Faith, feeling & instinct. These are divisive terms nowadays. If you’re not careful, you’ll let social network labeling and online discussions forums decide for you on their existence. Have you ever had a hunch? A sense about something? A premonition, maybe? Believing in things we can’t see, it’s tricky for sure. It takes work. It takes belief. Belief in the invisible.
Growing up I always had a sense that energy, tone or just plain emotion were invisible forces that I could feel. I can’t explain it and really just try to avoid defining it. But, theres one type of invisible force I’d like to talk about.
My wife, Lindsey made a decision a few weeks ago.
To give a little background, our youngest son, Leo, was diagnosed with ‘Failure to Thrive‘ in late November of 2018. He was greatly underweight and under developed. This hit us like a brick to the face. It’s hard to sit there and listen to medical professionals tell you facts. Facts that just can’t be changed about someone you love.
Leo had to live with an NG tube. For those unfamiliar, that’s a feeding tube that travels through his nasal cavity and extended into his stomach. It was a highway for food, basically. This was very necessary. Without getting into the hardships this brought upon us and obviously him, I’ll just summarize by saying it was extremely trying and pushed lindsey and I both to our emotional and physical limits.
Fast forward a bit, Leo wasn’t doing great with the tube in. Sure he was getting food and growing slowly. But, he wasn’t doing anything on his own. He wasn’t eating on his own, he wasn’t drinking on his own. He was turning into a boy dependent on tube feeding. This was tough to watch, but we were put in-between a rock and a hard place. He needed the calories no matter how they got there.
Somewhere in the middle of all this Lindsey started to talk a lot about the idea that he was full all the time because the tube was on auto pilot. When a kid is full on his own, he could just pull away. When a tube is shoving food down your throat, you are at the mercy of the amount given. It was a plausible idea to say the least. Maybe Leo was just full all the time? How would we ever know if the tube remained in?
We put that thought process in our back pocket and continued on with Dr’s orders.
After weeks of the same and Leo becoming more miserable by the day, something very routine happened, for the 9th or 10th time. Leo’s tube came out. I was at the fire department and Lindsey couldn’t make it to the ER until I got home which would be that next morning. We agreed to take him back to the hospital for tube placement the next morning.
When I got home, Lindsey had her mind made up. We talked and she was set on keeping his tube out for the time being. She wanted to try what we talked about early on. “Let’s let him get hungry without the tube” She said. Lindsey also said something that struck me, “I just know this is the right thing to do” She said. “It feels right.”
I respect that. Even if going against Dr’s orders scared me, there was something inside Lindsey that was inspiring to say the least.
The tube stayed out.
Leo flourished. I mean ‘flourished’ is saying it lightly. He gained the most weight he’s ever gained in a week’s time without the tube. The Dr’s literally weighed him multiple times because of plain and professional disbelief. Lindsey’s thoughts and theories proved accurate. It really was an amazing event. To make a decision based on a feeling, such a big decision at that. This got me thinking. Possibly the most important decision ever made for Leo’s well being was made on a gut feeling, on a conviction, on an instinct.
How much faith do I put in my gut feelings? Thats something I’ve never measured before. It’s a trait we all need to get in touch with more. We are who we are and we feel what we feel for a reason. I’ve always believed God plants traits and characteristics inside of us for reasons that won’t be apparent until we need them. But we need to know how to listen for them. I touched on this subject of ‘searching for silence’ a year or so ago.
Point is: something that was always in Lindsey decided to pop up and at the exact right time our 1 year old needed the most and Lindsey wasn’t scared enough to make the call that rightfully was her’s and her’s alone to make. It may have been the bravest, call to arms moment in Lindsey’s life that may never get the credit it deserves. She listened to her motherly instinct and the universe aligned. I don’t think of that as a coincidence, I think of it as prophecy fulfilled or blueprints built.
