfather wasn’t doing well while on vacation at Disney World. An odd place to find out tragic news to say the least. Luckily, I was with good friends that made the trip as enjoyable as situationally possible. But, his well being laid heavily on my mind.
Once Lindsey and I got home from Disney, it wasn’t long before we received unfortunate news. Papa passed away. I never have gotten used to that ‘quick switch’ moment you experience when a loved one passes; one second they’re here, the next they’re gone.
I love going home to see my family. It sort of acts as a breath of fresh air. A reminder of who I am and where I’m from. But, this trip was understandably going to be difficult.
Before the trip even started I felt a sense of overwhelming stress. It’s hard to explain really. I’ve never been so overcome with thoughts and emotion that I couldn’t function, but honestly I was feeling hints. Lindsey was absolutely amazing. She took care of booking the trip and genuinely carrying any load needed until we were on a plane. She was a rockstar.
When my Papa’s health started failing him a few years back I made the decision that I wanted Liam to make the trip for Papa’s services. I knew my family would really appreciate seeing him. I knew much needed Mommy, Daddy, Liam time would occur. Also I knew he is at an age where he will remember and soak up this experience. So I was super happy Liam joined Lindsey and I up to Connecticut.
When we arrived my brother and his wife, Urszela picked us up from JFK. On a side note, JFK was desolate and empty. I was waiting for tumbleweeds to slide gracefully across the empty terminal. Seeing my brother and driving home with him immediately put me back in the CT mind-state. Lindsey always mentions how I am different in CT and I never really know what she means. I think I understand now. It’s like putting someone in their natural environment. I always feel comfortable and at ease in CT. Anyways after a late night stop at Darian’s rest stop, we spent the night at my dads.
The next morning we ate breakfast, Liam and I played some basketball with my Dad and then headed off to my mom’s. The weather really was magnificent all trip; Low 70’s and breezy. What else could you ask for? The nights were even hitting the 40’s. A welcomed surprise for sure. We got to my moms and I was relieved to see all was the same when I left it last. That may seem odd. But leaving home is tough and coming back to familiarity is comforting.
Our first day at mom’s only had 1 event scheduled. Apparently my family were all getting together every night since my Grandfather’s passing and eating at different houses. This particular night my Mom was hosting. I gently asked if pizza would be present, and my Mom informed me that it wasn’t on the menu. Lindsey and I love this local pizza place called ‘Vitos.’ So we swung by there to pick up their famous Garlic and Broccoli. Still delicious.
Being at my Mom’s the first full day was great. It was really nice because it gave me a chance to see everyone immediately. Like I said, tough occasion for getting together. But I was really thankful to see everyone again.
The next day was the wake. Services didn’t start until 4pm. While our primary reason for being in CT was family and Papa’s funeral, Lindsey and I had a window to relive some of our favorite spots, so we took it. We left the house on a crispy, breezy fall morning and ventured out to my favorite place in the world; Northwest, CT. We drove to Averill Farms and got apple cider donuts and freshly made cider. Then drove through the back roads of Litchfield through Torrington to see our old condo. Then to Canton to eat an early lunch at Flatbread Co. Flatbraed is this amazing place where all their ingredients come from local farms and they cook only with an open, wood-fired pit. An amazing morning to say the least. It truly is magical how seeing old places can give you a feeling of renewed spirit.
We arrived home and had just enough time to get ready for the Papa’s wake.
The wake wasn’t as bad as I expected. My family, for the most part, was in good spirits. The turnout was very large. Even with COVID protocols in place. Papa looked rested. He was engulfed with beautiful flowers surrounding him. One of his favorite things was UConn basketball. So a large presence of UConn colored arrangements were there. Also pictures of family were in his casket and all around. It was a sweet atmosphere created by my Mom, Aunt Judy and Aunt Chris. They loved him very much and it showed in their attention to detail.
After the wake we went over to my Grandma’s and had a light dinner. Even there it struck me how close knit we all are. I really took this for granted for a long time. Being away makes things clearer in ways. This is one of them. If I never realized it before, I did now. I have an amazing family that have each other’s backs and genuinely loves and cares for one another.
A word about Lindsey in Connecticut…
I can’t state accurately enough how great she was. She constantly was asking what she could do. How she could help. She was going out of her way to make anyone’s life easier. I was so proud to call her my wife. I mean I always am. But, she was so extremely thoughtful and considerate on this trip. I will never forget that.
