*ddileo

2016 was an extremely long, busy, excruciating year for me. This wasn’t by accident. This was very much by design. I made personal career goals and if all went well by the end of 2016, those goals would be completed. Well, 2016 came and went. I worked hard, had many sleepless nights. But thank God, each goals I set out to achieve was realized.

Although I learned a lot last year, this was hardly the first time I pushed myself to do something hard and out of my comfort zone. I’ve filmed my own movies, I’ve competed in worldwide competitions just to name a few past events. But I learned last year I’m still capable of doing more than I think I can. We all are. We all sell ourselves short much of the time. I don’t know why. We just do. We’re all really good at putting a ceiling over our heads and claiming that’s the spot we stop at.

Somewhere in the craziness of 2016 I came up with an exile idea. Around August, when in combination of driving all over Florida for classes, and doing my EMT practicals, ride alongs and studying for my advanced firefighter Cert. for Florida and Georgia, I found myself thinking about the upcoming year, 2017. Seemingly so far away at that moment, 2017 was going to be a chill year. A year where I spaced out and did nothing. This sounded fantastic. It was a perfect follow up to the hectic, whirlwind 2016 was. I named it 2017: The Year of Less.

Although the “Year of Less” was going to be about the obvious: less. The more I considered the idea, the more the word “less” wasn’t hitting the mark. I thought a lot about what I wanted to spend my time on in 2017. What was important to me.

First, family. Whether realized or not, family takes a huge hit when your pursuing something. Be art, working overtime or taking a bunch of classes, etc. Family time is the first to go. In many ways its our most expendable time. Which is sad. So I figured in 2017, I was going to spend much more personal time with my family.

Not just all of them at once though. I want to spend time with each individually. This may sound silly, But I just want to let them talk. Me, listen. Try and identify what I missed last year in their growth and thoughts.

Going to the movies has always been a very personal, extremely special thing for me. In 2016, this kind of fell by the wayside. I would like turn up the dial a bit on the movie going experiences. Maybe not once a week like when I was a little guy. But certainly more often then 2016.

Movies have a way of enforcing reflection. I missed that in 2016. I’m hoping a return to normalcy in the film category will help me learn new things about myself and others. Help me identify emotions better and learn new subjects, people and stories.

I also would like more thinking time. Being busy 24/7 really makes you long for quiet time. Really, it makes you appreciate your personal time more. I love walks and bonfires. They have always been a form escapism for me. More so, I love what they produce. They evoke a calming atmosphere, where I am allowed to unplug this world.

As I’ve gotten older, realizing the value of thinking has really hit me. I turned into someone who loves to think. Think about upcoming events, possible outcomes of things and my stance and opinion on everything. Thinking on things allows me to identify myself in a authentic, non-influenced way. This has helped me learn more about me in a honest fashion.

Those are just 3 topics I could think of that fit into a nice, neat box. But there are many more no doubt. Many tiny spread out fragments floating that I need to connect together to make sense out of.  All in all, I would just like 2017 to be a year of personal growth and improvement.

The “Year of Less” in many ways will be more. More of the aspects of life I would like to focus on. More intention to grow as a person, Father and Husband. More ways to execute balancing in a productive manner. More ways to self discover without outside influences.

If 2016 was overflowed with “career” goals, 2017 will be filled with “personal and internal” goals. I like those goals, no one can judge them or fail me.

It’s an interesting concept, isn’t it? The idea that we matter so much. So prevalent because honestly, we all fully believe it. We all believe we matter. We all believe we count. We all believe our words mean something and we all believe we are right in the majority of issues. Whether that be the latest opinion on Facebook, or how you judge someone without getting to know them. Of course were right, because were always right. Right?

This thought came about during the most recent election. I’m not a republican, nor a democrat. So to me, election time is always a spectator sport. This year was different though. The divide between the two major parties was the widest gap I’ve ever witnessed. I started thinking; how can two large groups of people have such different views? Such different opinions on the same issues. It was a striking realization. All these people, everyone, felt like they were right. That they mattered. It was something I could relate to. Because quite honestly, I felt I mattered.