We have to listen to who we are and what we feel. Now more than ever it’s so important to understand your instincts and listen to yourself. If we’re nothing but regurgitated facts we see on Facebook or YouTube or whatever, we’re selling ourselves short. We are so much more. We have so much more inside of us.
If Lindsey didn’t listen to that small voice inside telling her to keep Leo’s tube out, I’m honestly not sure where we’d be right now. It was the biggest decision Leo has ever had made for him. Life-changing. Literally.
Imagine how many life changing decision we could make as humans, if we just listen to our instincts, our feelings and that small voice inside. God made us who we are and how we are for a reason.
Thats a simple truth you may never believe until you achieve believing in the invisible. In Lindsey’s case, believing in her Motherly Instinct.
It’s no secret that our phones shape, effect and control each of us. I don’t say that lightly. Infinitely scrolling, infinitely discontent. That’s us. We live in an unfortunate reality.
Picture this: a life in which an individual wakes up, maybe checks the newspaper. Goes to work, converses and interacts with humans in a concentrated way. Eats meals without a glowing screen nearby. Drives home and admires nature. Arrives, spends time with family. Listens to them talk, their concerns and words are priority number 1. Eats dinner, maybe goes for a walk, feels and appreciates the cool breeze. Gazes at the night time sky in amazement of God’s unmatched handiwork. Finally, goes to bed. No glowing screen ruling and dictating actions.
If the scenario above seems hard to imagine, it’s mainly because it’s non existent in our current world. In an early draft of this post, I had a second scenario of our lives with phones. I just couldn’t keep it in though, it was all too miserable.
TOO MUCH FOR TOO LONG
Addiction and conviction, that’s what triggered all this.
Truth is “Project Screentime” was in the works for a long time. It just materialized itself in a way I didn’t see coming. For the longest i’ve had this feeling of too much screen time in my life. I’ve never had the numbers to prove it, though. You know… the “my head hurts after looking at a 5 inch screen for too long” feeling. I think we all have had that once or twice. Truthfully, I was sick of it. I was sick of not being in the moment. I was sick of being dependent on some device. I was sick of not feeling human. I wanted to be someone who cherishes people’s words and wants to listen and be there 100%.
My phone was disallowing that. It was an enabler of friction. My phone had slowly become a buffer to me and the real world.
I found that disgusting. I lived the majority of life without this device, and now this? This is the end? This phone is my final resting place of consciousness? The reality of that scenario was just unacceptable to me. I knew I wanted to change, but had no idea how.
HELLO iOS 12 and SCREENTIME
To say the least, I was elated when Apple announced ‘Screentime’. My grudges with the phone seemingly became other people’s and the stories were becoming mainstream. People were addicted to their phones. Or maybe more accurately, to the content on their phones. Behind the scenes, Apple was working on health features for an upcoming software release. Whether Apple timed it right or just played catch up, the release was happily welcomed by many.
Apple introducing iOS12 and Screentime.
Essentially, “Project Screentime” started with Apple’s most recent software, iOS 12. iOS 12 has a feature I’ve long waited for and long have been afraid of; a health feature called ‘Screentime.’ Basically ‘Screentime’ was pitched as a report of such that anyone could access to view their phone usage.
Apple was touting many useful features inside ‘Screentime.’ Sure there were apps that already kind of did this sort of thing, Moment for one. But the way Apple could seamlessly tie in all these features was going to be an unrivaled effort. ‘Screentime’ released in the fall of 2018.
So upon release of iOS 12 I started tracking my time.. Scary stuff. To say it kindly, my phone was eating away at my life. This wasn’t about me wanting to feel better than others and compare. This was genuinely about improving myself and my health. Like I mentioned, I was sick to my stomach and ready for my usage truth.
THE UGLY TRUTH
At a glance, my screen time averaged 3 hours and about 30 minutes per day. That was tough to swallow. The number that really did me in though, was my weekly number. It was up around 25 hours per week. 25 hours! Thats more than an entire day out of my week. 1 out of 7 days, me looking at this glowing screen of nonsense. My assumptions were accurate and scary. My phone was an unwanted, constant thief of attention.