Our last day there was the funeral. Notably, this was a more somber event. My family was much more quiet and reserved. I was feeling really choked up the entire day, myself. We got to the funeral home around 9am to pay our last respects. I was selected as a pallbearer so my brother, cousins and I drove in a limo together from the funeral home to the church.
At one point in route, I remember thinking this is what life is all about. Being with special people in your life in both, the hard and good times. Sure, we haven’t seen each other in a while, but none of that mattered. There is a closeness present that no one can explain. Any close family has it.
The church gave a respectful service. I learned a lot about my Grandfather during my Aunt Chris’s eulogy. I learned he was a founding member of that particular church, I learned he was awarded an older workers award from the Senator a few years back. Amazing information that a humble man, such as my Grandfather, would never tell you. My aunt Chris did a tremendous job with the eulogy. Though I was being considered to write it early on, I could have never done as concise or accurate portrayal of papa as Aunt Chris did.
After church the pallbearers again hopped in the limo and drove to the cemetery for Papa’s final resting place. The location is beautiful. It’s on a hill overlooking the city of Waterbury. Towards the end of his life, my Grandfather worked as a limo driver for local funeral homes. As a touching final goodbye, the directors from all the major funeral homes where present and rested their gloves on the casket of my Grandfather. It was amazingly moving.
I let Liam and Lindsey place a rose on the casket. That was the moment; the single moment where I knew Papa would be proud of what I have become. I’m nothing special. But I try to emulate his gentleness and kindness through my life and family. I know he loved Lindsey and Liam immensely and I know he would be proud of our family.
We left and once again met as a family at my Papa’s favorite restaurant; ‘The Manor Inn.’ There, I again had the same feelings of gratefulness and appreciation for such a close and caring family.
The absolute ironic part of having a close family like we have is that it started with leadership. It started at the top. It started with my Grandfather; an exceptional man who’s life examples and lessons echoes in my mind forever as priceless memories.
My grandpa was a lot of things to a lot of people. He was a friend to many, a husband, a father, a brother, a grandfather, a great grandfather. He also was the embodiment of a kind and gentle human being who led by example. He didn’t strive to be loud or heard, but his presence was more than sufficient to leave an impact.
In the book of Ephesians, Paul lists the characteristics of a loving human filled with the spirit. Love, Joy, Peace, Long-suffering, Gentleness, Goodness, Faith, Meekness and Temperance. The world today is seriously lacking all of those characteristics. But my Papa’s life displayed not only the traits of a loving husband and father but the blueprint of how to achieve such.
If Papa wanted me to learn anything from his life I truly believe it was this… You don’t always have to be the loudest in the room. You don’t have to drive the fanciest cars or have the nicest things. You don’t have to have a flashy personality or have the spotlight directly on you. He never did or cared for such accomplishments.
What you do have to do though, is love your family with all of you. Sacrifice daily so loved ones can get ahead. Be an amazing listener and care for others more than yourself.
Papa’s greatest lesson he ever taught was soft, quiet whispers of examples. He was as strong as he was quiet. He was as loving as he was gentle. He was an amazing leader and the embodiment of a man who was utterly secure in his ways and unparalleled at being gracious and selfless to his loved ones.
I am forever blessed and thankful to call Papa my teacher, my example and simply my grandfather. They say you can’t pick family. But God gave my family the best Grandfather anyone could possibly ask for.
I love you Papa. I will miss you more than I know how to describe. But rest assured, that your ways of kindness and selflessness will continue to live on through myself and my family. We are honored and forever grateful to have felt your love and warmth in our lives.
Marriage is full of sacrifices and compromises. Growth and understanding are requirements. The simple and hard fact is marriage is difficult, especially for me. Someone who is an introvert/private/isolationist.
When I met Lindsey, I was very much those things. I was independent and satisfied. Years into our marriage I never changed. I stayed a stranger. That hurt Lindsey and I as a team. In the beginning we had a hard time finding a solid start. In the innocent sunrise of most marriages, ours was difficult and trying.
Of course not all was bad, not even the majority. But it was there; this feeling of me living life on my own and Lindsey along for the ride. I didn’t see it until recently and once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee the unfortunate truth. Because of me, we had an subpar relationship which directly equaled a subpar marriage.
Then I had a thought. Lindsey isn’t forced to be with me, she actively chooses to. That realization honestly changed everything. All of sudden everything fit into place. Like numerous puzzle pieces scattered, slowly lifted and fit in unison. I respected her decision to spend her life with me and I appreciated that sentiment on a very basic level. I truly learned to be thankful for very basic elements of our relationship.