A short time after this I really started pondering why everyone (including me) felt we needed to be right. Why it means so much for us to be stamped with approval (others or our own). This led me down a long, dark hallway of self realization.

Some of the big characteristics I try to improve daily are open mindedness and better comprehending others. This election was many things, unfortunately not any of those traits, though. So with all that noise going on through the election I started to ask what is an effective way to understand people? As grown up humans, we sometimes think we come out of the box ready to go. This was one of those moments for me. I’m OK in this area because I’ve always done it (place your way here).

Now I want to be clear, I don’t mean “figure people out” and place them in a box. I mean truly understand where they are coming from. I also don’t mean accepting their views or changing to their stances. I mean just simply understanding them. By all means after the fact, if you resonate with something you should listen to that feeling very closely. But the idea wasn’t to go fishing for change, it was to just simply try and understand someone else.

After a while and a lot of thinking of past interactions and situations in my life, almost all of my answers came back to this one idea. The reason I feel so strongly about anything is because I think MY view matters. I perceive my view to be the ultimate. To be end game.

Speaking for myself, when my view takes up so much space, there is very little room for anything else. That kind of scared me, but mostly didn’t shock me. How could it be surprising? We live in a time when the only thing that matters is us. What we want, how we want it, when we want it. If anything, I would have been shocked if I came out thinking not enough of me was in my views. Of course I inhibit all my head space. The world we live in is a “me” world. Im not pushing back on that, it just is what it is. A good realization to keep in mind.

So, where from here? I’ve established my views are selfishly mine without room to breathe any fresh air. Is that it? We have our views, or opinions and we die? Sounds boring yes, but also horrific in a sense. Somewhere down the line I was speaking to a man at the fire department and in mid conversation it hit me like a ton of bricks. What if I don’t matter? Is it a scary thought? Sure! But is fear a righteous foe for self improvement? You decide.

What if I don’t matter? A big question. A scary question. But the more I kept pounding in my head when others were talking, the more things felt right. I would actually listen to people because frankly, I wasn’t thinking of some witty comeback to prove my point. It was enlightening. Refreshing even. If nothing else, the idea that I didn’t matter really assembled a healthy way to interact with people. I started to care for people more. Simply because, when you remove yourself, all thats left is everyone but you.

This practice was really, really effective. It made me an excellent listener and an even better solver for my own problems. Surprisingly, when you take yourself out of your own problems or scenarios, your next move or decision becomes a lot easier to navigate. You see, we inhibit so much thought and care about ourselves, we muddy up any clear water in the defense of us and our well being.

Living a life of me not mattering wouldn’t be easy, but certainly rewarding. There was a problem though…

I do matter. Maybe not to me in the sense of this practice, but to my family in CT I do. To my wife, and my 2 kids I matter and I’m thankful. You may read that and think it sounds idiotic or simple. But it’s the truth. They care what I have to say. They care how I feel. They care what happens in the my life. I also know, to be the best husband/dad for them, I need to feel self worth.

So like many other discoveries made, I find balancing has been the answer. Discern when to not matter. When someone is hurting because of a recent event, that exact moment is not the time to preach on how you would have done this or that. When you are driving home and see someone on the side of the road who needs some help, that exact time would not the best to judge that person. You’re not him or her, you don’t know what brought them there.

Do you see what I’m getting at? If you can accurately execute when to not matter, you can be a powerful force for good in this world.

I can understand how some would have a problem with this. Some would say you must stand for what you believe in. You must not waver to others opinions. But you see, you are the people I view every election fighting the other side with closed minds and clenched fists. I also see your finish line. If your party wins, you are happy for 4 or 8 years boasting the best option won. If your party loses you spend the next 4 or 8 years saying and thinking toxic, mind crippling thoughts about a person you’ve never met, but can only paint with broad strokes.

Like I’ve said in the past, I’m not saying throw away everything you believe in. I’m a firm supporter for standing for what you deem important. What I am saying is know when you could get real, real small. So small that you could convince yourself you don’t matter. It’s not easy, but when you can get there you can start seeing some beautiful things. Like people other than yourself.