Like I mentioned, no one likes to find out stuff like this. When you start a diet, it’s hard to step on that scale. But you must. You NEED that number. It’s important. It’s a starting point. And it’s a number you could immediately improve on. Well, that’s how I looked at my screentime number. Scary? Yes. Depressing? Certainly. Improvable? Unsure at the moment.
Looking at your most used apps is the next biggest aspect of screen time. Really, there was no surprise there. Tweetbot and Reddit owned this space. Both social networks, both adding exactly zero value to me. Other high seeders including Messages, YouTube and Safari.
If I’m being honest I have to admit the simple truth; it was really hard in the beginning. My first thought was to limit certain apps. ‘Screentime’ has this useful feature to set app time limits. So I figured i’ll take those high tier apps and set some 20 min limits. Unfortunately this proved extremely hard and not practical in the least bit. My time did dip though, about a half hour a day. But my endgame, ultimate goal was to range in around 60 minutes per day. I was no where close.
I struggled for weeks.
Honestly, the goal seemed almost unobtainable. Then I had an epiphany. A click moment of sorts.
PHONE AS A TOOL
I was listening to “The Minimalists” podcast and they mentioned the idea of commissioning your belongings for exact uses in your specific life. This keeps items useful and necessary. I thought about my phone. What do I NEED it for? Well, I need to stay connected with people. Most importantly, my family.
So I started looking at my phone as a tool. A specific tool for specific tasks. Forget about what it can do. What do I need it to do. Just because you have something that can do a lot doesn’t mean you need it to do a lot.
Trust me, I’m all for being productive, but Reddit, Twitter, Youtube, Safari and Messages are hardly productive.
Also, I reorganized my phone’s layout. I put only the most needed apps on my front home screen. On the second page I grouped everything into folders. I deleted about half my apps…..apps I never used.
New Home Screen set up
2nd page of folders
After my reorganization, I conducted a week long trial run.
My time again declined. After about a week I was down to 1 hour and 45 min (give or take) per day. Looking from day one at 3 hours 30 min plus, cutting my time in half was certainly an achievement. But my goal was and is the 60 min range. If anything else could be done, I wanted to try.
Here’s a shocker that really isn’t a shocker: I felt good. Believe it or not; I was listening to people more, I wasn’t always wondering what was happening on my phone in my pocket, I didn’t feel the need to check anything. I felt completely in the moment all the time. Peoples words started to carry weight. People started to matter more, and the priorities of my phone slowly waded away. Truly, this was a refreshing feeling.
Improvement from 3:30
Getting better with discipline.
DO NOT DISTURB
There is one more feature Screentime offers: Notifications. Screentime lets you look at how many notifications per day, per hour you receive, who they are from and what apps are triggering the most. I was shocked at some of these numbers. According to Screentime, I was averaging around 20 notifications an hour. Mostly from Messages, Sports apps, News apps and Mail.
This made me think deeply about the philosophy of my interaction relationship with my phone. Am I a slave to this device? Am I at the beck and call of every single little beep and vibration this phone makes. My ego wanted to say no. My brain told me yes, of course you are.
And thats when my final click moment occurred.
‘Do Not Disturb’ is a feature Apple added a few years ago. Basically DND turns your phone to silent. Your device won’t vibrate, beep or do anything. There is no way to even know you have an alert until you pick up your phone and check. To me, this flipped the script. Now, my phone is working for me. I tried my phone on DND for a 48 hour period. My time reports were drastically lower.
I was averaging around 70 min per day.
Amount of pick ups after ‘Do Not Disturb’
Notifications after ‘Do Not Disturb’
Only allowing calls in ‘Do Not Disturb’
Enable DND with a simple swipe and tap
I could totally see why. How many times do you get a notification, finish whatever and then venture off into some other app and before you know it 15 minutes go by. Happened to me all the time, multiple times a day. “Do Not Disturb” vanished that threat for me. I only pick up the phone when I want. That is a remarkable feat! Using your phone solely as a tool.