When I look at her now I don’t want to be a stranger. I don’t want to just get by being an OK friend and husband. I want to be her best friend. Not just because we have to say we are best friends, I mean really enjoy each other’s company. Like genuine joy of each other’s presence. Ultimate goal.
I’m not perfect and i’ll never be the husband I think she deserves. But I’ll never stop trying to be someone who is trying to improve on a constant basis from here on out.
10 years in I can see the benefit of marriage, now. God gives you someone who chooses to spend their life with you and in return you embrace that person and respect them as their own human being. You experience the ups and downs, the bads and goods. The ugly and pretty. Whatever you experience, you experience open and honestly together. That’s how a relationship or marriage stays solid I think. Growth in unison.
What I’m learning: You acknowledge that life isn’t about you, and you breathe to see your spouse grow as a person and achieve goals. You wake up every day just to help and to make her life easier. I don’t want medals, I don’t want attention, I don’t want accolades, I just want her to know I love her by treating love as a verb. True love; giving all of you with the hope the other person will too.
I remember life as a stranger. But now I have a forever friend who I honestly couldn’t and wouldn’t want to live life without. She is the person I try and share every little detail with, she is the person I tell my deepest and darkest secrets to. She has always been mine, but now, 10 years in, I’m her’s.
I love your good vibes. I’m addicted to your positivity. Being with you is like wearing comfy pajama pants or sleeping in clean sheets after a fresh spin in the washing machine. You’re kinder and braver than I’ll ever be. Wherever you go, that’s where I’ll be.
Luca’s 3rd year on the planet has carried many defining moments of clarity and understanding. As his parents and now advocates, we want only what’s best for him and Lindsey and I agree no matter where or what that is, we are prepared for anything.
He has grown into his own little man. He’s a picky eater, a rough houser, and has a contagious laugh. That’s Luca. Unapologetically, his own self who’s heart and smile can be felt rooms away.
Happy 4th Birthday buddy. You make me proud every. single. day.
Lindsey and I were talking last night about memories, the idea of memories and how easily and unknowingly they slip away. It’s an interesting talk, actually. The amount we forget on even a daily basis is quite alarming. We both agreed documenting is such a blessing and a tool that can really shape, enrich and profit our mental health.
Luca’s video this year has really shined a light on that. More than likely, 2019 is the year we will learn that Luca has some form of autism. This is difficult to come to terms with. Mainly because I want to do whatever I can to help him. Unfortunately we are learning behavioral illnesses in America are vastly underfunded and therefore, under researched. Fortunately, Luca is not a normal kid. He lights up a room when we walks in. His playfulness is contagious. And every step of the way, he has overcome odds. I wanted his video to resemble that.
This years video presented many challenges. I mean, I always want to work on nailing the tone of the year, whether that is music, editing or usually both in unison. But Luca’s year was different, and just like Leo’s newborn video, I refuse to shy away from what the reality is. I think that is what makes the videos have heart. Also, Luca’s video this year is a little more artsy, a little more film-like. That’s exciting to me. And it really has opened my mind to ideas on future videos.
All in all, I am really proud of Luca’s age 3 video. It took months to make with constant re-edits, but I hope it lives forever as a documentation of enjoying the journey and not the destination. Because in Luca’s case, the destination is unknown.
These videos aren’t highlight reels, that was never their intention. I want them to feel authentic and real. I want Liam, Luca and Leo to watch these when I am long gone and ‘feel’ their age upon watching. I think this year brought many challenges because obviously of Luca’s pending status, but also because he is far from a defeated soul. That was tough to create, the mix of his reality but optimism.
In my head, I needed to capture these 3 elements: uncertainty, hopefulness and above all else; love. It’s a fine line to walk, but I believe the video represents Luca’s age 3 true and accurate.
I couldn’t and wouldn’t picture our family without him. Leo completes us.
A sweet little fellow he is. An old soul that could be felt just by time spent. His first year has brought joy and pain. Joy because of just how humble, mild mannered and gentle he is to be around, pain because of his 11 month diagnosis of ‘Failure to Strive.’
Truth is, we will get through it.
Not on our own, but as a family. Being a Dad, I’ve learned some valuable things along the way. But, none more important than teaching lessons to my kids. So let this be your first lesson, little Leo. You are learning it really early on…
Together, Family can overcome anything.
We Love you little buddy. More than you’ll ever know.
That sums up Liam’s previous year nicely. His conversations are longer, his questions are deeper and our answers demand rational explanations. If not, he will call us on it.