Also, in these past few months of using the phone less, I’ve noticed I’ve gone back to doing things I truly love doing. Whether that be watching more films or writing more consistently. It’s honestly like I’ve gained a part of me back that was gone for a while. I can’t quite figure out why yet. Maybe it’s knowing I’m not dependent or have an always attached feeling to my phone, I don’t know. It’s a great feeling, though.
The combination of all these tools has helped me tremendously. And I have to give credit where credits due, Apple is the only reason this was possible. I wish they would make these features a little more findable for normal users and a little more user friendly. But, I was in dire need and am so thankful I took the time to learn and understand all these features Apple included with ‘Screentime.’
WHY?
You may ask yourself, what’s the big deal? Why take such drastic measures?
I can’t speak for anyone but me. But, allow me to explain where my head is at:
Why do we sit in chairs the way we do? I know thats an odd question. But honestly, think about it. If you’re sitting down right now, why are you sitting that way?
The answer is shockingly simple. You’re sitting that way because your chair is shaped that way. The older I get I’ve chosen to try and implement a few guidelines in my life:
I want to understand, to the best of my knowledge, why I do what I do.
I want to be kinder and more open with people and live in the moment better.
And lastly and most importantly, I want to rule my actions and not have devices, people or situations dictate how I act.
I don’t mind sitting in a chair if its the way I want to sit. But I don’t want to be oblivious to why I’m sitting a certain way. I don’t want possessions and situations dictating how I’m acting towards others, ever. The simple truth is my Phone was totally effecting how I treated people. It was essentially pushing people lower and lower on the priority list.
My phone was an issue and will always be a threat. I understand that now. It crept it’s way to that status with me being passive about it’s usage and place in my personal life. But, I wanted to be accountable. I wanted to try and take control.
I want to live an intentional life and be mentally present for any and everything loved ones bring to my attention.
My phone does still have a use. Very vital uses that promote personal productivity. My Calendar, Reminders, To do’s, Maps and Phone calls are now my phone’s primary functions. All of these are very important to keep me organized. I don’t just pick up my phone and ‘play’ around on it. I spend very limited time, doing very specific things on my phone now.
So Yes, I still have an iPhone X. It’s still with me all the time, in my pocket when I’m not home. But here are some of its upgraded features after Project Screentime: it’s more quiet, less obtrusive, has a simpler more minimal lay out, and extremely effective at what I need it to do.
It’s a well oiled machine tailored specifically for Danny’s life and needs.
Or I guess you could look at it this way, now its a tool I control and not the other way around.
I couldn’t and wouldn’t picture our family without him. Leo completes us.
A sweet little fellow he is. An old soul that could be felt just by time spent. His first year has brought joy and pain. Joy because of just how humble, mild mannered and gentle he is to be around, pain because of his 11 month diagnosis of ‘Failure to Strive.’
Truth is, we will get through it.
Not on our own, but as a family. Being a Dad, I’ve learned some valuable things along the way. But, none more important than teaching lessons to my kids. So let this be your first lesson, little Leo. You are learning it really early on…
Together, Family can overcome anything.
We Love you little buddy. More than you’ll ever know.
This video was very difficult for a number of reasons. First, “newborn” videos are always intimidating mostly because that’s the year I really want to get right. But, Leo’s first video presented a unique ‘late in the game’ challenge because of his Failing to Strive diagnosis in late November.
I usually start these videos 6 months in advance, so a month before the boy’s birthdays, the videos usually have a bow on them and all buttoned up. This project was no different. But then our visit to Wolfsen’s Children Hospital happened.
I had a decision to make, completely avoid Leo’s medical situation and roll on with the finished video, or… include it.
If I was being honest with myself, of course it needed to be in. That’s the point of these videos; document realities for the boys benefit of looking back. So I did something I’ve never done before, I started over from scratch, with 3 weeks until video due date.
See, the tone in that first video was all wrong for Leo’s medical revelation. It wouldn’t have worked if I just added some clips of his NG tube and him looking somber. It would have felt forced. So I scrambled and had many late night walks trying to find the perfect tone and emotion in music and pacing.
To fast forward….I am very pleased with the end result. I think more than ever it strikes a very real chord of tone and emotion for Leo’s difficult but hopeful predicament.
I hope everyone enjoys it. To me, this is one of my favs and has found a real, warm place in my heart.
It’s been 8 years to the date since I released my movie.
8 years.
Dec 9, 2010
The stage was set: a frigid winter night in Hartford, CT. Hosted by the gracious people of CineStudio Theater at Trinity College. There was a sense of magic in the air, at least for me. Magic and nerves. I remember those emotions like yesterday. Driving there I was so nervous, I couldn’t keep my car in one lane. My excitement equaled my level of anxiety, though. Working on something for years and years, and people finally would get to see it. Good or bad, my film was finished.
I have been thinking a lot about my experience. And even writing a book documented my filmmaking journey, which I hope to be out and available for the 10 year anniversary. But I wanted to expound on some thoughts in my head, and here is a great place to do it.
I don’t talk or write about my movie much and I often ask myself why. Writing, filming, post-production, etc. Honestly, it’s difficult to list everything I was responsible for before my mind gets exhausted. Making ‘The Fiction‘ was one of the highlights of my life and If I die tomorrow, to have been able to make a movie from start to finish would be one of my favorite, most cherished experiences of my existence.
Truth be told, the finished product just didn’t end up the way I envisioned it. What I didn’t realize before filming was how immensely hard making a feature film is. Especially when you have extremely little experience. I think anyone who read the script before shooting knew there was something special, but most people politely instructed me to not film it. To sell the script and move on. The ever repeating phrase of first time filmmakers hardly ever work, just never faded from consciousness.
I look back now and of course see mistakes I made. From inexperience, to just being entirely exhausted by the time we got to filming. I had that odd combination of being completely driven where no one, and I mean no one, could have stopped me from making that movie and combine that with not really knowing how to execute on a level this script deserved. In hindsight, I should have sold the script and starting work on something else. But that’s a lot easier said then done, especially now.
I often forget that when you believe in something so much, it takes a lot more than sense to sway you. Honestly though, I’m proud of that. I’m proud I had that characteristic in me at such a young age. I had a no tolerance, take no prisoners approach to getting the film done. I was stubborn, but in a good way. In a way you would want your kid to put his head down and dig hard for a goal. Show some mental toughness. Unable to be swayed by the world. I had that for sure back then. I don’t so much now. I’ve lost a lot of that energy as of late.
A few nights ago I did something I was dreading for a long time. Almost 10 years after wrapping on The Fiction, I watched it. I was nervous about this for so many reasons. I mean, I was nervous about being nervous. But I went to Amazon, rented a copy of my own film and watched.
Magic doesn’t work through time, the film still has many shortcomings as I remembered. Like I mentioned earlier, there were many technical issues as well as experience issues that plagued me throughout production. So watching through the other night couldn’t hide any of that. Those emotions rushed through me. I remember those feelings well. Being in our dark editing room months after shooting only to realize there is no way this scene is going to work as planned. Thats a scary feeling. At one point I remember driving home from an editing session and looking at the script sitting on my passenger seat, almost like it was staring back at me in disappointment.
The rewatch didn’t spawn all bad feelings, though. Actually, most of the viewing really comforted me. It comforted me to know that that was me. I know that sounds stupid. But its been 10 years now. It feels like another life ago. But it wasn’t, it was me. Still in the same skin just 10 years removed.