Liam has achieved so much this past year. From reading books way beyond his age to maturing into a loving and caring older brother (for one of this brothers.) It’s hard to look at Liam and not see the gentleness his soul inhabits. Sure, he has his moments of acting out, etc. But in all fairness, so do I. I couldn’t be prouder to be his dad.
Happy 7th Birthday Liam, your true colors are beginning to show.
It’s hard to believe another year has passed. Luca is getting so big, so fast. This year was full of surprises, growth and laughter. As usual, Luca’s videos are a blast to make, this one was no different!
We are leaving the terrible two’s into whatever comes next. Luca is more hyper than ever, but easily the most fun human to be around. Every moment with him is equally exhausting as it is wonderful. He’s my breath of fresh air when I need it most.
For the past few months I’ve been pondering some thoughts regarding my energy, my time and ultimately, what I would like to exercise my concentration on. I want to announce some long needed changes to this site.
Most people hear the word “introvert” and equate it with shyness. If you’ve actually done any reading about it, you know that’s not the case. True introversion is a primary focus on one’s inner self, deriving value and meaning from that activity, as opposed to from the external world. Introverts can interact socially; they’re not afraid of social situations or interpersonal activities–rather they simply thrive more on solitary activities or with fewer people.
To the surprise of exactly no one who knows me, I’ve long understood myself to be this way. I’m totally capable of being social and thriving in those situations, but I prefer quiet environments, and more focused interactions with people. I also spend a non-trivial amount of time analyzing myself, my thinking, and my actions and trying to use this activity to learn more about myself, how I engage with the world around me, and how my actions affect other people.
I’ve always been a thoughtful person, even from a young age. But as I got older, different dimensions took shape and as my worldview continues to expand, the position where I place myself in the narrative of my life will often change.
Somewhere along the way I became interested in being someone on the internet. I started a blog, began using social media, and through those actions created an identity online, as so many of us have. It was great fun, I met a ton of terrific people, and explored new things with them. For about 10 years, it was a big part of my life, and somewhat how I defined myself as a person in the world.
But something changed in the past few years. I’ve found myself doing less online. Leaving social networks. Not publishing as many posts, and not beating myself up about it. All but disappearing from the public spaces I once inhabited, and reducing my voice to an occasional whisper in the dim of the dying night.
At the same time, I began focusing on other things. The balance of my life shifted. I began journaling even more, and making it a bigger part of my life than it had been. Actively reflecting more, and putting more effort into capturing my thoughts for myself. Talking about this with people, encouraging them to do the same. Always writing—because I do still love to write—but only for me, and not any other audience. Keeping those muscles in shape, but with a very specific purpose in mind. I use the app Day One on iOS and my Mac. I’ve talked about Day One to exhaustion but for good reason I believe. The app makes documenting your life so simple. The learning curve is close to nothing, and I truly believe the average person could use it and gain immense value in their life. So for the last time, go buy Day One right now… its like 2 bucks and fantastic.
I’ve tried to keep blogging, because I’ve had lots of people tell me they enjoy it when I do write, which is an amazing compliment and more than I could hope for. I mean, what better outcome could you have for writing something than for someone to say “I like that thing you wrote, thank you for doing that”?
But the fact of the matter is that I’ve lost whatever thing inside me made me want to write and put it somewhere on a steady basis, and I’m not sure why. I’ve lost the desire to do pretty much anything on the internet in any public capacity, and part of it is just who I am at the moment, and part of it is my ever-growing disenchantment with the rest of the world at the current time. So I’ve decided to just become an element of background scenery.
I wasn’t even going to write this post, but I figured I should. Because this isn’t me just being lazy and not blogging anymore, it’s a premeditated reflection on how I feel and why, what the effect of that feeling is, and how it manifests in my actions. Which exactly is the point. This is what I do. I’m just sharing this one with everyone, in case anyone gives a crap. (Presumably not, which is absolutely fine too.)
The internet is not the place it was when I started being really excited about it, and rather than stay here and complain about it like an old, cranky dude, I’m just going to leave it to other people for whom it’s still interesting.
I’m not disappearing off the face of the earth, I’ll still be around, and still work on deep, reflective blog posts that I enjoy sharing and hearing feedback on. I just don’t expect myself to churn in small post after small post. Week after week.
Like I mentioned in the beginning, the real life of less has already started for me. The discovery of minimalism and beauty of simpleness has already affected me greatly. It was only natural to reach my blog.
ddileo 