I loved seeing the cast. Eric, Andrus and all the heavy lifting they had to do to make up for my inexperience. They were sweet and gracious at every point of the production. I admired seeing Jeff play his multiple roles. I loved seeing young Allie play a role she was so committed to. Watching also made me recollect on the crew. Mike and Spike immediately come to mind. I have never and certainly now don’t mind saying this; The Fiction would have been half the quality it was without those guys. They did an amazing job with cinematography and Mike with editing. I am forever indebted to them. Of course I remembered Chris, my sound guy and long time school friend, who dropped everything so he could help me. He wasn’t completely comfortable with all the responsibility of a full sound team squeezed into one person, but he did it because he cared. I will always be appreciative of that.
Speaking honestly, watching The Fiction felt like a breath of fresh air. I know its a movie and to strangers, thats all it will ever be. But, to me it’s a time capsule for my life. Good or bad, I achieved this. Success or failure, no one could take it away from me. It was a tremendous learning experience about filmmaking, team work and most importantly, friendship. I would like to think everyone else on set felt this way, but I felt an extreme closeness to them while filming and anytime I saw them afterwords. Even when I rewatched, that feeling came back. The memories of jokes in-between takes and script revisions, prop placements and plot discussions. To me now, all that stuff feels so special.
After the rewatch I really wish I could hit the rewind button and go back. Not to fix little sound problems or acting quirks. Not to rewrite a scene to make it work a little better. Not to make different choices on set or off. I know it sounds crazy but I wouldn’t change a thing. I want to hit that rewind button so I could feel the warmth and camaraderie that the filming experience induced. I know I’ve tried to explain in words what I mean, but its just impossible.
Everyone involved in ‘The Fiction’ holds a very dear, special place in my heart. Who would have known the most important result of filming my own movie wouldn’t have been a completed film, but friendships and experiences that I never deserved and could have never achieved on my own.
Without a doubt, creating The Fiction was the biggest challenge of my life. But undisputedly, without question the most rewarding.
This is in no way a shameless plug, I promise. That was never my intention. But, if you read this post and are genuinely interested in seeing the film here are some links:
If you haven’t already had the opportunity to check out Matt D’Avella’s Stuff, your really missing out. He and The Minimalists are a much welcomed breath of fresh air.
Anyways, Matt’s newest video is a fantastic analysis on Black Friday and while nothing he presents is groundbreaking new information, that’s the most powerful aspect about it. We all are fully aware of how ridiculous Black Friday is, yet we participate like uncultured maniacs.
I like how he ends his video:
Hurry up! This is a limited time offer! Only while supplies last! Up to 60, 70, 80 percent off! But the truth is these things won’t provide sustainable happiness and the best deal you’ll ever get this Black Friday, is not buying into the hype.
Listen, I’m not saying don’t participate in getting a good deal if you have a need. By all means, it’s actually financially wise to participate. Just don’t let it define your happiness. That leads down a long, dark, lonely road of discontent. And there’s nothing more the machine of consumerism would love.
That sums up Liam’s previous year nicely. His conversations are longer, his questions are deeper and our answers demand rational explanations. If not, he will call us on it.
Liam has achieved so much this past year. From reading books way beyond his age to maturing into a loving and caring older brother (for one of this brothers.) It’s hard to look at Liam and not see the gentleness his soul inhabits. Sure, he has his moments of acting out, etc. But in all fairness, so do I. I couldn’t be prouder to be his dad.
Happy 7th Birthday Liam, your true colors are beginning to show.
Anyone who knows me well, knows I am a very open minded person who has some “interesting” beliefs about the cosmos and it’s inhabitants. To say it plainly: UFOs. But recently I have been drawing some striking parallels with my beliefs, the current social climate and you guessed it: UFOs.
In our time on earth, human beings have learned that information — or its absence — can be the difference between life and death. For our ancestors, not knowing a tiger was prowling outside the cave could constitute a fatal lack of knowledge.
We live in a time when the lines between knowledge and belief are increasingly blurred.
Personally, I find it helpful in any situation or thought process to separate information into four categories:
Information that I know
Information that I think
Information that I believe
Information that I don’t know
Let me be clear, it is tempting to confuse information I know to be factual with information I believe to be true.
Unfortunately, the confusion between fact and belief can foreclose our ability to receive actual facts and data with an open mind. As you can imagine, when it comes to everyday life and agenda pushing, knowing and believing can be two entirely different things.
As a gigantic recent example, prior to Operation Iraqi Freedom, the U.S. Government conflated its knowledge of Saddam Hussein’s military capabilities with the belief that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction.
This “confusion” of information ultimately led to the Iraq War. Without passing on the validity of the invasion, the rationale that weapons of mass destruction (and oil) would be unleashed on the U.S. by pro-Al Qaeda Iraqi forces was definitely flawed.
It’s hard work to revise deeply-held notions about what’s fact and what isn’t, but it’s crucial that we try. There’s a lot at stake. For personal growth, for my well being and yours. We can’t make progress unless we learn to distinguish between fact and belief.
There’s been significant social stigma in recent decades around the topic of UFOs because it’s so often associated with weird conspiracies and, in some cases, straight-up con artists. And many of those who do believe that UFOs exist really only want to believe in aliens, which limits meaningful progress in the field.
If we continue to act on belief alone rather than accompanied by knowledge, we slow down progress and prevent ourselves from understanding the natural state of things. Many innovations which the public was initially skeptical of — like the computer, X-rays, and even the internet — turned out to be extremely beneficial to mankind. It took overcoming cynicism and opening ourselves up to unfamiliar but factual data and observations for society to fully take advantage of these breakthroughs.
Knowledge doesn’t necessarily have to be at odds with belief, but any well-grounded belief should always make room for new knowledge. Sometimes that’s tough to swallow.
Today, there are entire industries that profit from obscuring the truth by conflating facts with supposition. (cough facebook cough.) Tabloids and gossip columns organize their entire business model based on publishing salacious, yet mostly uncorroborated stories. The logic being, if it’s mostly true, then the entire thing must be true, too.
Social media serves to further confuse what we know to be true and what we believe might be true. With a click of a button, people are sharing their opinions as facts, and now more than ever, people are willing to believe in those opinions as facts. I’m not going to beat that dead horse anymore.
One has to look no further than the gluttony of web celebrities pushing commercial goods, from miracle cosmetics to diet remedies to spiritual wellness, each spokesperson du jour swearing by their product, only to move on to another one the next week.
Likewise, politicians frequently frame campaign promises in terms of belief. They promise they’ll lower taxes, educate more children, or feed more people, relying on their constituents will believe their words rather than know their voting track record.
As voters soon find out, these proclamations are usually based less on facts and more on emotional and personal beliefs. In fact, entire campaign slogans often blur the lines deliberately between knowing and believing. One of the most popular and effective slogans in recent history was recently used by a former Presidential candidate; “Change you can believe in.”
Again, I am not passing judgment on any particular party — both parties do it as a habit. But as a voter, it is important to distinguish between a campaign fact and a campaign belief.
I’m getting off topic…
Bottom line: My personal growth hinges on my ability to accept new information.
In 17th-century Salem, Massachusetts, villagers’ unfounded beliefs that certain individuals were witches and warlocks were taken as fact, resulting in the torture, drowning, and burning of innocent people. In the present day, of course, we are repulsed by such ignorance, yet it persists in many parts of the world.
But whether you’re talking about “witches,” government policies, or anomalies in the sky, it’s critical that we learn how to distinguish between fact and belief.
In my opinion, the only thing worse than lacking knowledge is attempting to make decisions based on a false belief.
Humans have only been able to accomplish all that we have because we are able to receive and process new information, and adapt to new realities. As for the topic of Unidentified Aerial Phenomena and the wonder of outer space, we have a choice. We can allow our beliefs to fill in the gaps or we can continue to doggedly pursue data in hopes that what we know informs what we believe.
My nonni had a way of making people feel important. In many ways, a special gift she possessed. As a young boy, I remember thinking she was the sole person who actually listened to me. When your young that means a bunch, especially if your looking for a lending ear. When you grow and begin maturing, it means substantially more. She taught me that listening is vastly more important than talking. While our famous Sunday evening memories are engulfed with very talkative conversation, the most fluid and influential are unsurprisingly calm and quiet vignettes that stand the test of time.
7PM was the appointed meeting time at Nonni’s home. Every Sunday, all year. Two other very special people came, and we formed in many ways a bond that will never be broken. A past memory we were fortunate enough to be around for. If we were ignorant in the beginning to just how special this time would be, it became more apparent as Sundays went. The event gave me something to look forward to you. It gave me hope that in a rough week, Nonni’s was around the corner. Once in a while I would “accidentally” arrive early. Not too early, but a mere 20 or so minutes prior. Those 20 minutes were simply me talking and Nonni listening. She taught and told me without uttering a single syllable; listening is what matters.
It never failed, once the clock hit 7 and the three of us were assembled around the table, she would inevitably give the command. In a seemingly random order, one of us would be summoned to pick the pasta. Surely, a mundane action to anyone especially us, considering it happened every single Sunday. But to her, an important reminder for us that we were important. The command signified a pause in life. As soon as the order was given, it was ok to settle in. In many ways, it was her saying sit down and relax. It was a subtle phrase that suddenly meant the world to me. Much like Nonni’s, the emotion changed from mundane to admiration.
Conversations were picked and plucked from many different worlds at Nonni’s table. Her participation varied and nearing the end of her life, she was reserved to just listening for the most part. I wouldn’t be so ignorant to think this wasn’t purposeful though. She was as much of the conversation quiet as she was vocal. She loved to just sit there and let us talk, mostly about subjects she had admittedly, absolute zero interest in. But even in the moment I assumed something deeper was happening.
It occurred to me after the fact that Nonni in many ways was an enabler. An enabler of this event for starts. It was in fact her who first invited us over, only to let us talk and converse about things she didn’t care about, yet endured the conversations. You see she didn’t care about the subjects of topic, or type of pasta we picked or anything for that matter. All she truly cared about was that we were there. And she did everything in her humble ways to make us feel welcome and significant. From varying bowl sizes according to appropriately sized eaters, to simply just listening about things she didn’t necessarily care about but knew we did. She was all about us, all of the time.
I think Nonni’s impact was so influential on me simply because she never flaunted her motives. She never needed credit for doing anything and she certainly wasn’t looking for it. She was more invested in spending time with us, then projecting life lessons.
But the beautiful revelation of Sundays at Nonni’s, came to me after the fact. Like a great painting, being too close to something blurs the intended meaning. Nonni’s was always about life lessons and they were so effective because they were genuinely distributed.
You see Nonni always wanted to make one of us feel special, she always gave us all the time we needed. To talk amongst each other or simply listen to us individually, unconditionally. Not impending judgement, just lending an ear with input if we so desired. She taught me, there’s a place for that in life. There’s a place called meekness that lives only when you realize a direct way to someones life is through their heart, not their head. Something Nonni did so well; just listen and invest in those you love. A great life lesson she distributed to me. Something I am forever grateful for and an area I continually try to improve in.
Towards the end of nonni’s life I came to find out something very interesting. It turned out, Nonni always knew who’s turn it was to pick the pasta. As weeks went by, she kept a record of it. It wasn’t a guess on her part. It was important to her; remembering the little details about loved ones in her life. But I cant help but wonder that she knew, one day we would understand and comprehend. Understand her quietness around the table. Comprehend that listening is the best gift you can give someone. I cant help but think she knew as we grew older, that the purpose for coming to Nonni’s wasn’t at all to keep her company as we all thought. But for us to learn.
Learn how to one day let someone else pick the pasta.
*ddileo 